Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Brain Trust-Series Premiere

We open to Marc Bergevin’s new office on the 7th floor of the Bell Centre. The camera focuses on a simple desk, a series of chairs, a small lamp and a dartboard with Scott Gomez’s picture stapled to it.
Sitting around a table stationed at the far corner of the room are the members of new “Habs Brain Trust” consisting of Scott Mellanby, Rick Dudley, Larry Carriere, Patrice Brisebois, Martin Lapointe and of course, Marc Bergevin.
They appear to be engaged in intense and rapid conversation…let’s have a listen.

Marc Bergevin: And then he says “Don’t hire Larry Robinson”

All: *Laughter*

Marc Bergevin: He was serious.

Martin Lapointe: Wait…what?

Marc Bergevin: You know he signed in San Jose last week right? I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this story. Don’t you have phones? TVs?

Scott Mellanby: Yeah but I spend all of my time playing Draw Something and watching Storage Wars.

Marc Bergevin: You guys know you have jobs right?

Rick Dudley: Oh I know I have a job. Right now I’m planning to kidnap the Prime Minister’s daughter and hold her for ransom!

Marc Bergevin: That’s….not leg-

Rick Dudley: And then I’m going to make her fall in love with me!

Marc Bergevin: Does Harper even have a daugh-

Rick Dudley: And then, after she inevitably spurns my advances, I’m going to tie her up and leave her on railroad tracks! *he fingers his moustache* Nyehehehe!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly.

Marc Bergevin: Are you high?

Rick Dudley: As a kite!

Marc Bergevin: So you don’t actually think you’re an old timey villain?

Rick Dudley: Oh I most certainly do!

Scott Mellanby: I heard about this from Burke at the draft. Just ignore him until he comes back to earth.

Patrice Brisebois: Like Georges Laraque?

Scott Mellanby: Exactly.

Marc Bergevin: Alright, on to business then. As you may or may not have heard, I’m awesome.

Larry Carriere: Who said that?

Marc Bergevin: Doesn’t matter. The point is that we’re well on our way to recovering from the dark ages and I think that we’re making good headway into establishing ourselves as a legitimate organization within the NHL again.

Larry Carriere: I have to admit that things are a lot better since he who must not be named was fired.

Marc Bergevin: You’re right. And you know what that reminds me, why won’t you say Pier-

Larry Carriere: NO! Please don’t say his name. It’s not that a won’t say it…it’s more like I can’t say it.

Marc Bergevin: Why not?

Larry Carriere: I maybe kind of most definitely have developed a conditioned reflex to that name.

Marc Bergevin: Because he made your life a living hell for a year.

Larry Carriere: Yes. So I would really appreciate you not saying his name.

Marc Bergevin: Ok.

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Without warning, Carriere jumps across the table and punches Lapointe in the face.

Patrice Brisebois: Jesus!

Larry Carriere: I’m sorry, I warned him.

Marc Bergevin: You should probably see a shrink about that.

Larry Carriere: I’ve been to four. Two are pressing charges.

Marc Bergevin: Tabled?

Scott Mellanby: Tabled.

Patrice Brisebois: Tabled.

Rick Dudley: Tabled mmmyesssss!

Marc Bergevin: Anyways, As I was saying: Our image is improving but it’s still not up to where I want it to be. We’ve been trying to get our name out there in the media world but we haven’t been very successful.

Scott Mellanby: Family Feud was a disaster.

*The scene cuts to several members of the Canadiens on the hit TV gameshow Family Feud*

Steve Harvey: Well congratulations Brian, you did fantastic in the first round of Fast Money earning 170 points! It’s now up to you, Tomas, to get at least 30 points to win 50,000 for your charity!

Tomas Kaberle: I am ready Steve!

Steve Harvey: Alright, to go over the rules one more time, I will tell you a survey question and if you-

Tomas Kaberle: I watched this show all the time as a kid. I know the rules Steve.

Steve Harvey: Alright a pro! Here we go folks! 70 seconds on the clock! Name somewhere you drive to…

Tomas Kaberle:…..Pass.

Brian Gionta: Crap.

*Cut back to the office*

Patrice Brisebois: And we all know sending Desharnais to the Children’s hospital was a terrible idea.

*Cut to the Montreal Children’s Hospital*


*Cut back to the office*

Larry Carriere: And getting Emelin to work that kid’s birthday party was not smart.

*Cut to birthday party*

Alexei Emelin: Who want see dead body?!*

*Cut back to the office*

Marc Bergevin: So I think we can all agree that we should slow it down with the public appearances but I think we still need to tell the world that the old regime is over and that we’re back to the old Habs who love to win and be all in your face about it. Scott, what’s Twitter saying about us?

Scott Mellanby: Well, they want you to sign a top 6 forward.

Marc Bergevin: What? There were like none available!

Larry Carriere: What? There tons!

Marc Bergevin: No.

Scott Mellanby: Jagr, Whitney, Parenteau-

Marc Bergevin: They’re no-

Larry Carriere: Parise, Hudler-

Marc Bergevin: I don’t se-

Scott Mellanby: Semin and Doan are still available

Patrice Brisebois: Latendresse called us like 6 times!

Marc Bergevin: THANK YOU, TEAM!

Scott Mellanby: I’m just saying…

Marc Bergevin: I have a plan, alright?

Patrice Brisebois: Do tell.

Rick Dudley: Yeah, tell us!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly again.

Rick Dudley: Oh I came back during the flashbacks.

Marc Bergevin: Good lord…anyways, I can’t tell you what my plan is because it has to be super secret or else it’s going to get messed up. Can you guys trust me, do your jobs, and just let it play out?

Rick Dudley: That seems fair. In Toronto Burke’s plan was to keep trading crap to Jay Feaster until the team made the playoffs.

Scott Mellanby: That’s alright with me, I have no idea what my actual job is anways. I just show up and play Draw Something and-

Marc Bergevin: Watch Storage Wars, I got it.

Patrice Brisebois: And I will keep telling the youth of this team how to be successful in Montreal until you earn your big contract!

Marc Bergevin: And also after they’ve earned their big contract too.

Patrcie Brisebois: Um, yeah…after too!

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Larry Carriere: GAAAHHH!!!

*The Camera fades to black*