Friday, June 24, 2011

Probable Scenes From the 2011 NHL Entry Draft

Well, the NHL draft is tomorrow night and if Twitter doesn’t spoil the whole thing we should be in for a treat.

GMs have been actually earning their pay (I’m looking at you, Paul Holmgren) by exploding the trade market wide open on Friday afternoon (One way to avoid a lockout: make the cap ceiling so damn high that everyone is happy). The draft will be just as it has been the past few years, with TSN making is seem like every player is way better than they actually are (unless your name is Stephen Stamkos) and with every team mysteriously having the name of the player they select on their jersey seconds after they announce the kid’s name.

I am not a psychic, but I can make predictions, keep reading if you want to see some probably scenes from tomorrow night’s NHL draft.


Brian Burke: Oh hey there Bryan, what’s up?

Bryan Murray: Oh Um Hi Brian, nothing much.

Brian Burke: Nooothing, hey you know what I just realised? We have the same first name!

Bryan Murray: Oh yeah, except my name is spelled with a ‘Y’ and yours is with an ‘I’

Brian Burke: Well then I guess that’s ‘Y’ you’re such a great dude!

Bryan Murray: hahahaha! You know Brian, you’re a pretty good guy.

Brian Burke: Well thanks, hey, by the way...who are you drafting?

Brian Murray: Well I was going to dra-WAIT A MINUTE! I won’t fall for that again!

Brian Burke: Damn, I’ll get you Bryan! Who the hell spells ‘Brian’ with a ‘Y’ anways!?

Later on...

Brian Burke: With the 25th pick in the 2011 entry draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs are proud to select...whoever the Ottawa Senators are going to take with their next pick.

Bryan Murray: OH COME ON!


Gary Bettman: We have a trade to announce.

The crowd gets excited.

Gary Bettman: The Colorado Avalan-

*From the crowd* Bob McKenzie: I tweeted that like, 20 minutes ago.

Gary Bettman: Oh, um...well The Da-

Bob McKenzie: That one too.

Gary Bettman: Jesus! How about...the Anah-

Eklund: Even I tweeted that.

Gary Bettman: F*Beep*ck Twitter.

Eklund: It was an E5!


Peter Chiarelli: So, why are you here again?

Zdeno Chara: Protection.

Peter Chiarelli: I don’t understand.

Zdeno Chara: You insist to bring cup with you everywhere, owners want me to be bodyguard.

Peter Chiarelli looks behind him at the Stanley cup, which has a leash around it.

Peter Chiarelli: That seems fair, what’s with that thing?
Zdeno shifts to the left revealing a stanchion propped up against a wall.

Zdeno Chara: Weapon of choice.

Peter Chiarelli: Ah.

Mike Gillis: Got any Sedins?

Glen Sather: You’re the only one who has Sedins, go fish.

Mike Gillis: Damn.

Jim Rutherford: Hey Glen, got any Staals?

Glen Sather: *Sigh* yeah. 2.

Jim Rutherford: Nice! Hey Pierre, any Staals?

Pierre Gauthier: No, but I’ll give you a Gomez for free! *Looks around* Anyone? Crap. Go fish Jim.

Jim Rutherford: I got Jordan! FISH UPON MY WISH, AND A SET! 4 Staals!

Ray Shero: Wait didn’t I have a Staal? You cheated!

All: F*beep*ck you Ray.


Paul Holmgren: So we’re all set, Brian Boucher and Aaron Asham for the first overall pick.

Steve Tambellini: Hmm, I don’t know...and isn’t Asham in Pittsburgh?

Paul Holmgren: You need a goalie, and Boucher is a goalie.

Steve Tambellini: Well, I can’t argue with that logic. I just think the 1st overall pick is worth more than him.

Paul Holmgren: *waves his hand* You WILL trade me the first overall pick.


Paul Holmgren: Eeeexcellent.

Pierre Gauthier: So let me get this straight, you can make a trade...even without your team sustaining a massive injury to your star player, OR because your token French Canadian has started to suck and you need a new one?

Mike Gillis: Yes.

Pierre Gauthier: Well I’ll be!


Ken Holland: I don’t know, it just happens.

Garth Snow: Just happens you say? Well, it sounds to me like you won’t be needing picks for round 1 through 5.

Ken Holland: No, we’re going to keep them.

Garth Snow: But come onnn I got burnt by Nabokoovvvv, my best player is Matt Moulssoooon. Please? I’ll trade Streit! He’s Swedish...or something.

Ken Holland: Swiss.

Garth Snow: Whatever something French.

Ken Holland: Goodbye Garth.


Pierre Gauthier: Hey man, welcome to the League!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Oh, thanks Pierre.

Pierre McGuire: I don’t know if you know this, but um...I generally manage the Montreal Canadiens.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: I know, it says so on the sign you’re holding.

Pierre Gauthier: How did that get there? Anyways, I want to shoot a little offer your way, get your feet wet with the big boys.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Are you trying to push Scott Gomez on me?

Pierre Gauthier: No!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Because everyone keeps telling me you’re going to do that and I should run away.

Pierre Gauthier: Who said that? Yzerman? He’s a kidder!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Yzerman was one, Bowman, Niewendyk, Fletcher, Maloney, Armstrong..

Pierre Gauthier: Umm..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: McFee, Sherman, Lombardi, Feaster, Lamouriello, Regier...

Pierre Gauthier: er..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: And Burke.

Pierre Gauthier: Wel...thank you for your time Kevin.


James Duthie: Well this is a surprise! We are getting information that Sidney Crosby will be personally selecting the next pick for the Pittsburgh Penguins! Looks like he’s healing nicely from his massive concussion!

Sidney Crosby: With the next pick, the Pittsbin Pengoons are proud to select, from the Bradnor Sneak Fiends in the Oh Ache Elle, Habana Shabanahabadoo.

James Duthie:....Uh....We’ll be right back.