Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Captain-Part Two

The last time we saw our beloved Canadiens they found out that management would be conducting a rigorous search for the team’s next Captain. A few days have passed and the players have had time to think about their chances throughout the competition. While it’s obvious that some have more than others (EG: Brian Gionta 85% chance of becoming Captain and Ryan O’Byrne 0% chance) every single player that has played a game for the Habs this season returned to the rink to face whatever challenges await them. (If Hal Gill is reading this; Yes, skating backwards is mandatory)
We cut right to the rink with all of the players lined up at the red line facing them are Jacques Martin, Kirk Muller, and Perry Pearn. Most of the players look as nervous as Mike Komisarek at an All Star Game, but some look cool and collected.

Jacques Martin: Welcome back all of you. First off I want to say that we’re not going to talk about the game on Saturday afternoon...

Kirk Muller: Great point Jacques.

Jacques Martin: And that we’re going to out it behind us, find a leader, and go on from there.

Kirk Muller: I agree 100%.

Jacques Martin: No we all know why we’re here....

Kirk Muller: Again, great comment.

Jacques Martin: And that is to find the one who will be our next Captain.

Kirk Muller: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Jacques Martin: Kirk, please...I’m trying to run something here.

Kirk Muller: I know and let me just take this opportunity to say that you’re doing an amazing job...*Glory Days doo doo dooo doo doo doo doooo* Oh hold on my phone is ringing.

He puts his finger to his hear in which his trademark earpiece with that little wire hanging down is resting.

Kirk Muller:
Hello?..Oh Hi Honey.....I told you not to call me when I’m working....I’m very important....Assistant coach....Yes assistant....I don’t know....I don’t know I’m working on it.....Ummm I guess I’ll have a club sandwich and a black cherry...ok fine a diet black cherry....

Jacques Martin: Kirk!

Kirk Muller: look I’m in the middle of something...I’ll call you later...No I don’t want to say it...come on I’m working...ok fine I’m your little eleven...Love you too Mom.

Jacques Martin: I...I don’t even want to know what you do when you’re not here.

Anonymous: Did you just say Mom?!

Everyone turns to look at who just spoke, to their surprise it is Mike Cammalleri!

Jacques Martin: Mike!?!?

Mike Cammalleri: Yes?

Everyone is staring at him, mouths wide open in shock. Cammalleri is standing there...totally fine.

Mike Cammalleri: Caaaaan I help the next customer?

Jacques Martin: I’m sorry it’s just that the last time I saw were in a cast and using crutches.

Mike Cammalleri:....So?

Brian Gionta: I don’t think legs are supposed to bend the way your leg bent.

Hal Gill:
Yeah! uhh Dey usually bend like this! *Bends leg normally*

Ryan O’Byrne: Duhh everyone knows dat already Hal!!

Hal Gill: I know Ryyyyaaaann but I’m Just Making sure dey all know what da situation is...

Ryan O’Byrne: Oh yaaaa?

Hal Gill: Yaaaaaa

Ryan O’Byrne: Want to...fight about it?

Hal Gill: Mommmyyyyyy!

Paul Mara: For the last time...It’s pronounced both of you shut up.

Hall Gill and Ryan O’Byrne:
Yes Mommy.

Pal Mara: MARA!

Jacques Martin: Who does Bob draft? Goodness gracious...Mike! Are you telling me that that awkward fall, the one which resulted in you needing assistance to leave the ice, the one where we had to book an MRI for, the one in which all of us thought you were done for the year...has left little to no affect on your knee?

Mike Cammalleri:
Don’t look surprised. I’m Mike Cammalleri.

Scott Gomez:
It’s like your Superman or something.

Mike Cammalleri: hahahaha no no...Superman has weaknesses.

Jacques Martin: Well in any regard I’m happy that you’re ok and that you’re with us today. Moving on....

Before we finally get started, I just want to address something that---

Sergei Kostitsyn: You trade me?

Jacques Martin: No...but it has something to do with that.

Sergei Kostitsyn: Why not?

Jacques Martin: Look, all of you. I know many of you have heard about the moves the Leafs have made. That they have acquired and gotten rid of many key players...but Bob has told me to assure you that he has faith in your ability to win and will NOT be making any moves.

Matt D’Agostini, Max Pacioretty, Ryan White, Tom Pyatt, Yannick Weber, Ben Maxwell, Maxime Lapierre Jaroslav Halak: AWWWWWWWWWWW

Maxime Lapierre:
But I want so badlee to go to Minneee and be with my lover Gimmauve!

Hi ‘ave asked for the trade but Boob

Carey Price:

Maxime Lapierre: But ‘e just won’t move me.

Jacques Martin: Sorry Max but he won’t be making any more deals this season.

Brian Gionta: Did Bell discontinue his phone and internet service again?

Jacques Martin:...I wouldn’t know anything about that.

ANYWAYS back to business. We’re here to name the next captain. Now as you know I asked all of you to fill in these *holds up papers* questionnaires. It was just a way for us to get into your heads a little bit...and needless to say the results were...interesting.

*Cuts to last night, Martin, Muller, Pear, and Groulx are huddled around a table reading the questionnaires.*

Jacques Martin: AHAHAHAHA Oh man, some of these answers are just off the wall. Listen to what Gorges put down for strengths ‘result of best trade Gainey has ever made.’

Kirk Muller:
That’s nothing, for ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ Gomez put ‘playing for the Montreal Canadiens’.

Pierre Groulx: Get this: Weaknesses for Carey Price...’Glove Side’ No shit!

Perry Pearn: I think I have the winner here- Sergei Kostitsyn ‘What’s the best part about being a Montreal Canadien’ He wrote , literally. ‘It better dan steenkee Hemeelton”


Jacques Martin:
Hoo boy...well we’ve got some work to do boys...we need to narrow this down to about...6 or 7 guys for the second round..I mean...phase of our selection process.

*Cuts back to present day*

Jacques Martin: Now we’re going to be using these to help us make our decisions, but a lot of what we do today is going to be factored in as well. We’ve broken you up into groups, each group is going to go to a different coach who will be stationed around the rink and will rota throughout the day. You’ll find that each station will test the abilities you need to be the captain of the Montreal Canadiens.

Pearn will be at the ‘Media and Communications’ station.

Muller will be at the ‘Hockey Basics and Skills’ station.

And I will be at the ‘On and Off Ice leadership station’

Break into your groups please.

They break into their groups and skate to different spots on the ice.

Group One: Gionta, Pacioretty, Gomez, Gill, O’Byrne, Price, Moen, Mara, Metropilit, Gorges, Wyman.

Group Two: Plekanec, White, Pyatt, Halak, Spacek, D’Agostini, S. Kostitsyn, Darche, Maxwell, Carle, Markov.

Group Three: Pouliot, Lapierre, Desharnais, Hamrlik, Weber, Cammalleri, A. Kostitsyn, Spacek, Belle, Stewart.

*If I forgot anyone, he wasn’t invited.*

Jacques Martin: Ok head out to your stations.

We cut in to scenes from each session.

Group 1:

Station 1- Media and Communications

Perry Pearn:
Ok welcome to the Media and Communications station, it is here that we’ll get a gauge of how well you would handle the media and communications aspect of being the Captain of this team.

Scott Gomez: I already learned French, what more do I need to know?

Maxime Lapierre: Esti...You did not learn Francais.

Scott Gomez: I totally did. Re-guard: Bon Jure. Je Maple Scott Gomez. Been Venue. Seel voo plait. Mercy.

Maxime Lapierre:Ay yi yi yi....

Max Pacioretty:
I’m really good looking, does that count for anything? I’m good in front of the cameras.

Paul Mara:
I can grow my beard at will. That should count for something right?

Ryan O’Byrne:
Mommy has a thick thick beard!

Hal Gill: It’s so fuzzy....fuzzyyyy.

Paul Mara: Don’t make me send you two to time out—I mean stop calling me that!

Josh Gorges: I really think I have a good report with the media. They seem to like what I have to say.

Scott Gomez: Oooo goody goody Gorges, they have a word for you in French. It’s called Defenseueure.

Josh Gorges: That makes sense...

Scott Gomez:
Damn right it does. You got served got served a big hot plate of Alaskan King Crab.

Josh Gorges: Wow you really have no grasp of the language do you.

Scott Gomez: I’ll grasp you if you don’t stop!

Carey Price: That’s what she said.

Station 2-Hockey Basics and Skills.

Kirk Muller: Ok welcome to station 2, the Hockey basics and skills section. Let’s start off with some passing drills.
The players pair up and start passing back and forth.

Glen Metropolit
: I love passing, in fact I love it so much that I ask my General Managers to pass me from team to team.

Travis Moen: You ask to be traded and waived?

Paul Mara: Easy Travis...let him dream.

Hal Gill: I’ve never done this before...this could be so useful in a game!

J.T. Wyman: Why do I have to be stuck with Gomez? I thought I already got Hazed?

Scott Gomez: Too aim sa wee?

Station 3-On and Off Ice Leadership

Jacques Martin:
Welcome to Station 3, this is more of a role playing station to test your leadership skills.

Okay, Josh and Maxime I want you to pretend to fight and then...Travis will come in and try to break up diplomatically.

Maxime Lapierre: I don’t fight.

JT Wyman:
I’ll step in.

Jacques Martin: Who are you?

Group 2:

Station 1- Media and Communications

Perry Pearn:
I don’t care what Patrick Roy taught you’s not a good idea to say you’re never going to play a game for Montreal again.

Jaroslav Halak: But it worked out well for him!

Sergei Kostitsyn: Qvestion. If eye want trade. What best way? I try and try, but notheeng happen!

Plekanec: I don’t know...I called myself a little girl and that didn’t even work.

Sergei Kostitsyn: Why does fat Guillaume get trade? Why does chimmichanga get trade? Why no Sergei?

Matt D’Agostini: I don’t see why you want to get traded...Montreal rules.

Sergei Kostitsyn:
Shut up D’Agostini Martini Bikini...I no want slep chap.

Andrei Markov:
I hav question Perry. What do you do when you just want to play hockey and not be questioned by the media? I love sport but all the media is so distracting.

Jaroslav Spacek: Sign in Atlanta.

Station 2-

Hockey Basics and Skills:

MAB: And that’s how you take a slap shot.

Kirk Muller: Ok now can you show us to...take a wrist shot?

MAB: A what?

Station 3- On and Off Ice Leadership

Mathieu Darche:
Anyways I just want you to know...I’m sorry I took your spot on the roster, but if you give it your all and try really hard I’m sure you can make it back up here one day.

Matt D’Agostini:
You’re right...I forgive you.

*everyone claps*

Jacques Martin: That’s great...can we start the roleplay now?

Group 3-

Station 1- Media and Communications

Mike Cammalleri: You know...we just try to leave it all out on the’s a great atmosphere in the building and we really try to feed off the energy of the crowd....I think that helped us a lot going into the third. Ya we got a bad bounce on their first goal but we really came together as a team to overcome that and Gio got a big goal late in the second to tie it...and we just took off from there.....ok thanks.

Pearry Pearn:
THAT is how you conduct a post game interview.

Andrei Kostitsyn: TEACH ME WISE ONE!

Station 2- Hockey Basics and Skills.

Brian Gionta: Ok, now what you’re going to want to do is get really low to the ground when you come into the corner so that when the defender comes at you he should hit the boards instead of hitting you.

Benoit Pouliot:
But what do you do if you’re taller than 5’9.

Brian Gionta: I wouldn’t know Benoit...I wouldn’t know.

Andrei Kostitsyn:
What you talk of? Boards? I just shoot puck in net. I just got to net and try to put puck in net.

Greg Stewart:
Coach Muller? What do you do if you have no hockey skill?

Kirk Muller: Good question. I’m going to tell you the same thing Gainey told Patrice
Brisebois –Retire before you embarrass yourself...but we’ll offer you a contract anyways...for some reason. I don’t know why Bob told him that last part.

Greg Stewart:

Station 3-On and Off Ice Leadership

Jacques Martin:
Ok Mike let’s hear it.

Mike Cammalleri:
hear what?

Jacques Martin: Your speech about how you’re the perfect candidate, who knows all about leadership and all that stuff.

Mike Cammalleri:
I have no speech.

Brian Gionta: *Puts a hand to Cammalleri’s forehead* No fever.

Andrei Kostitsyn:

Mike Cammalleri: ...yeah? What’s the problem here...

Roman Hamrlik: Are you ok? You seem...different...almost as if you’re playing in a role that you shouldn’t be playing in because it’s outside of your age and skill limitations.

Jacques Martin: Guys I think he’s legitimate here...look we’re running late on time...let’s meet in the middle *blows whistle*.

Mike Cammalleri goes up to Benoit Pouliot who slips him a 100 dollar bill.

Mike Cammalleri: Told you I could hold out.


The coaches are standing in front of the team again.

Jacques Martin: Ok I’ve had a chance to evaluate you all, and now we’re going to skim the field a bit. What I have here are A’s, normally given out to the Alternate Captains. If you receive a rose, I mean make it to the next round of selection.

The players look nervous.

Jacques Martin: When I call your name, step forward and get an A. For those of you who don’t get hard feelings we just decided to go in a different direction.

Scott Gomez.

Brian Gionta.

Hal Gill.

Mike Cammalleri: WHAT!?

Jacques Martin:

Roman Hamrlik.

Carey Price...for the Luongo aspect.

Josh Gorges.

Maxime Lapierre.

Tomas Plekanec.

Travis Moen.



Mike Cammalleri: I’m actually going to bust a nut.

Jacques Martin: And Mike Cammalleri.

Mike Cammalleri:....Oh thank god....thank the lord...I almost puked.

Jacques Martin: Those of you who received As, you’ll be contacted soon with more information...thank you all for coming out today!


Carey Price: hehehe Boob.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Captain-Part One

“I've never been captain in 16 years in the NHL. But that didn't stop me being a leader in my own way."

-Guy Lafleur

Oh Guy...if that’s not a sugar coated way to say ‘I was never captain, but I still have a shit load of points so it doesn’t matter....but it actually does matter because Captains are the most respected people in the game and my ego really needs that title...but I’m going to pretend that I don’t care by saying that I was a leader in other ways’ then I don’t know what is.

Aside from the games that the team plays, the biggest story surrounding the Canadiens this year has been the lack of a team Captain. Some say we needed one on October 1st, others say we need to be patient.

Recently Jacques Martin made the decision to look for a Captain to lead the Montreal Canadiens into the post season (whether they’ll be playing on ice or on grass is not relevant).

Being the Captain in Montreal is a harder job than being Gary Bettman’s tailor (He’s that weird height in between adult and do you clothe that man?)

You have to deal with the media, the fans, the media, the media, Scott Gomez, and the media...hard!

How will he choose?

He could just name one.

He could put it to a player vote.

Orrrrrr he could have a ‘bachelor’ type competition. Yah let’s go with that.

Welcome to:


The scene opens to show the famous rink of the Bell Centre in Montreal.

On it is every single player to have played for the Montreal Canadiens in the 2009-2010 season(except for Guimauve and BGL) Jacques Martin, Kirk Muller and Perry Pearn.

The players are skating around the rink with the coaches in the center ice circle.

They are casually talking amongst themselves, we casually pan in to some of their conversations.

The team is in high spirits after playing back to back games against New Jersey and New York and winning both in fine fashion.

Mike Cammalleri:
What a weekend boys, huge wins eh?

Benoit Pouliot: I know I feel like we’re going to build off of this win.

Scott Gomez:
It felt so good to burn the old teams.

Mike Cammalleri: I wish I knew what that felt like...

Benoit Pouilot: You could always get traded and then play us.

Mike Cammalleri:
HAHAHAHAHA....wait really?

Benoit Pouilot: Well around here...seems like all you have to do is play poorly for two consecutive years, get scratched a few times while still making full salary, say some harsh yet vague comments to the media...and you’ll be out before you know it!

Mike Cammalleri: I don’t have a problem with all of that except that play poorly part...I don’t think I could do that if I tried.

Brian Gionta: Plus that seems like a lot of work just to try and get a win against your former team. Why not just wait until L.A. or Calgary roams around on the schedule again.

Mike Cammalleri: That would take too long. Benny, tell me more about this trade plan...


Sergei Kostitsyn: ...And zat is how eye lend up in Hemeelton.

Andrei Markov:
You could always haf just tried hard and worked to get back up to the team...

Sergei Kostitsyn: Da, but some funny man named Bertrand Raymond pay me moneys to throw heesee feet so he could write story in paper.


Tomas Plekanec: Hey Hal...How’s the air up there?

*skates away*

Hal Gill: Umm...cold?

Josh Gorges: Man you are slow...

Hal Gil:


Matt D’Agostini: I hope the coach is watching me, I really need to be back up here, I can’t stand Hamilton anymore I’m going to go crazy.

Max Pacioretty:
At least you get to come back after 2 weeks...I have no expiration date. Do you know how hard it is to pick up a girl when you smell like Diesel fuel? Even the strippers cost me double!

David Desharnais:
At least you guys have played up there for a while...I played one game.

Ryan White:
At least you got to play a whole game...


The whistle blows and the players converge at center ice.

Jacques Martin:
Alright good skate les boys, now there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.

Glen Metropolit: Pension plan?

Jacques Martin:
No it’s-

Travis Moen: The Habs rodeo is canceled?

Jacques Martin:’s abou-

Carey Price:
Oh thank god.

Jacques Martin:
If we’re finished!....Thank you.

I want to talk to you about the selection of our Captain. I feel as if we’ve put it off long enough and it’s time to make the selection.

Mike Cammalleri:

Brian Gionta: Shotgun!

Mike Cammalleri:
Nuh’re not in view of the captaincy.

Brian Gionta:
How can you view a Captaincy?

Scott Gomez:
Just look at me.

Carey Price: Pwned.

Jacques Martin:
Anyways! Over the next few weeks we’ll be getting to know you in different get a feel for who you are as a person. There will be eliminations, challenges, and at the end of it all we’ll select the winner...I mean Captain.

That’s all for today, we’ll start first thing tomorrow.

Jacques and the coaches skate off the ice leaving the players there to think about the task at hand.

Mike Cammalleri: wow...a chance to be captain...*stares off into distance....again*

Brian Gionta:
Hello? Mike? *waves hand in front of his face*

Tomas Plekanec:
Just leave him...he’ll snap out of it can slap him if you want it’s really fun.

MAB: Did someone say Slap shot?

Everyone: Oh Bergy!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Who wants to be a first liner?

The scene opens in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room in the Bell Centre. The familiar sounds of players fraternizing and equipment shuffling are not present, instead there is a rather cool silence that fills the air. In the center of the room is a long table, with two empty chairs behind it.

A tall man with slicked back hair enters the room and stands in front of the table. He smiles and clears his throat before speaking.

Joel Bouchard: Bonjour! Hi ham Joelle Bouchard hand hi ham your ‘ost for dis


Has you may know your Canadiens du Montreal ‘ave been witout hay first liner since Andrei Kostitsyn got ‘urt hagainst de Panters hon New Years heve. Ce soir we har going to ‘ave hauditions to determine de new first liner who will play wit Mike Cammalleri et Tomas Plekanec!

Ét maintenant, Accueillons your judges pour ce soir....MIKE CAMMALLERI ET TOMAS PLEKANEC!

The bridge from Coldplay’s fix you plays as Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec walk into the room and sit down at the table.

Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue judges, har you ready to choose your new winger?

Mike Cammalleri: Yeah we’re ready...but what was that first word you said?

Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue?

Mike Cammalleri:
Yeah that one.

Joel Bouchard:
Hit means welcome, hor you’re welcome.

Mike Cammalleri: Oh sweet I learnt a new French word, I love the culture here.

Plekanec rolls his eyes.

Joelle Bouchard: Maudit....

Hanyways! Nous sommes prêt Le-

Mike Cammalleri:
More French...I love this city.

Tomas Plekanec: We get want to be captain.

Mike Cammalleri: *blushes*What? Th-that’s hilarious...wh-where would you get an idea like that? I mean I wouldn’t turn it down if it was offered to me...but I’m not going to go out there and say that I want to be captain for the greatest sports franchise in the world who’s history is only matched by the overall success of the franchise, and at this time more than ever it needs a leader who not only is charismatic and good looking *winks* but who also scores *winks* passes *winks* and is really really really ridiculously good looking *winks three times*

Tomas Plekanec: Wouldn’t want to do that.

Mike Cammalleri: No, like I said, classless.

Joelle Bouchard: Hanyways! Hif you har bote ready we can get started! Your prospective winger will come and present temselves to you hand at de end you will decide on who you wish to play on de top line wit you!

Tomas Plekanec:
Sounds good Joelle, send in the first one.

The door opens and in walks Sergei Kostistyn, he has a grin on his face and is limping a little bit.

Sergei Kostitsyn: Hyello.

Tomas Plekanec: Hey Sergei, welcome.

Mike Cammalleri:
Aren’t you hurt?

Sergei Kostitsyn: Feerst of all, eye love your toortleneck Tomas, and Mikey, I like your spinny goal against Dyallas, very pretty.

Tomas Plekanec: Oh thanks I got it on sale at....wait a minute, none of that remind me of Brian Burke when he tried to convince me to hold out on a contract in June.

Mike Cammalleri: Man that goal was sweet wasn’t it? *he stares off into the distance*
Plekanec kicks him under the table.

Mike Cammalleri: Right right...well Sergei...what do you have for us?

Sergei Kostitsyn: Wyell my brother was on top line.

There’s a pause.

Sergei looks happy with himself, he doesn’t appear to have anything else to say.

Mike Cammalleri: Is that all?

Sergei Kostitsyn:
No difference...One Kostitsyn other Kostitsyn...we same. Easy for fans and others to make transition. And if I no get job I weel call agent and be traded.

Tomas Plekanec: Nothing about your ability, your strengths?

Sergei Kostitsyn: Eye very strong, one time I lift whole Ox over head in old country.

Mike Cammalleri: Wow really?

Tomas Plekanec: Seriously Mike?

Mike Cammalleri: Do you have any video footage of this Ox lift?

Sergei Kostitsyn: Veedeo? What is veedeo?

Tomas Plekanec: Okay Okay, thanks for coming in Sergei it’s been great we’ll call you soon and let you know...NEXT!

Sergei limps out of the room.

Mike Cammalleri:
I think he has a great shot, I love his edgy-ness...I feel safe with him he's not going to bail if things don't go his way.

Tomas Plecanek:
Let's just see the others before we decide on anything.

Mike Cammalleri: He lifted an Ox over his head!

Tomas Plekanec: NEXT!

The door opens and Maxime Lapierre walks in.

Cammalleri’s immediately tries to jump over the table to get at Lapierre but not before Plekanec grabs him and pins him to the table.

Lapierre smirks and begins to shadow box, he stands behind Joelle Bouchard.

Maxime Lapierre: Old me back old me back!

Bouchard just stands there.

Maxime Lapierre: Cammy hif Bouchard wasn’t ere I would tear you apart.

Joel Bouchard: Why don’t you just go ‘it ‘im.

Maxime Lapierre: *Whispers* Mon dieux Joelle, you know I don’t fight, my face is too pretty.

Plekanec calms down Cammalleri he begrudgingly resumes his spot.

Mike Cammalleri: Sorry I don’t know what came over me, I’m just so damn passionate.

Maxime Lapierre: Hit’s ok, better for you...I probably would have beat you hup hanyways.

Mike Cammalleri: Ok we’ll give you the job if you come up here and punch me in the face right now.

He stands up and turns his cheek to Lapierre.

Mike Cammalleri: Come on Yappy, hit me.

Maxime Lapierre:
You tink I won’t hit you? Because Hi will!

Mike Cammalleri:
Come on Maxie, top line minutes, all you gotta do is fight.

Lapierre cocks his fist back holds it there for a moment. After a few seconds he
begins to sweat, then shake and eventually collapses within himself.

Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec: *pointing* AAAAHHHHH

Maxime sulks out of the room; audible sobs can be heard coming from the hallway as the door is closed behind him.

Tomas Plekanec:
What a bitch.

Mike Cammalleri:

In walks Marc Andre Bergeron.

Tomas Plekanec and Mike Cammalleri: NEXT!

MAB: Oh come on! Max got to talk.

Tomas Plekanec:

A random security guard, who looks a lot like Gregory Stewart grabs MAB and escorts him from the room.

MAB: But I have a great slap shot....and I have the shoulder fake! That thing is impossible to read-*Door Slams*

Tomas Plekanec: This is getting tiresome...

Mike Cammalleri:
Ok who’s next...says here we were supposed to audition Matt D’Agostini and Max Pacioretty...but they had to cancel last minute.

Tomas Plekanec: Really? How come?

Mike Cammalleri:
I don’t know I was looking at the letter ‘C’ in different fonts when Martin told me...something about a Bulldog and diesel fuel.

Tomas Plekanec:
You know we have a word for people like you in the Czech Republic...

Mike Cammalleri: No way really? Can you teach it to me? I love learning about other cultures! Also I-

Tomas Plekanec: Nevermind nevermind...NEXT!

In walks Carey Price

Tomas Plekanec: Umm...are you sure you’re in the right place?

Carey Price: the....auditions....for the...first line.....right?

Mike Cammalleri: Right...but you’re a goalie.


Tomas Plekanec: I don’t get how you don’t get how this is a problem for us.

Carey Price: Well....with Jaro playing so well....I just thought....I can play up front and......get some good minutes.....

Mike Cammalleri: What do you think Tom? It would for sure turn some heads.

Tomas Plekanec: How are you even considering this?

Mike Cammalleri: What? He’s big, he has good reflexes, he’s a competitor, he steps up when we need him and doesn’t fold in pressure situations.

Tomas Plekanec: Are we talking about the same person?

Mike Cammalleri: Who are you talking about?

Tomas Plekanec:
Carey Price!

Mike Cammalleri: Ohhhh I thought you were talking about Mike Cammalleri.

Tomas Plekanec: What? Why would I...? That’s you....

Mike Cammalleri:
I know, that guy’s awesome...

Tomas Plekanec: Jesus Christ...

Carey Price: Yes?

Tomas Plekanec: Wow......Bob better give me some big coin...look Carey this isn’t going to work.

Carey Price:.....

Tomas Plekanec: Oh for crying out loud...not again....CAREY!

Carey Price: GNN...HWAH!? Oh......sorry....I dozed off.

Mike Cammalleri: NEXT!

In walks Benoit Pouliot, Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez. They look pissed off.

Plekanec looks a little flushed.

Mike Cammalleri: Oh hey guys! I knew this was going to happen....Look we’re only looking for one winger here...and I know you guys have like zero chemistry so I know one of you guys wants to come up and play with the big boys....we’ll just talk amongst ourselves while you decide.

So Pleky, Who’s your favourite? The new guy, the new guy, or the really new guy?

Tomas Plekanec: You’re new too...

Mike Cammalleri: I am not the one on trial here.

The three cut in before Cammalleri can continue.

Brian Gionta: Look Mike...we came here...

Scott Gomez: tell you how we feel...
Benoit Pouliot: ....about this whole first line...

All three: Situation...

Tomas Plekanec: this is weird...

Mike Cammalleri: .....I’m feeling afraid....

Brian Gionta: We know that...
Scott Gomez: had a lot of success....
Benoit Pouliot:.....earlier in the year...
Brian Gionta:....but now it’s time to realize....
Scott Gomez: ....that we are the new top line....
Benoit Pouliot: ....and to just accept that fact....

All three: With no hard feelings.

Mike Cammalleri: Oh come on! Ohhh We have chemistry....ohhh we’re so slick and stuff and finish each others....

*awkward pause*

Mike Cammalleri: Not helping Pleky.

Tomas Plekanec: Sorry what? B.

Mike Cammalleri: Look look...Pleky and I have awesome, say the first thing that comes to mind!

Tomas Plekanec: Dog
Mike Cammalleri: Jumanji! Awwwwwww

Brian Gionta: ...It's not that big of a deal...
Scott Gomez: ....after all it's just a number...
Benoit Pouliot: don't sweat it....

The three leave the room, but now before giving the two line mates stern looks.

Joel Bouchard: Well der you ‘ave it folks! Hit looks like we ‘ave a whole new top line! Sorry Cammy et Pleky...but you’ll have to continue your search for a new line mate hon your hown. For Les Canadiens du Montreal Hi ham Joelle Bouchard...good night!



Mike Cammalleri: What the frick just happened here.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I know what Gainey did last Summer, Fall and Winter.

For me, this blog has been a long time coming...but we’ve already enjoyed/endured so much Habs this seems unfair to just jump right into what I have it’s time to play catch up.

Here’s a time line of what went on and what you may have missed since the Habs got ousted by the Bruins last spring.

April 23rd 2009: After getting eliminated by the Bruins in the playoffs, Bob Gainey realizes that he has a ridiculous amount of pending UFAs and wonders why he didn’t try and sign them sooner.

June 1st 2009: Jacques Martin is introduced as the new head coach of the Montreal Canadiens. Among a lot of jibber jabber about his new system and respect for the team...he hints that his system will take a long time to learn and for fans to not expect results right away. The Media assures him that there is no pressure and that he should take his time after a short pregnant pause they collectively howl in laughter.

June 11th 2009: Penguins beat Red Wings in game 7 of Stanley Cup Final, Hal Gill dreams of a big pay raise.

June 26th 2009:
Habs select Louis Leblanc and give Habs fans tons of material to use in years to come in regards to the players the Habs passed on. Eg: ‘Man, in 2009 we passed on blank imagine if we picked him instead of Leblanc!’

June 29th 2009:
Bob Gainey brings up his team roster on his computer and hits ‘ctrl alt delete’

June 30th 2009:
THE trade goes down! Christopher stone hands, one of our highly touted defensive prospects in the college system that needs time to brew, and the reverse defector head to NYR in return for Taylor Pyatt’s brother (who knew he had one?) and former Calder trophy winner, Stanley Cup Champion, and multi millionaire Scott Gomez.

Gainey speaks to the media and answers all of their questions at once by saying that he knows Gomez isn’t Vincent Lecavalier, but the Lightning wanted the right to Komisarek, and we can’t afford to give him up...even for Vinny.

July 1st 2009:
Bob Gainey swears for the first time in 25 years.

Also on July 1st 2009:

Habs fans rejoice at the signing of Brian Gionta.
Habs fans freak out at the signing of Mike Cammalleri.
Habs fans throw up about the signing of Hal Gill.
Habs fans have no reaction to the signing of Jaroslav Spacek.

July 10th 2009: Paul Mara and Travis Moen sign with the Habs, Max Pacioretty and Ryan O’Byrne both burst into tears.

September 30th 2009:
Habs fans everywhere anticipate how their new team will fair, they’re all optimistic, if they can stay healthy they might have a chance.

October 1st 2009: Entire island of Montreal let’s out a collective ‘eff’.

November 8th 2009: Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak have been battling for the number one spot since the start of the season. When asked about this Carey Price diverts the question and promptly puts on all 87 of his new masks in succession, with a detailed commentary about each one. Meanwhile, Halak is on the phone with his agent, asking him why he doesn’t have cool masks like Carey. Halak’s agent signs up for twitter.

November 23rd 2009: The pride and joy of the French Canadian media Guillaume Latendresse is traded to Minnesota for a guy they can learn to love; Benoit Pouilot. Jacques Demers cries, Bertrand Raymond punches a hole in a wall, and RDS changes Canadiens Expresse to ‘Guillaume Expresse”

December 4th 2009: Habs centennial game is a huge success for all except Bob Gainey...who failed to sign lucrative Free Agents when they were right under his nose.

January 1st 2010: Team Burke-SA announces the Men’s Ice Hockey roster for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver omitting Habs forwards Gionta and Gomez. Gionta regrets not signing with the Leafs now more than ever.

Present day: You all realize that this blog is amazing and want to keep reading for years to come.

Until next time...keep laughing.