Sunday, February 27, 2011

Inside Pierre Gauthier's War Room

The trade deadline is under 24 hours away and every Habs fan is up in arms about what Pierre Gauthier will (or won’t) do in the hours to come. The Interim GM (not officially, but everyone knows a dude who has never played an NHL game isn’t qualified to be the Habs GM) has made some moves but so far he hasn’t dropped any jaws.

Everyone out there seems to think that Pierre Gauthier is just sitting back and enjoying his life while every other GM is improving their team with trades and waiver claims.

They’re wrong.

Habs Laughs was recently invited (invited, pretended I was a plumber and installed a hidden camera…whatever) to the GMs office and had a first glace look at what the GM has done thus far.


Inside Pierre Gauthier’s War Room

January 23rd 2011

Pierre Gauthier: I disagree; I think they can both make a great impact.

Jacques Martin: You’re right, but they are totally different. One is all about size, the other is about style.

Kirk Muller: Style? We don’t need style, I need size.

Jacques Martin: You mean we need size.

Kirk Muller: Whatever.

Pierre Gauthier: The bottom line is, I have two options, they’re both guarantees. All I need to do is pick up the phone, call one of them and it’s done.

Kirk Muller: I say we go with size. The team is hungry. If we’re only a phone call away then I see no harm in bringing it in.

Jacques Martin: I was just going to say that.

Pierre Gauthier: Alright, I’ll call him up.

He picks up the phone.

Pierre Gauthier: Hello, Dominos? 4 Extra Large pepperoni please.

Jacques Martin: I want Cinastix!


February 1st 2011

*We enter to find Pierre Gauthier on the phone*

Pierre Gauthier: I know I know, I just….Yes I know. Well you know what they say: two heads are better than one haha!….you know I kind of did you a favour, you semi owe me Dave. You freaking gave me Dan Ellis! ….but he COULD have been! You know what the fans would have done if he had that twitter explosion as a Hab?...need I remind you of what they do when we win a playoff round?...Do you want that on your head? Look all I’m saying is-take the brother! What do you have to lose?...ASIDE from Hockey games?....ASIDE from fans? I’ll throw in the brother, a first round pick AND David Desharnais, the kid is totally the next Martin St. Louis, Eklund said so! You can’t lo----Hello?...Hello?



February 17th 2011

Trevor Timmins: Is it true that you just traded for Paul Mara?

Pierre Gauthier: How did you know that?

Trevor Timmins: It’s all over Twitter! You traded that pick we got for Lapierre? I already knew the 5’11 collegiate center I was going to draft with that!

Pierre Gauthier: I hadn’t even made the trade call to the league yet, how did twitter know? Who reported it?

Trevor Timmins: Bob McKenzie.

Pierre Gauthier: How the hell did he know?

Trevor Timmins: Well, he’s standing right there.

Bob McKenzie: Yo!

Pierre Gauthier: GAAH!!

Bob McKenzie: I'm the insider!

*McKenzie disappears*

Pierre Gauthier: I feel violated.


February 20th 2011

Pierre Gauthier: Thank you all for coming, I called you all in here today to discuss a very pressing issue.

Brian Burke: You’re not truculent?

Ken Holland: You’re secretly Bob Gainey?

Pierre Gauthier: No no, I wanted to get you all in the same room because I don’t want anyone saying I didn’t try to do what I’m about to do.

Steve Yzerman: This isn’t some kind of time share thing is it?

Pierre Gauthier: No, but it is an investment, a one time opportunity to get your hands on something that will help your team forever.

Peter Chiarelli: Toronto’s draft picks?

Pierre Gauthier: No, I am talking about….Scott Gomez.

Scott Gomez: That’s why I’m here?

Glen Sather: HA!

Mike Gillis: I’m out.

Ray Shero: I’ve lost by two best players and even I don’t want him.

Pierre Gauthier: Wait! This is my last ditch effort! I paid for all of your flights and accommodations, the least you can do is hear me out!

Bryan Murray: You didn’t pay for my flight or accommodations!

Pierre Gauthier: Well, you’re not really a GM.

Lou Lamoriello: Burn.

Pierre Gauthier: Scott, tell them why you’re awesome.

Scott Gomez: Are you serious? This isn’t going to work.

Pierre Gauthier: It better work, if you stay here things are going to be super awkward and I hate awkward situations. I traded Ryan O’Byrne because one time I went into the bathroom and someone was taking a dump, but the person didn’t hear me come in and really let it go. He came out of the stall when I was washing my hands. Super awkward.

Scott Gomez: Anybody want me?


Pierre Gauthier: Crap!

Scott Gomez: I hate you Pierre.

Pierre Gauthier: Yeah well, you’re richer than me.

Scott Gomez: True.

February 25th 2011

Jacques Martin: He’s most likely out for the year.

Pierre Gauthier: Eff.

Jacques Martin: …Gee?

Pierre Gauthier: Man you’re dumb sometimes.

Jacques Martin: What are we going to do about this?

Pierre Gauthier: I don’t know, I’ve traded for so many 7th defensemen, it’s kind of sad.

Jacques Martin: Lyle Odelein owes us a favour, want me to call him?

Pierre Gauthier: *sigh* I already called him.

Jacques Martin: Well, we can always trade for one more.

Pierre Gauthier: What does NHL 11 say?

Carey Price: It says Atlanta will give us Brent Sopel and Nigel Dawes for Ben Maxwell and a 4th Round pick.

Pierre Gauthier: You know, that can work, good work Carey.

Carey Price: Pass the Cheetos.

Pierre Gauthier: K

Jacques Martin: El?


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tweet Ten Best Moments of Pierre Gauthier's First Year

10. Finally figured out how to set up his account!

9. That time when Jaroslav Halak sealed his fate by not letting him win at connect 4.

8. Getting Justin Biebers autograph.

7. Succesfully continuing the tradition of releasing and then signing a better 3rd to 4th line center.

6. Tricking Tomas Plekanec into signing that 5 million peso per year contract.

5. Signing Alex Auld- the best goalie in the nhl whose last name rhymes
with his hairstyle.

4. Similar to Mario Lemieux and Sidney Crosby, Gauthier moved in to Price's

3. Successfully keeping the secret that he is in some kind of 'face off'
situation with Bob Gainey.

2. Not re-signing Marc-Andre Bergeron

1.Nabbed future Norris trophy winner: Bret Festerling

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Tweet Ten signs your Superbowl party sucks.

10. There’s Quiche.

9. During halftime the host makes you play ‘Glee Karaoke’

8. On your betting spreadsheet, Troy Polamalu is listed as ‘That dude with the hair from the head and shoulders commercials’

7. The beer is non-alcoholic because the host’s parents think that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time.

6. You’re attending some kind of online video chat thingy.

5. It's the week earlier and you're watching the Pro Bowl.

4. The host doesn't get the American commercials.

3. Everyone there is only there because there was a Habs game on that afternoon.

2. Did I mention there’s Quiche?

1. The Host doesn’t have HD and it turns out you’ve been watching a rerun of the 1987 Grey Cup the entire time.