Thursday, September 13, 2012

Tweet Tens

Tweet Ten things Youppi! will do during a lockout.

10. Shave
9. Become Geoff Molson's personal Butler.
8. Appear in a series of Sesame Street episodes playing Elmo's Canadian cousin.
7. Participate in Survivor: Mascot Island
6. Rent himself out as a pillow for hire.
5. Learn to talk.
4. Will become the Alouettes Mascot after EndZone and Blitz mysteriously disappear.
3. Brag about being one of 3 Mascots in the MLB Hall of Fame
2. Haunt Jeffrey Loria.
1. Write an autobiography entitled: 50 Shades of Orange

Tweet Ten new Features found in NHL 13
10. The Edmonton Oilers now have the ability to draft defensemen.
9. Find the hidden Easter Egg that lets you push Gary Bettman down a flight of stairs.
8. Enter the code "daddyhelps" to lower penalty frequency for your team and raise it for your opponents-Only available while playing with the Bruins.
7. New realism while playing with Toronto: Make any trade you want to make, still finish 13th or worse.
6. Be A Pro mode now let's you choose whether or not you want to go to a bar at 2AM during the playoffs.
5. Be A GM Mode now has a "automatically the siblings of your star players" feature.
4. Choose Your Own Adventure CBA negotiations mode!
3. Integrate your game with NBA and Madden titles to make sure the other teams in your city lose so you become the most popular team in town.
2. Gauthier Mode-Your players disappear during games and the game itself costs $2000
1. Press ABAB after winning or losing a playoff series with Montreal to enter Fan Riot Mode. 

Tweet Ten Soccer Celebrations.

10. The Thierry Henry: Scores then refreshes himself by drinking a water bottle full of Irishmen's tears.
9. The Cristiano Ronaldo: Scores then kisses his own feet.
8. The Diego Maradona: Scores then thanks the big man upstairs.
7. The Ronaldo: Scores then eats an entire Birthday Cake.
6. The Landon Donovan: Scores then goes on a rant about how more people should pay attention to MLS.
5. The Fernando Torres: Scores then signs with another team for 3 times the money he's currently making.
4. The Lionnel Messi: Scores then performs open heart surgery while jumping over the grand canyon on a skateboard.
3. The Frank Ribery: Scores then continues to be the world's biggest badass.
2. The Mario Balotelli: Scores then punches the goalie in the face
1. The David Beckham: Scores then makes out with Posh Spice for 45 minutes

Tweet Ten Clauses Included in Max Pacioretty's Deal.

10. $5 per twitter follower.
9.  Unlimited access to the Youppi costume, no questions asked.
8.  8 Free wings from Cage Aux Sports every time the team scores 5 goals.
7. All of his goals must be announced by The Rock.
6. Penthouse in the Tours Des Canadiens.
5. If injured, he gets full control of the goal horn.
4. One Million Dollar Bonus every time he defies all odds and makes us feel awesome inside.
3. No Lockout Clause? Worth a try....
2. A No Trade Clause for Erik Cole
1. Season tickets for life for Mike Obrand AKA Habs Laughs. 

Tweet Ten Excuses given by the Norwegian Referee in the Canada/USA Semi Final.

10. You think I'm going to piss off Obama?
9. I was told that I can't let Maple Leafs fans experience winning.
8. Someone needed to get that country off of their Vancouver 2010 high horse
7. I hate Justin Bieber
6. They told me they would let Norway win at something...
5. I spent the entire match watching Dressage on my iPhone.
4. I was promised a Disneyland in Oslo!
3. I am terrified of Abby Wambach
2. I am equally terrified of Hope Solo
1. I'm Norwegian, I just found out what Soccer was like 2 hours ago.

Tweet Ten Improvements to Olympic Events.

10. Blindfold Archery
9. Shark infested Water Polo
8. 400 Meter running of the bulls.
7. Buttered Pole Vault
6. Javelin catch
5. Slamball
4. Pommel actual horse
3. Quadrathalon: Swimming, Biking, Running,
2. Alcoholic beverage Table Tennis AKA Beer Pong
1. Lightsaber Fencing

Tweet Ten fake Rick Nash quotes spoken after his trade to New York

10. "Pinch me!"
9. "Pinch me again!"
8. "So this is what happiness feels like"
7. That's all you got for me?"
6. "So...can I win now?"
5. "Wisniewski wanted me to ask you if he can come too"
4."When you say I've been traded to New mean the Rangers right?"
3."I'd like to thank the fan in Columbus for his continuous support"
2."Please inform Team Canada that I will be unavailable for next year's World Hockey Championship"
1. "Yes I definitely do believe in God"

Tweet Ten Donald Fehr reactions to the NHL's CBA proposal.

10. I'll tell you when he stops laughing.
9. I need to write them back, are there one or two Ps in "Work Stoppage"?
8. Hey everyone! Come and see this hilarious fake CBA proposal Bettman just sent me!
 7. Why is this handwritten in crayon?
6. That's it. I'm changing our Facebook relationship status to "Complicated"
5. At least we see eye to eye on the "we both want more money" issue.
 4.It appears as though the NHL owners are all on crack
3. Are you Franzen kidding me?
2. Who taught this guy how to negotiate? Montreal Students?
1. I guess Bettman is as dumb as he looks. 

Tweet Ten Little known facts about the MLB Home Run Derby
10. The gold balls weren't actually gold.
9. The fans weren't booing Cano because because he's a Yankee...oh wait...yes they were.
8. One of Trumbo's bombs is still in orbit.
7. $615,500 was donated to a suspicious charity called "definitely not Bud Selig's bank account"
6. When asked about his 1 HR Matt Kemp said "I don't care I'm still really, really rich"
5. Everyone let Fielder win because they felt really bad about his haircut.
4. Chris Berman was covered in BBQ sauce the entire time.
3. The pitchers weren't really trying.
2. Jose Bautista lost on purpose because he is contracually obligated to deny Toronto fans to feel happy about anything.
1. All of the kids in the outfield actually belonged to Vladimir Guererro
Tweet Ten things Gary Bettman says to you after you get drafted.
10. Does this suit make me look fat?
9. Maple Leafs? Tough break man.
8. Thank you for not Lindrosing
7. How does it feel to know that you might be traded to Colmbus at any moment?
6. Whatever you do don't piss off Zdeno Chara.
5. Ever been to Kansas City? No? Well better get a map.
4. Can you kneel down when we take the picture?
3. Remember, 3 headshots MAX.
2. I own you
1. For the love of God take the cardboard out of the hat before you put it on!
Tweet Ten Reasons why Therrien was hired.

10. Youppi put in a good word.
9. He makes a delightful Sangria.
8. He promises to be the Anti-Therrien from a few years ago.
7. Bribe? What bribe?
6. They really enjoyed his "Don't play Gomez" strategy.
5.  He won "Canadiens Coaching Candidate's Got Talent"
4. The dart landed on his name.
3. Goes by Michel AND Mike win/gagner!
2. Has already got all of his losing out of the way.
1. Second time's a charm!

Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

10. If the ref had another eye he'd be a cyclops
9. Hey Fleury, switch to Geico, you'll save more.
8. Dear Quebec, please take the Coyotes, they suck.
7. I had no idea the Panthers existed until 2 weeks ago.
6. My jock has more cups than your entire team.
5. Seguin, I've seen better hands on a digital clock
4. Radulov and Kostitsyn walk into a bar...
3. Africa sees more ice than Ovechkin.
2. Coupons save more than the Flyers Goalies.
1. This sign has more words than a Tortorella press conference
Tweet Ten things said between Tortorella and DeBoer during their
screaming match last night.

10. Nice suit, did your mother pick out your shoes too?
9.  Don't feel bad, a lot of people suck at coaching.
8. I just want to make things awkward for Pierre McGuire and Glen Healy.
7. You're such a bad coach you make Ron Wilson look like Mike Babcock
6. You Mother Father!
5. How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
4. I think that you are a very nice person!
3. Do you believe in God considering what he did to your face?
2. You're such a Gauthier.
1. KovalCHUK YOU!

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.

10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your won shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?


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