Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Tweet Ten 7!

With the Phoenix Coyotes in town on Monday night Paul Bissonnette, a well known grinder on the Yotes, came to town and brought his awesome twitter account with him. He didn't tweet much while he was here...but I hear they don't allow phones in Chez Paree.

If you have twitter and don't follow so immediately.

He was a healthy scratch during the game and he needed to keep himself busy. Fortunately for this blog, I was at the game and witnessed everything he did to keep himself busy.

Tweet Ten things Paul Bissonnette AKA BizNasty2point0 did during the Habs game last night.

10. During the first period he challenged fellow healthy scratches Dustin Boyd and Ryan O’Byrne to a Hot Dog eating contest. He won.

9. Somehow managed to get into the Youppi suit for the third period, almost got the real guy fired when he cheered for the Coyotes second goal.

8. Snuck into the RDS broadcasting booth and gave Benoit Brunet ‘Bunny Ears’ during their 3 second TV spot.

7. Barged into Pierre Gauthier’s suite, pinned him up against the wall and demanded why they don’t serve poutine at the Bell Centre.

6. Realizing that they share a number he thought it would be funny if he crossed off Dickie Moore and Yvan Cournoyer’s names on their retirement banners and replaced them with his own. Nobody laughed.

5. Tried to hijack a Zamboni but then realized he didn't know how to drive stick.

4. As a practical joke he put Hockey tape on the bottom of Hal Gill’s skates. Jokes on him though as it made little to no difference.

3. Spray painted ‘Paul Was Here’ in every single bathroom stall.

2. Passed by Bob Gainey in the hallway then tweeted 17 times about it.

1. Kept asking reporters who ‘Gary’ is and why the fans keep chanting his name.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Who Wants To Be A First Liner-The Sequel

A while back I wrote a piece called 'Who Wants To Be A First Liner'.
It was about Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec holding an American Idol type competition to find a replacement for the third Andrei Kostitsyn. You can read the full piece here:

Now that Giomez is an established duo on the Habs Jacques Martin has been struggling to find a replacement. This of course inspired me to write up a sequel to my second blog post ever.


The scene opens in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room in the Bell Centre. The scene is eerily familiar, the dressing room is empty save for a table with two chairs behind it set up in the middle of the room. As you read this you probably think that you’ve read something like this before...well you have...this is its sequel.

A tall man with slicked back hair enters the room and stands in front of the table. He smiles and clears his through before speaking.

Joelle Bouchard: Bonjour! Hi ham Joelle Bouchard hand hi ham your ‘ost for dis evening!

Yes he said exactly that the first time around.

Joel Bouchard: Bienvenue au WHO WANTS TO BE A FIRST LINER!

That too.

Joel Bouchard: Part Deux!

Not that part though.

Joel Bouchard: Has you all know, Benoit Pouliot is Jacques Martin has left it up to Brian Gionta et Scott Gomez to ‘old hauditions for their left winger! The contestants will come in one by one et they will pitch their case has to why they should be a first liner!

Ét maintenant, Accueillons your judges pour ce soir....BRIAN GIONTA ET SCOTT GOMEZ!

The bridge from Coldplay’s fix you plays as Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez walk into the room and sit down at the table.

Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue judges, har you ready to choose your new winger?

Brian Gionta: Yes we are, send in the first one.

In walks Dustin Boyd.

Scott Gomez: Name please.

Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.

Brian Gionta: Welcome Justin!

Dustin Boyd:’s Dustin.

Brian Gionta: Right...Justin.

Dustin Boyd: No, Dustin, Duhh.

Brian Gionta: Right, Justin...Juhhh.

Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.

Brian Gionta: Justin Boyd.

Jus...Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN Boyd!

Brian Gionta: Let’s agree to disagree.

Scott Gomez: So Justin.

Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN!

Scott Gomez: Whatever. Why should you be our new line mate?

Dustin Boyd: Well ever since I was a young boy growing up in Winnipeg I always dreamed of being on the first line of an NHL team. I played with Iginla in Calgary...but that was like a revolving door and my parents, friends and coaches keep telling me that it doesn’t count. When I was on Nashville I got some good minutes but nothing like a first liner. Ever since I got traded for Sergei Kostysy-

Scott Gomez: Wait...You got traded for Sergei?

Dustin Boyd: Yeah me and Dan Ellis for Sergei.

Scott Gomez: Who’s Dan Ellis?

Brian Gionta: I have no idea. Is he the guy that invented Ellis Island?

Scott Gomez: Oh yeah...nice one!

Dustin Boyd: He’s a goalie...

Brian Gionta: Regardless of who he is...what you’re saying to us right now is that you are player that Pierre Gauthier got for Sergei Kostitsyn?

Dustin Boyd: Yes but..

Scott Gomez: Well Brian, you gotta think that that increases his chances immensely.

Brian Gionta: One would come to that conclusion yes.

Dustin Boyd: I have other-

Scott Gomez: It’s ok that’s all we need. We’ll let you know.

Brian Gionta: Thanks for coming in Justin.

Dustin Boyd: it’s’re welcome.

He exits the room.

Scott Gomez: You know his name is Dustin right.

Brian Gionta: Who’s Dustin?

In walks Tom Pyatt.

Scott Gomez: Umm hey we didn’t say ‘next.

Brian Gionta: Didn’t say ‘next’

Tom Pyatt: What? I’m already in here....

Brian Gionta: Yeah but we really have to say ‘next’ for the next contestant to be able to walk in.

Scott Gomez: Look we don’t care...but the network insists that we do it that way.

Tom Pyatt: What network?

Scott Gomez: Um, a little network called STFU, bitch! Now go outside, wait for us to say ‘next’ and then come in!

Pyatt leaves the room.

Scott Gomez: My god!

Brian Gionta: So unprofessional.

Scott Gomez: NEXT!

Tom Pyatt walks into the room.

Brian Gionta: Name please.

Tom Pyatt: Tom Pyatt.

Scott Gomez: Hey I know you...we were on the same flight together from JFK right?

Tom Pyatt: Yeah...we play-

Scott Gomez: No way!! Dude you need to tell me how ‘Analyze This’ ended I passed out halfway through...

Brian Gionta: Maybe later Scott...?

Scott Gomez: what were you doing on that flight? You play for the Habs now? So weird.

Tom Pyatt: We were involved in the same trade...we used to play on the Rangers together.

Scott Gomez:....really?

Tom Pyatt: used to call me “Pyatt Riot” because if kind of also put superglue on my sticks during games like 5 times.

Scott Gomez: That does sound like me.

Brian Gionta: I’m all for this lovely reunion, but I have tickets to see Jewel tonight and I am not missing it so can we get on with this?

Tom Pyatt: Well, There’s not much to say...I work hard, I have a nose for the net and I’m a really fast skater. I can go into the dirty areas and free up space in the offensive zone to open up passing lanes.

Brian Gionta: That sounds really cool but I have no idea what you’re talking about. You sound like Pierre McGuire.

Scott Gomez: Without the Russian accent.

Brian Gionta and Tom Pyatt stare at Scott Gomez.

Brian Gionta: Wha?—Actually...I’m not getting into that.

Tom Pyatt: I just think I would be a great fit with you guys.

Scott Gomez: Yeah well so would Jennifer Anniston but you don’t see her begging!

Brian Gionta: We’ll be in touch.

Tom Pyatt leaves the room.

Scott Gomez: NEXT!

In walks Guillaume Latendresse.

Brian Gionta: Umm...

Scott Gomez: ZOMBIE!

Brian Gionta: He’s not dead...we traded him.

Scott Gomez: Oh...Jesus that scared the crap out of me. I just thought he died because after he got traded it’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth.

Guillaume Latendresse: That’s why I’m here.

Brian Gionta: Go on...

Guillaume Latendresse: Hever since I got traded nobody cares about me. I scored over 25 goals after I left and nobody cares. They say Minnesota is a good Hockey state but when I go to T.G.I.Fridays nobody recognizes me! I miss Montréal! I miss being stopped every thirty seconds for an autograph! I miss being stopped every 15 seconds by a hooker who wants to have sex with me! I miss it! Please take me back! PLEASE!

Scott Gomez: I don’t think we have the power to do that.

Brian Gionta: We don’t, but I know who does.

Guillaume Latendresse: Who? Please tell me!

Brian Gionta: His name is Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.

Guillaume Latendresse: Awwww.

He leaves, dejected.

Scott Gomez: That’s an odd name.

Brian Gionta: You probably rank pretty high on the dumbest millionaires list eh?

Scott Gomez: 7 last time I checked.

Brian Gionta: NEXT!

Lars Eller walks into the room.

Brian Gionta: Well now....this is interesting.

Scott Gomez: Yeah...I never thought of him before.

Lars Eller: Hey guys.

Brian Gionta: Lars Eller.

Scott Gomez: Lars Eller.

Brian Gionta: Good passer, young kid.

Scott Gomez: Rookie...could mirror my Calder year if he plays with us.

Brian Gionta: Big body, could make it easier for us out there.

Scott Gomez: Plus he looks like an I look super hot by comparison.

Brian Gionta: I think this could work...Lars what do you think?

Lars Eller: Well you know...I’m Danish...not a lot of good Hockey players come from Denmark so this would be a great opportunity for me. It would also prove to the fans and the media that they got something good for Halak.

Brian Gionta: Right...right...

Scott Gomez: Are you saying you brought Danish? If so you should share with everyone.

Lars Eller:...I....

Just then someone bashes down the door from the outside, it falls completely off its hinges.

Jacques Martin: That was way easier than I thought it would be.

Brian Gionta: What’s going on here, we’re filming a TV show!

Jacques Martin: I don’t see any cameras Brian! This interview is over!

Scott Gomez: Hot damn...there are no cameras! We’ve been hosed!

Martin grabs Eller by the wrist and begins to drag him out of the room.

Brian Gionta: What are you doing? He’d be a perfect fit!

Jacques Martin: You leave the coaching to me Brian, I don’t come to where you work and tell you what to do.

Brian Gionta: Actually that’s all you do.

Jacques Martin: Shut up! Eller is not playing on the first line! You’re playing with Pouliot, or whoever’s name I pull out of the hat next ok!?

Scott Gomez: That makes little to no sense but I’m going to go with it because you’re wearing a suit and that impresses me.

Jacques Martin leaves the room with Eller in tow.

Brian Gionta: Well, that’s it...I guess we’ll keep playing with the plugers.

Scott Gomez: Goodbye Everybody!

Brian Gionta: Who are you talking to?

Scott Gomez: I don’t know Brian...I don’t know.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tweet Ten 6!

This weeks Tweet Ten is so topical it's practically that 'Head On' stuff with those really annoying commercials.

If you don't know what this topic the following link:

Now that you've stopped laughing...start laughing again.

Tween Ten Reasons the Islanders Hate the Habs.

10. They’re still bitter about the fact that Louis Leblanc got more fan and media attention than John Tavares did at the ‘09 Draft.

9. They hate not being able to turn right on a red light.

8. Lars Eller is a better Dane than Frans Nielsen and the Islanders know it.

7. They’re incredibly jealous that they have to wait over 50 years to throw a Centennial Celebration.

6. They’re still waiting for something more than a fruit basket from Mike Cammalleri for slashing Nino Niedereiter.

5. All Mike Bossy, who is from Montreal, ever did for them was win 4 cups in a row. They resent him till this day.

4. Every time Charles Wang calls the Habs office and identifies himself whoever answers the phone laughs for ten minutes.

3. Pierre Gauthier still hasn’t accepted Garth Snow’s friend request on Facebook.

2. They were totally about to sign Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta.

1. All Mark Streit talks about is how better the food, nightlife, women and quality of living was back in Montreal.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Comparing the Montreal Canadiens and the Tampa Bay Lightning

Well...the Habs home opener is here and I personally think that out of 29 teams they are playing against the worst possible team.

Tampa is rejuvenated. New GM, new coach, new Dominc Moore…they have it all!

A lot of people have been calling the Bolts the “Habs South”, I think that’s ridiculous. While there are a few similarities I have compared the two teams and have found that they are complete opposites.

Enjoy the home opener!

Comparing the Habs and the Bolts:

One Team: Has a French Canadian superstar on a level of his own. He is face of the franchise and has carried the team on his back for years.
The Other Team: Has Vincent Lecavalier.

One Team: Sells out every home game, no matter the opponent.
The Other Team: Sells out every home game they play against the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs.

One Team: Finished at the bottom of the NHL several times and drafted key players to stabilize the future of their organization.
The Other Team: Did the same thing, but drafted Andrei Kostitsyn.

One Team: Has a fanbase that follows their team microscopically.
The Other Team: Has a fanbase that is microscopic.

One Team: Has a state of the art training facility that caters to any and every need that the players might have.
The Other Team: Has Guy Boucher, and that’s all they need.

One Team: Has a new GM that acquired Dan Ellis.
The Other Team: Has a new GM that acquired Dan Ellis.

One Team: Has enough star French Canadiens to field a top line.
The Other Team: Is really super jealous.

One Team: Benefits from intense media attention so fans know everything that is going on behind the scenes.
The Other Team: Benefits from having no media attention at all which is a good thing because they’ve been pretty bad the past few years.

One Team: Has a goalie that is under heavy scrutiny from his entire media and fanbase…but don’t worry, he can take it.
The Other Team: Has a goalie that had twitter but for some reason doesn’t have it anymore.

One Team: Has a young purebred defenseman with size, skill and intensity.
The Other Team: Has the same thing…but he’s better by default because he plays in Montreal.

One Team: Drafted Roman Hamrlik 1st overall, who is facing his former team.
The Other Team: Traded a 2nd Round pick for Dominic Moore, who is facing his former team.

One Team: Uses the phrase “All In” as their team’s motto.
The Other Team: Thinks that the slogan is really ironic considering who their head coach used to be.

One Team: Has a rookie NHL coach, but he knows his shit.
The Other Team: Has a veteran NHL coach, he’s shit.

One Team: Had a tough guy but he left via free agency.
The Other Team: Had a tough guy but he is currently a Figure Skater.

Tweet Ten 5!

In case you missed it, here is last night's Tweet Ten!

Tweet Ten signs you don’t play in a Hockey market.

10. Eklund keeps saying that your team’s fans are among the best in the league and are incredibly underrated.

9. You look forward to playing in Columbus because their fans are so awesome.

8. You make the playoffs, but the Diamondbacks spring training gets a bigger turnout.

7. You play golf during the regular season

6. Your fans have never seen snow and are skeptical if it even exists at all.

5. Your arena sells out for a Justin Bieber concert in 5 minutes but your home games barely draw 5,000 people.

4. Your 3rd line center marrying a country music star is bigger news than your team’s
blockbuster trade at the deadline.

3. Gary Bettman does everything in his power to make sure your franchise never moves.

2. The draft is in your city this year, but for some reason people show up wearing
Army Fatigues.

1. Your home opener is the Buccaneers half time show.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tweet Ten 4!

Dedicated to Mike Cammalleri and probably Colby Armstrong, Mike Komisarek, Dion Phaneuf and the charmer Colton Orr.

Tweet Ten signs you’re getting suspended

10. Sean Avery calls you to congratulate you on the awesome hit you delivered during your game.

9. The rookie you just slashed is the Commissioner’s nephew.

8. Your team just made an emergency call-up, but your coach won’t tell you what the emergency is.

7. Every fan of the team you play for insists that you’re not getting suspended.

6. You accidentally brushed by Sidney Crosby during your last shift.

5. You and your team were involved in a bench clearing brawl, but you weren’t dressed for the game.

4. Brian Burke called you ‘Truculent’ in a post-game interview.

3. After a hit, Habs fans stopped booing Carey Price and started booing you.

2. It’s October, but reporters keep asking you how you think you’ll be able to help in the team’s playoff run.

1. You just came to in the penalty box. You don’t remember how you got there but for some reason the opposing team’s mascot is giving you the finger.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Season Preview

Well the season is starting two days and what would any respectable Habs blog be without a season preview? I know my blog is not respectable, but let's pretend for the sake of appearances....also my In-Laws are coming in from out of town and I need to look good.

Experts are predicting a high and low season for the Habs. The general consensus is that we will finish in 8th place.

I beg to differ.

I think we'll finish anywhere between 6th and 8th.


We have an interesting roster with a lot of 'ifs'. Here is my expert roster breakdown previewing several key players for the 2010-2011 season.

Season Preview

Benoit Pouliot

The Good: He will always be viewed as a better player than Latendresse.
The Bad: He’s not better than Latendresse.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will change his last name because he hates being called a chicken.

Andrei Kostitsyn

The Good: With his brother gone he doesn’t have to split the cut from the mob anymore.
The Bad: Not a good thing when your IQ is the same as your jersey number.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will have a ‘Burrows’ season and rack up the points because he’s playing next to Cammalleri and Plekanec.

Mike Cammalleri

The Good: Is a pretty level headed guy; doesn’t let rookies get to him.
The Bad: Hates ankles.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will not score against the Toronto Maple Leafs until November 20th.

Andrei Markov

The Good: Became a Canadian citizen over the summer.
The Bad: His eyes are closed in his passport picture.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will be one of the NHL’s best defensemen according to the experts, but will not get a Norris nomination for the 9th consecutive year.

Carey Price

The Good:
Ready to do whatever it takes to prove the experts and fans wrong.
The Bad: Crippling fear of small rubber disks.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Vezina Trophy.

Jaroslav Spacek

The Good: Started taking baby Aspirin to help prevent Heart Attacks.
The Bad: It’s really hard to skate with ‘Depends’ on.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: By the end of the season, his visor will cover his entire face. He’ll never wear a cage though…that’s for pussies.

Alex Auld

The Good: Media and fanbase have zero expectations for him coming into this season.
The Bad: He’s terrible.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will start against the New York Islanders at least once.

Brian Gionta

The Good:
Fancy new C on his jersey.
The Bad: Will probably have to play with Pouliot for the majority of the season.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will miss all the games at the ACC because Brian Burke just implemented a ‘you must be *THIS* tall to play against us’ rule.

Scott Gomez

The Good: Rich as hell.
The Bad: Will probably have to play with Pouliot for the majority of the season.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will quit Hockey and become Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012.

Lars Eller

The Good:
Will get top 6 minutes as a result of management trying to justify the
Halak trade.
The Bad: Kind of Albino looking. A bit creepy.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will get traded in 2 years. Will score 40 goals for his new team. Probably Tampa.

Maxim Lapierre

The Good:
Nowhere to go but up after last season.
The Bad: Will probably go down.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will score one nice goal every 20 games.

Josh Gorges

The Good:
Living proof that Bob Gainey made at least one good trade.
The Bad: His contract with the Devil only covers two more pucks to the head with no consequence.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will be the first person ever to talk the ref out of giving him a penalty.

Hal Gill

The Good: Won over the Fans after showing how useful he can be during the playoffs.
The Bad: Upset at the fact that he was never able to do that before when he played for Toronto.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will have the opportunity to hit someone, but won’t.

Ryan O’Byrne

The Good: Over 82 games without scoring on his own net!
The Bad: He spent 73 of those 82 games in the press box.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will get traded for a shorter, older defenseman.

Tomas Plekanec

The Good:
Is probably the Habs best all-around player.
The Bad: Is probably the Habs best all-around player.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will probably get hit by a bus. Habs fans have no luck.

P.K. Subban

The Good: Has it all, a star in the making.
The Bad: Racism:
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Calder, Norris, Hart trophies. In my NHL 11 dynasty.