Friday, May 28, 2010

New Habs Products

Well the Habs have been eliminated from the 2010 playoffs but me typing this in late May rather than mid April is a feat on its own....right? The Habs accomplished a hell of a lot more than the world thought they would and as a result several companies have come a-knocking! If something is hot you have to take advantage of it. Thankfully Mr. Molson and his posse of advertising and marketing execs know this and have been working tirelessly with several outside organizations to take advantage of the Canadiens’ success. People outside of most of the NHL markets know who the Canadiens are now (thanks PTI!) and it’s high time for there to be some recognizable products out there with the Habs logo splashed all over them.

Here are some of the more popular products that are hitting the shelves soon!

The iHab- Being one of the world’s leading entertainment and technology companies; Apple has released the Habs Fans’ dream product. The iHab is the one stop shop for everything Montreal Canadiens. It holds a video library of every Canadiens game ever played, a game that puts you in the skates of the pre-game flag kids, and an exclusive app (similar to the t-pain app) that allows everything you say into the iHab come out sounding like the European player of your choice! A slight snag occurred in the marketing for the product when the black silhouette of Sergei Kostitsyn used in one of the commercials promptly sits down and demands a full minute instead of a 30 second spot.

Maxim Lapierre’s Ultimate Punch Out- Exclusively for the Nintendo Wii, Maxim
Lapierre’s Ultimate Punch chronicles the ventures of the young sparkplug as he makes his way across the NHL fighting league’s most prominent brawlers. Derek Boogaard, Daniel Carcillo, George Parros, Jody Shelley, and Colton Orr among other NHL Heavyweights are all in the game, but their presence is only there for Lappy to veer away from them and go after the weaker and smaller players. The game takes forever to beat as the game ends when you actually get Lapierre to fight.

New Iron Man Suit- Marvel has already gotten started on the third chapter of the
Iron Man series and have worked with the Habs to make a new suit for Tony Stark. The suit is a ‘trump card’ suit, meaning that when Tony is up against all odds and has only one chance at victory he dons this suit. Marvel says that ‘the suit is pretty much invincible. It never wears down, and it’s cheap to operate. Josh Gorges was nice enough to donate his entire body to the film as the suit itself is just Tony Stark immersed in Josh Gorges.

Old Navy Clothing Line- Old Navy called up Jeff Molson with an interesting proposal, and Molson jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. Coming the Fall, Old Navy’s 2010 ‘Back To School’ Collection will feature ads with Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez, and Mike Cammalleri. They will be playing teenagers in the ads, who are upset about going back to school until their moms come home with rad new clothes from Old Navy!

Montreal Canadiens Nascar- The Habs have upped some big cash and paid to be the main sponsor on a stock car in the Nascar circuit. The car is small, but packs a punch...kind of. No matter the driver, the car sits in the middle of the pack the entire race, makes a push for the top of the pack near the end, but fades out in the last ten laps to finish in the top 16. By some weird outcome the car finishes in the top 4 in Nextel cup rankings.

The Andrei Kostitsyn Invisibility Cloak
- Pairing with Warner Bros. and Harry Potter, The Habs have developed the Andrei Kostitsyn special edition Invisibility Cloak. Everyone will still be able to see the person wearing it, but the cloak is heavy and restricting, making the wearer useless in all situations.

Travis Moen Do-It-Yourself Suture Kit-Remember when Travis Moen looked like a baseball? The American Red Cross and Home Depot remember as well. In a combined effort the two organizations allow tough guys everywhere to emulate Travis Moen’s manliness and sew up their minor cuts themselves. We here at Habs Laughs know he didn’t sew himself up, but he would have if he didn’t have those bulky gauntlets on.

Jaroslav Spacek Speak ‘N Spell- Texas Instruments stepped up big on this one, bringing Jaro Spacek into the studio to record all 26 letters of the alphabet to be featured in this limited edition product. After 2 weeks on the shelves TI recalled all of them due to ‘excess creepiness’.

And the biggest earner...

The Carey Price Confidence Booster Shooting Target- Carey Price lends his likeness to this life size cut-out which pins up nicely in your standard street/ice net. Young players can practice their shot aim on Carey. As an added confidence booster, the kids (or kids of all ages) can enjoy the pleasures of every shot going in no matter what.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What would you do?

Who steals a mannequin? Honestly, the douchebags who turned the party into a riot are terrible at looting. I was downtown for the post game festivities after the game 7 win and the second I saw a dude with no Habs colors on tip over a mailbox for no reason I was out of there faster than the Leafs were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. (Cheap shot, I know)

Who is to blame? The city. They closed off the most populous street in the city to all vehicular traffic and as a result thousands of Habs fans poured into that one mile stretch and turned it into Habs frenzy. We took advantage of the opportunity and’s Montreal, what else are we supposed to do? Our team just knocked off the reigning Cup Champs...two weeks after knocking off the Presidents Cup champs! The unfortunate thing is that where there is a massive crowd there are bound to be a few hundred hoodlums looking to loot, vandalize, and image-tarnish.

Habs fans don’t riot, we have fun and celebrate, douchebags riot (poorly, the footage of the looting is laughable). So all of you judgmental non-Habs fans out there ask yourself ‘what would you have done had your team done what the Canadiens did?’

Habs Laughs has a good idea of what would happen...they wouldn’t riot though...other teams’ fans would NEVER riot...

Anaheim Ducks Fans: Collectively work for months on a script for ‘D:4-NHL’ In Which Gary Bettman (played by Chuck Norris) convinces Gordon Bombay to re-unite the Team USA roster from D:2 and convince them to join the NHL in order to participate in the Stanley Cup Playoffs after the NHL Ducks’ plane gets lost on its way back from Vancouver (because Canada is far). They make the Stanley Cup finals, go to game 7, and can’t play because the team shows up on the eve of the game. Right before puck drop, the Ducks Captain (played by Matt Damon) allows the new Ducks to play instead of the NHL team. *Where is my Oscar?*

Atlanta Thrashers Fans: Wake up from the lovely dream they were having.

Boston Bruins Fans: Celebrate, but a few yahoos will go to the zoo and free all the bears as a joke. Headlines in the Herald the next day will read ‘Where’s the Bears?’ That dude will probably get fired.

Buffalo Sabres Fans: See ‘Bruce Almighty’ for the answer to this one....the Sabres actually win the cup in that movie.

Calgary Flames Fans: Continue to bitch and moan about how they got screwed in ’04. Prompting the refs to screw them in the upcoming rounds.

Carolina Hurricanes Fans: They won’t notice because they’ll be too busy rallying in order to get their organization to trade for more Staal Brothers. The Rangers can’t have two.

Chicago Blackhawks Fans: Be really legit about if your best friend beat you in a race or something.

Colorado Avalanche Fans: Say thanks to Joe Sakic for coming out of retirement.

Columbus Bluejackets Fans: Even I don’t know what they would do. That franchise has had less success than the Viagra suppository.

Dallas Stars Fans: Something along the lines of 

Detroit Red Wings Fans:
No celebrations until the cup comes home...they don’t even go to games unless it’s a cup clinching game.

Edmonton Oilers Fans: We’ll find out in ten least.

Los Angeles Kings Fans: Initiate ‘Operation McSorley’ and sneak into opposing teams rinks and take back all the illegal sticks they deposited in the opposing teams’ equipment bags.

Minnesota Wild Fans: Re-form the search party for Guillaume Latendresse who apparently disappeared after 50 games.

Nashville Predators Fans: Two words- Ho Down.

New Jersey Devils Fans: Finally give in to Brodeur’s request and begin work on the 50 foot statue he commissioned back in 2003.

New York Islanders Fans: Continue to pool their money and donate it to the
Islanders who claim they’ve found the cure for whatever injury Rick DiPietro has. The fans don’t ask questions, they haven’t won in forever.

New York Rangers Fans:
Be Obnoxious about it.

Ottawa Senators Fans: Celebrate in a mild and polite manner, lights out by 11.

Philadelphia Flyers Fans: Beat the crap out of several people, then maybe talk about how they knew they were going to do it for about a week.

Phoenix Coyotes Fans: Be sure to thank Mr. Bettman...again.

Pittsburgh Penguins Fans: Curse because they’d have to come back to Mellon arena again.

San Jose Sharks Fans:
Continue to rag on Joe Thornton for not doing anything.

St. Louis Blues Fans: Stay at the Cards game, it’s only the 7th inning.

Tampa Bay Lightning Fans: Die of shock as a result of their team winning without a Coach, GM, or Owner...regardless if they’ve been fired or not.

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans: The same thing they do after every win; plan the parade.

Vancouver Canucks Fans: Start multiple petitions to make Luongo the Coach, GM, and Mayor of Vancouver.

Washington Capitals Fans: Still pretend to care until Redskins training camp starts.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Angry Sal!

Being a Habs fan isn't easy...and nobody knows it better than this guy. I've heard Angry Sal in to the team 990 before, but I've never heard him go off like this. Shout out to Dustin Gilman for sending this to me after Game 4 of the Habs/Caps series.

Imagine what he would have done if the Habs lost last night!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Top Ten Crosby Excuses

If Sidney Crosby has been trying to discredit any conspiracy theories lately, you wouldn’t have guessed it by his actions during game 2 of the Habs-Pens semi-final series. Here’s the video in case you missed it:

To the amazement of experts and fans everywhere, Crosby was not given a penalty on the play. Was it a penalty? Probably, but I’m not going to spend my time ranting about conspiracy theories. Besides, there isn’t a conspiracy...Crosby is just really good at getting out of tight spots (kind of like Patrick Kane). He actually gave the best excuse known to mankind to the ref when confronted about the incident.

Nobody knows what it was but my guess it was one of the following...

Top Ten Excuses Sidney Crosby gave to the Refs after breaking his stick in frustration.

10. You would do it to if Ryan O’Byrne beat you to the puck!

9. Some Habs did it for Josh Gorges last year when HE couldn’t score...

8. I was just trying to show everyone that I can hit something.

7. I hadn’t hit the net in two games!

6. Bylsma told me that I’d be rooming with Cooke after the game.

5. I was aiming for Halak...

4. I’m still not over the whole Conan/Leno feud.

3. I found the Post’s cell phone; it was cheating on me with several mistresses!

2. Vegas odds of me doing that were 900:1 and I was doing Rick Tocchet a favour.

And the number 1 Excuse Sidney Crosby gave to the Refs after breaking his stick in frustration...

1. I’m Sidney Crosby!