Thursday, December 16, 2010

Winter Break

Habs Laughs is taking a little break for the Holiday period. Blogs and Tweet Tens will be back in the middle of January. Thanks for visiting!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tweet Ten 14

Tweet Ten Montreal Canadiens New Years Resolutions.

10. I, Travis Moen resolve to stop pretending I’m a top 6 forward.

9. I, Jacques Martin resolve to base my coaching decisions by what I read on Twitter.

8. I, Scott Gomez resolve to stop sending love letters to Brian Gionta.

7. I, Brian Gionta resolve to finall find out who is stalking me.

6. I, Dustin Boyd resolve to only get waived ONCE in the 2011 calendar year.

5. I, Tomas Plekanec resolve to stop getting hickies because I secretly hate turtle necks.

4. I, Andrei Kostitsyn…don’t understand the question.

3. I, Kirk Muller resolve to listen to at least 25% of what Jacqes Martin says.

2. I, Jaroslav Spacek resolve to stop sounding like the Speak N Spell from hell.

1. I, P.K. Subban resolve to be a good wittle boy.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tweet Ten 13!

Tweet Ten PK Subban press box thoughts.

10. playing the goal horn right when the ref is announcing a penalty is awesome.

9. Why is it frowned upon to order Queue De Cheval to the press box? I said I would share.

8. I really need to bring in some extra security for the next game. I am flat out scared of Youppi.

7. The U2 goal song is ok, but I wonder if there is a song that every single fan loves that they used to use but don’t use anymore for unexplainable reasons.

6. The players look like ants from up here, Hal Gill looks like a larger ant.

5. I wonder if people would notice if I put on Weber’s jersey and just pretended to be him all night?

4. I have found enough physical evidence to suggest that Dustin Boyd has formed some kind of permanent residence up here.

3. It’s incredibly hard to become the Pom fan of the game. It’s all politics.

2. I truly believe that I can be a better centerman than Scott Gomez.

1. Do I get free wings if the Habs score 5 goals?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Scott Gomez: Pros and Cons

It has been statistically proven that Gomez struggles through the months of October and November (look it up yourselves) so here I am, in the beginning of December…hoping for a Scott Gomez resurrection.

Kind of like Jesus.

The Habs traded for Gomez and some will argue that without him we wouldn’t have nabbed Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta, but I think I can think of 6 and 5 million reasons respectively to counter that argument. (Money)

I sound way too much like a real blogger. Let’s get to the jokes.

Scott Gomez: Pros and Cons

Pro: He won the Calder Trophy.

Con: He also won the Scott Gomez Trophy (four years running), which is awarded annually to the person with the worst points to salary ratio.


Pro: He has won two Stanley Cups, which is more than anyone else on the Canadiens.

Con: How many cups can you win in a single career if your last name isn’t Gretzky?


Pro: Is great mentor for young players.

Con: Max Pacioretty really looks up to him.


Pro: is one of the best in the league at weaving his way through the neutral zone.

Con: That’s about it.


Pro: Can afford to give everyone at the Bell Centre around $376 once a year.

Con: He won’t.


Pro: Hi nickname is G-Love. That’s pretty cool.

Con: The ‘G’ stands for Gonorrhea.


Pro: He’s a locker room leader.

Con: By leader, I mean cancer.


Pro: He is a part of the ‘Leadership Team’ on the Montreal Canadiens.

Con: He’s only on it because he threatened to stop paying for team dinners if he was excluded.


Pro: Loves Montreal, never wants to leave.

Con: Loves Montreal, never wants to leave.


Pro: Decided to wear number 11 for the first time since his junior years.

Con: Saku Koivu unfriended him on Facebook.


Pro: Uses his elite playmaking abilities to set up linemates that lead to beautiful goals.

Con: In NHL 11.


Pro: Loves playing with Habs players like Tomas Plekanec, Mike Cammalleri, and Brian Gionta despite them having to work a little harder due to his recent struggles.

Con: Can’t take a hint…


Pro: Tries every night, unlike Alex Kovalev.

Con: Is not as good as Alex Kovalev, even when giving it 110%


Pro: Has established himself as Jacques Martin’s number 2 center.

Con: Only because Tomas Plekanec gets tired every once in a while.


Pro: Doesn’t have to worry about being traded due to his enormous cap hit.

Con: He thought that in New York too…


Pro: Lars Eller is a good guy who knows he has to pay his dues before playing more minutes with more talented players.

Con: At least that’s what he tells himself every night before bedtime.

Tweet Ten 12!

Tweet Ten reasons why everyone hates P.K. Subban.

10. When he was drafted he put his hat on before his jersey.

9. He gives ‘Wet Willies’ during scrums.

8. Everyone thinks Campbell's e-mails are about him.

7. Does that really annoying thing called ‘plays better than you’.

6. All he does while trash talking is quote Family Guy.

5. His ‘spinarama’ makes other players look like they’re in pee-wee.

4. He calls Eklund every day and tells him that he heard that random players were getting traded.

3. Every time he records a point he tells you that he has himself on his own Fantasy Team.

2. He keeps telling everyone that the number on the back of his jersey is the amount of times he has slept with their mother.

1. They’re scared of what would happen to them if they were to disagree with Mike Richards.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tweet Ten 11-Special Edition!

In honor of the Montreal Alouettes making and competing in the Grey Cup this Sunday against the Saskatchewan Roughriders I thought I would shake things up a bit for this week's Tweet Ten. It's a special CFL edition, hope you enjoy!

Tweet Ten signs you’re playing in the Grey Cup and not in the Superbowl.

10. You follow your blockers on your kick-off return and pass the 50 yard line twice.

9. It’s snowing.

8. Americans have never heard of the band playing the half-time show.

7. You try to give your coach a Gatorade shower but its -20 outside and you end up crushing him with a block of Gatorade ice.

6. The new Tim Horton’s Touchdown Turnover commercial just can’t compare to anything that GoDaddy can come up with.

5. Anthony Calvillo was named the game’s MVP and the game hasn’t even started yet.

4. The flags are Orange. That’s just weird.

3. It’s 1-0 after the first quarter.

2. Cleo Lemon isn’t playing in the Grey Cup either.

1. Chances are every player on your team has played for the opposing team at some point in their career.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tweet Ten 10!

Tweet Ten Andrei Markov alternatives

10. Find out what scientist the Sabres used to build Tyler Myers and have him build one for us.

9. Somehow combine Yannick Weber, Alex Picard, Alex Henry and Mathieu Carle into one person.

8. Look up Marc Andre Bergeron’s number so they know which numbers not to push when using the phone.

7. Trade for O’Byrne. I’m sure we have some 18 year old prospect to give up somewhere.

6. If they could ‘rebuild’ the 6 Million Dollar Man because ‘they had the technology’ then why can’t we do it too?

5. Call up Carolina and commission Eric Staal to play for us until Markov gets healthy. He owes us.

4. Just dress 5 defensemen, Carey Price will bail us out of it somehow.

3. Clone P.K. Subban. Actually they should have done that at the beginning of the season.

2. Get Pierre Gauthier in equipment. It’s high time he started earning his pay.

1. Get one of those Deloreans, crank it to 88 and try to prevent this whole thing from ever happening.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Things Carey Price Has Learned While Playing 15 Out Of 16 Games

A lot can change from season to season eh?

I’m not going to go over what the Habs have done in the past 5-6 months to get to where they are now…but the major aspect that has re-tooled this team was the Jaroslav Halak trade.

The subject has been beat to death, but the way I see it is…while we lost Jaroslav Halak, we gained Ian Schultz, Lars Eller, Tomas Plekanec…and of course the renewed and refreshed Carey Price.

He pretty much had a year off last season so maybe that’s why he’s so well rested these days. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go with ‘confidence and natural talent’ as the reasons that he’s carrying a good chunk of this Hockey team.

Last season I did a piece that went over the ‘Things Carey Price has Learned/Noticed While Riding The Bench. You can find it here :

Now that he’s dominating crease time, I think it’s only fair to revisit the subject from the opposite point of view.

Here are the Things Carey Price Has Learned/Noticed While Playing 15 Out Of 16 Games.

-Josh Gorges has a great ass. Hal Gill needs to tighten his up a bit.

-Whenever someone scores on me a big red light goes on. It’s like God is letting everyone know that I messed up.

-The pre-game intro really puts a damper on the fact that we’re trying to NOT tell everyone that we’re superheroes.

-When you look at him from 200 feet away, Zdeno Chara kind of looks like a human being and not like 3 people standing on top of each other...who is also ugly as hell.

-TV time outs are a great time to vote for myself for first star!

-You can easily substitute your water for any clear liquid and everyone will still think its water! I drank Diet Cream Soda against the Canucks and Miso Soup against the Hurricanes!

-There’s a dude with season tickets who sits right behind the net that looks exactly like my Dentist….that would explain the ‘Carey I’m your Dentist’ sign he keeps bringing.

-Between whistles I always think of witty things to say that are coincidentally 140 characters or less. I wish there was a free forum in which to express these thoughts to the world.

-What happened to the Hostess from 2 years ago? She was awesome. What job is better than hosting 2 minute long game shows for mediocre prizes? Also, why can’t they just hire a full time host? It’s never the same person twice. The fans need consistency.

-That ‘crush your head’ thing from Kids In The Hall pisses the crap out of opposing team’s goalies.

-I don’t understand why the fans chant ‘REY-CA’ whenever I do something positive.

-Halak carved his name on the inside of the right post. With some editing it now reads ‘Boom ShaHalaka’.

-Contrary to what everyone says about me, P.K. Subban is as close to Jesus as the Habs are going to get.

-Jeff Halpern looks exactly like Mike Komisarek.

-What happened to the young Travis Moen and Tommy Pyatt from the pre-game video? They were totally awesome then…

-The PhD line has a degree from McGill, Princeton, and a 4th overall draft pick on it. I wonder if McGill and Princeton regret taking Darche and Halpern too.

-On slow nights I like to play ‘The Social Network’ in my head but I sub myself in for the Winklevoss twins. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there were two of me?

-You don’t even know how bad Josh Gorges wants in on me and P.K’s post win handshake.

-I let the Lightning win in OT. We got a point out of it and it gave Guy Boucher some solace in the fact that he has to hang out with Dan Ellis every day.

-Remember that game I invented with Lapierre and Haiti? Well I invented a new one: Every time the fans don’t boo me I devote another year to the Canadiens franchise. Right now I’m locked up until 2026.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tweet Ten 9!

Tweet Ten Scott Gomez excuses.

10. They don’t pay me enough to try.

9. Gionta, Pouliot, Moen, Pyatt, Eller, Lapierre, Darche and Halpern are all bringing me down.

8. I won the Calder Trophy and a Stanley cup in my rookie year…I think I’ve deserved a few years off!

7. I’ve been up late reading Sarah Palin’s book for the 7th time. She’s my idol.

6. I’m pretty sure Saku Koivu cursed the number 11.

5. I’m still devastated that I can’t see Russia from my house anymore.

4. I know that the fans loved Kovalev, I’m just doing what he did.

3. I only play well against teams with other Alaskans on them.

2. I always have a terrible October and November, I’m just keeping up with tradition.

1. I have a bet with P.K. Subban; no matter how bad I play no GM is going to be willing to trade for my contract…again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Habs Sing

Narrator: We’re sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, we will return you to *insert sitcom/drama/comedy/Hockey Game/Leafs Game/witty political comedy show here* in just a moment but we just wanted to take the time to extend this INCREDIBLE OFFER to you!

Have you ever wondered to yourself ‘Man, I wish I had a CD with songs sung by my favorite Hockey team’? If your answer was yes then HAVE WE GOT THE OFFER FOR YOU! If your answer was no then I would seriously consider watching this infomercial and giving us your money anyways!

The Bell and Molson corporations have teamed up to create: ‘The Habs Sing’, a bona-fide cornucopia of songs sung by your favorite Montreal Canadiens!

In this 3 disc set you get a mélange of 62 songs sung by your heroes who wear the Bleu Blanc et Rouge!

Like altered lyrics? This CD set is full of them! Order now, before even hearing any of the songs to get your hands on this once in a lifetime collection!

Have you ordered? GREAT! Now here’s a sample of what you’ve just purchased while you wait the 6-8 months it takes for the set to arrive at your house due to the shoddy and unprofessional delivery service we hired to save money!

Like Disco? We don’t either…but who can resist boogie-ing down to this fiiine interpretation of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will Survive’ sung by third liner (at best) pest Maxime Lapierre!

Maxime Lapierre:

First Hi was hafraid, Hi was petrified,
Kept thinking Hi could never live without Gui by my side,
But then I spend so many nights with the new frenchy Mathieu Darche,
Hand hi grew strong, Hi convinced them Hi belong,
But Hi do not, I dive for fun,
Hand hi ham the biggest rat out of hanyone,
You should have traded me like Gui but Hi know I that Hi Ham good for on thiiiiing,
And that’s not fightiiiiing, not fightiiiiiiiiiiiing HEY HEY!

Narrator: Classic, what a voice on that kid.

Let me ask you something, what comes to mind when I say the words Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches? If you thought the same as me and two bunnies wrestling came to mind then I would seriously think about consulting a Psychiatrist. If you’ve read these pre-approved cue cards that are right in front of me then it should remind you of Elvis! You know who loves Elvis? Mike Cammalleri, here’s good ole Mike singing and interpretation of his favorite Elvis tune ‘Hound Dog’!

Mike Cammalleri:

You ain’t nothin but a roo-kieee,
Cryin’ all the time.
You ain’t nothin’ but a rooo-kieeee,
Cryin’ all the time.
Welllll you can’t take a slash and your name is hard to rhyme.

Narrator: Oh baby that was something! You know, one of my favorite styles of music is rap. No, seriously! Coincidentally, Hal Gill loves rap too! Check him out in his interpretation of Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’

Hal Gill:

You betta LOSE YOURSELF in the D-zone, the for-ward is comin and he’s way better than you!
You only got one shot! Do not miss your awkward lunge or else he will use you like a pylon YOU BETTA!

Narrator: I am down with that! I know what you’re thinking: ‘Where is the Country song on this album?’ Yes, I am a mind reader, don’t tell the government! Your wait for a Country song is over as Country fanatic Carey Price takes his hand at Johnny Cash’s classic ‘Ring Of Fire’

Carey Price:

My 5 hole was as big as a tire’s, many lost faith in me even Pierre Mcguire,
But it was Halaaaaak that got fired, that got fired.


Hoooo doggy!! Now, how much would you think we would charge for such a cd set? $500? Wow…that’s pretty close! We can offer you this incredible collection for the very high price of $250 plus shipping handling and purchase fee of $200. What a bargain! Call now and receive the bonus of receiving it sooner than you would have had you called later! What a deal!

What’s that you say? You want more?


Here is Andrei Kostitsyn singing a song about butts by those dudes from the 90s!

Andrei Kostitsyn:

I like bieg Butt, cannot lie.
Where is money?

Narrator: And here is P.K. Subban singing the Backstreet Boys!

P.K. Subban:

I don't care who you are,
Where you're from,
What you did,
As long as you love meeee

Narrator: The kid’s got moxie! Didn't change a single word!

Don’t touch that dial, because you don’t want to miss the next snippet from our incredible collection, Roman Hamrlik singing MC Hammer! Get it?

Roman Hamrlik:

Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do

It’s times like these when I wish I had a tradeable contract.

Narrator: I’m sure you’re not alone Roman!

Had enough? Too bad because we still have more time to kill in our commercial spot! Have fun listening to the incomparable duo of Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta sing another classic Duo’s hit; Sonny and Cher’s ‘I Got You Babe’

Brian Gionta: They say I’m short, but when you’re around, I play like a giant the fans they just can’t frown.
Scott Gomez: I’m from Alaska, I know that’s weird but when I’m with you I barely have any fearrrrs.
Together: Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..
Brian Gionta: We played in Jersey and we won a cup, but the following year you left me because you cleaned up.
Scott Gomez: Oh yea that’s true I am a wealthy man, but don’t be afraid I’m still your number one fan.
Together: Babe….I got you babe…I got you Babe….I got youuuuu Baaaaaaabe.

Narrator: Charming. Charming. We know the Holidays are right around the corner so we made sure to include some of your favorite Holiday classics! Here is Tomas Plekanec singing the famous Christmas song; Jingle Bells!

Tomas Plekanec:

I was a little girl,
But now I am a man,
I have a big new contract,
That was the master plan,
I can play Hockey,
Really really well,
Annnnd that is why,
Halak said farewell!
OHHHH Turtle-necks Turtle-necks are what I like to wear,
Oh what fun it is to play for a man with terrible haaaiiiirrr!
Turtle-necks Turtle-necks they look so good on me,
I hope that we win a Stanley cup or I want out; just like Gui!

Narrator: So touching…don’t think we forgot about youl Jewish viewers, here is real life Jew Jeff Halpern singing the classic Hanukkah song; Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel!

Jeff Halpern:

I guess that you can sayyyy, that I’m a journeyman,
But have you seen my face-offfffs? You’ll be my biggest fan!
Ohhh Face-offs Face-offs Face-offs I’m the best and I ain’t lyin.
And just because I’m Jewish I don’t know your cousin Chaim.

Narrator: And How!

Well friends, that’s all we have time for here in this paid advertisement. If you want to order this CD call the number on your screen or visit our website

Note: Not an actual website, it just looks cool!

Call now!




Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tweet Ten 8!

I know the Blog has become dominated by the Tweet Tens...but I'll have a d new post up tomorrow night.

Tweet Ten Habs November Predictions.

10. Lars Eller will score his first goal as a Hab but it will get waived off because apparently you can’t pick up the puck and throw it in the net.

9. P.K. Subban will also score his first goal as a hab, against the Leafs, in overtime…P.K. is that legit.

8. 60% of Montrealers will shave their heads due to a new Habs marketing campaign asking fans “Are you as bald as Auld?”

7. Pierre Gauthier will go crazy after finding out that Anaheim would not accept the Andrei Kostitsyn for Ryan Getzlaf deal he proposed when it worked perfectly for him when he was playing NHL 11 last night.

6. Mike Cammalleri will get suspended for accidentally punching an opponent in the face during his routine fist pump goal celebration.

5. When the Predators come to Montreal, the Kostitsyn brothers will switch teams and wait for someone to notice their hilarious prank. Nobody will.

4. Daniel Carcillo will make the Refs invent a new penalty when he plays the Habs on the 16th because as far as they can remember nobody has ever tried to pull out somebody’s teeth during play.

3. After weeks of torment, Dustin Boyd will finally legally change his name to Justin.

2. Carey Price will score a goal, probably on Martin Brodeur and the Habs don’t even play the Devils.

1. Bell will release a new app for the Backberry and IPhone, fans will be able to vote for Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez’s left winger.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Tweet Ten 7!

With the Phoenix Coyotes in town on Monday night Paul Bissonnette, a well known grinder on the Yotes, came to town and brought his awesome twitter account with him. He didn't tweet much while he was here...but I hear they don't allow phones in Chez Paree.

If you have twitter and don't follow so immediately.

He was a healthy scratch during the game and he needed to keep himself busy. Fortunately for this blog, I was at the game and witnessed everything he did to keep himself busy.

Tweet Ten things Paul Bissonnette AKA BizNasty2point0 did during the Habs game last night.

10. During the first period he challenged fellow healthy scratches Dustin Boyd and Ryan O’Byrne to a Hot Dog eating contest. He won.

9. Somehow managed to get into the Youppi suit for the third period, almost got the real guy fired when he cheered for the Coyotes second goal.

8. Snuck into the RDS broadcasting booth and gave Benoit Brunet ‘Bunny Ears’ during their 3 second TV spot.

7. Barged into Pierre Gauthier’s suite, pinned him up against the wall and demanded why they don’t serve poutine at the Bell Centre.

6. Realizing that they share a number he thought it would be funny if he crossed off Dickie Moore and Yvan Cournoyer’s names on their retirement banners and replaced them with his own. Nobody laughed.

5. Tried to hijack a Zamboni but then realized he didn't know how to drive stick.

4. As a practical joke he put Hockey tape on the bottom of Hal Gill’s skates. Jokes on him though as it made little to no difference.

3. Spray painted ‘Paul Was Here’ in every single bathroom stall.

2. Passed by Bob Gainey in the hallway then tweeted 17 times about it.

1. Kept asking reporters who ‘Gary’ is and why the fans keep chanting his name.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Who Wants To Be A First Liner-The Sequel

A while back I wrote a piece called 'Who Wants To Be A First Liner'.
It was about Mike Cammalleri and Tomas Plekanec holding an American Idol type competition to find a replacement for the third Andrei Kostitsyn. You can read the full piece here:

Now that Giomez is an established duo on the Habs Jacques Martin has been struggling to find a replacement. This of course inspired me to write up a sequel to my second blog post ever.


The scene opens in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room in the Bell Centre. The scene is eerily familiar, the dressing room is empty save for a table with two chairs behind it set up in the middle of the room. As you read this you probably think that you’ve read something like this before...well you have...this is its sequel.

A tall man with slicked back hair enters the room and stands in front of the table. He smiles and clears his through before speaking.

Joelle Bouchard: Bonjour! Hi ham Joelle Bouchard hand hi ham your ‘ost for dis evening!

Yes he said exactly that the first time around.

Joel Bouchard: Bienvenue au WHO WANTS TO BE A FIRST LINER!

That too.

Joel Bouchard: Part Deux!

Not that part though.

Joel Bouchard: Has you all know, Benoit Pouliot is Jacques Martin has left it up to Brian Gionta et Scott Gomez to ‘old hauditions for their left winger! The contestants will come in one by one et they will pitch their case has to why they should be a first liner!

Ét maintenant, Accueillons your judges pour ce soir....BRIAN GIONTA ET SCOTT GOMEZ!

The bridge from Coldplay’s fix you plays as Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez walk into the room and sit down at the table.

Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue judges, har you ready to choose your new winger?

Brian Gionta: Yes we are, send in the first one.

In walks Dustin Boyd.

Scott Gomez: Name please.

Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.

Brian Gionta: Welcome Justin!

Dustin Boyd:’s Dustin.

Brian Gionta: Right...Justin.

Dustin Boyd: No, Dustin, Duhh.

Brian Gionta: Right, Justin...Juhhh.

Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.

Brian Gionta: Justin Boyd.

Jus...Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN Boyd!

Brian Gionta: Let’s agree to disagree.

Scott Gomez: So Justin.

Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN!

Scott Gomez: Whatever. Why should you be our new line mate?

Dustin Boyd: Well ever since I was a young boy growing up in Winnipeg I always dreamed of being on the first line of an NHL team. I played with Iginla in Calgary...but that was like a revolving door and my parents, friends and coaches keep telling me that it doesn’t count. When I was on Nashville I got some good minutes but nothing like a first liner. Ever since I got traded for Sergei Kostysy-

Scott Gomez: Wait...You got traded for Sergei?

Dustin Boyd: Yeah me and Dan Ellis for Sergei.

Scott Gomez: Who’s Dan Ellis?

Brian Gionta: I have no idea. Is he the guy that invented Ellis Island?

Scott Gomez: Oh yeah...nice one!

Dustin Boyd: He’s a goalie...

Brian Gionta: Regardless of who he is...what you’re saying to us right now is that you are player that Pierre Gauthier got for Sergei Kostitsyn?

Dustin Boyd: Yes but..

Scott Gomez: Well Brian, you gotta think that that increases his chances immensely.

Brian Gionta: One would come to that conclusion yes.

Dustin Boyd: I have other-

Scott Gomez: It’s ok that’s all we need. We’ll let you know.

Brian Gionta: Thanks for coming in Justin.

Dustin Boyd: it’s’re welcome.

He exits the room.

Scott Gomez: You know his name is Dustin right.

Brian Gionta: Who’s Dustin?

In walks Tom Pyatt.

Scott Gomez: Umm hey we didn’t say ‘next.

Brian Gionta: Didn’t say ‘next’

Tom Pyatt: What? I’m already in here....

Brian Gionta: Yeah but we really have to say ‘next’ for the next contestant to be able to walk in.

Scott Gomez: Look we don’t care...but the network insists that we do it that way.

Tom Pyatt: What network?

Scott Gomez: Um, a little network called STFU, bitch! Now go outside, wait for us to say ‘next’ and then come in!

Pyatt leaves the room.

Scott Gomez: My god!

Brian Gionta: So unprofessional.

Scott Gomez: NEXT!

Tom Pyatt walks into the room.

Brian Gionta: Name please.

Tom Pyatt: Tom Pyatt.

Scott Gomez: Hey I know you...we were on the same flight together from JFK right?

Tom Pyatt: Yeah...we play-

Scott Gomez: No way!! Dude you need to tell me how ‘Analyze This’ ended I passed out halfway through...

Brian Gionta: Maybe later Scott...?

Scott Gomez: what were you doing on that flight? You play for the Habs now? So weird.

Tom Pyatt: We were involved in the same trade...we used to play on the Rangers together.

Scott Gomez:....really?

Tom Pyatt: used to call me “Pyatt Riot” because if kind of also put superglue on my sticks during games like 5 times.

Scott Gomez: That does sound like me.

Brian Gionta: I’m all for this lovely reunion, but I have tickets to see Jewel tonight and I am not missing it so can we get on with this?

Tom Pyatt: Well, There’s not much to say...I work hard, I have a nose for the net and I’m a really fast skater. I can go into the dirty areas and free up space in the offensive zone to open up passing lanes.

Brian Gionta: That sounds really cool but I have no idea what you’re talking about. You sound like Pierre McGuire.

Scott Gomez: Without the Russian accent.

Brian Gionta and Tom Pyatt stare at Scott Gomez.

Brian Gionta: Wha?—Actually...I’m not getting into that.

Tom Pyatt: I just think I would be a great fit with you guys.

Scott Gomez: Yeah well so would Jennifer Anniston but you don’t see her begging!

Brian Gionta: We’ll be in touch.

Tom Pyatt leaves the room.

Scott Gomez: NEXT!

In walks Guillaume Latendresse.

Brian Gionta: Umm...

Scott Gomez: ZOMBIE!

Brian Gionta: He’s not dead...we traded him.

Scott Gomez: Oh...Jesus that scared the crap out of me. I just thought he died because after he got traded it’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth.

Guillaume Latendresse: That’s why I’m here.

Brian Gionta: Go on...

Guillaume Latendresse: Hever since I got traded nobody cares about me. I scored over 25 goals after I left and nobody cares. They say Minnesota is a good Hockey state but when I go to T.G.I.Fridays nobody recognizes me! I miss Montréal! I miss being stopped every thirty seconds for an autograph! I miss being stopped every 15 seconds by a hooker who wants to have sex with me! I miss it! Please take me back! PLEASE!

Scott Gomez: I don’t think we have the power to do that.

Brian Gionta: We don’t, but I know who does.

Guillaume Latendresse: Who? Please tell me!

Brian Gionta: His name is Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.

Guillaume Latendresse: Awwww.

He leaves, dejected.

Scott Gomez: That’s an odd name.

Brian Gionta: You probably rank pretty high on the dumbest millionaires list eh?

Scott Gomez: 7 last time I checked.

Brian Gionta: NEXT!

Lars Eller walks into the room.

Brian Gionta: Well now....this is interesting.

Scott Gomez: Yeah...I never thought of him before.

Lars Eller: Hey guys.

Brian Gionta: Lars Eller.

Scott Gomez: Lars Eller.

Brian Gionta: Good passer, young kid.

Scott Gomez: Rookie...could mirror my Calder year if he plays with us.

Brian Gionta: Big body, could make it easier for us out there.

Scott Gomez: Plus he looks like an I look super hot by comparison.

Brian Gionta: I think this could work...Lars what do you think?

Lars Eller: Well you know...I’m Danish...not a lot of good Hockey players come from Denmark so this would be a great opportunity for me. It would also prove to the fans and the media that they got something good for Halak.

Brian Gionta: Right...right...

Scott Gomez: Are you saying you brought Danish? If so you should share with everyone.

Lars Eller:...I....

Just then someone bashes down the door from the outside, it falls completely off its hinges.

Jacques Martin: That was way easier than I thought it would be.

Brian Gionta: What’s going on here, we’re filming a TV show!

Jacques Martin: I don’t see any cameras Brian! This interview is over!

Scott Gomez: Hot damn...there are no cameras! We’ve been hosed!

Martin grabs Eller by the wrist and begins to drag him out of the room.

Brian Gionta: What are you doing? He’d be a perfect fit!

Jacques Martin: You leave the coaching to me Brian, I don’t come to where you work and tell you what to do.

Brian Gionta: Actually that’s all you do.

Jacques Martin: Shut up! Eller is not playing on the first line! You’re playing with Pouliot, or whoever’s name I pull out of the hat next ok!?

Scott Gomez: That makes little to no sense but I’m going to go with it because you’re wearing a suit and that impresses me.

Jacques Martin leaves the room with Eller in tow.

Brian Gionta: Well, that’s it...I guess we’ll keep playing with the plugers.

Scott Gomez: Goodbye Everybody!

Brian Gionta: Who are you talking to?

Scott Gomez: I don’t know Brian...I don’t know.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tweet Ten 6!

This weeks Tweet Ten is so topical it's practically that 'Head On' stuff with those really annoying commercials.

If you don't know what this topic the following link:

Now that you've stopped laughing...start laughing again.

Tween Ten Reasons the Islanders Hate the Habs.

10. They’re still bitter about the fact that Louis Leblanc got more fan and media attention than John Tavares did at the ‘09 Draft.

9. They hate not being able to turn right on a red light.

8. Lars Eller is a better Dane than Frans Nielsen and the Islanders know it.

7. They’re incredibly jealous that they have to wait over 50 years to throw a Centennial Celebration.

6. They’re still waiting for something more than a fruit basket from Mike Cammalleri for slashing Nino Niedereiter.

5. All Mike Bossy, who is from Montreal, ever did for them was win 4 cups in a row. They resent him till this day.

4. Every time Charles Wang calls the Habs office and identifies himself whoever answers the phone laughs for ten minutes.

3. Pierre Gauthier still hasn’t accepted Garth Snow’s friend request on Facebook.

2. They were totally about to sign Mike Cammalleri and Brian Gionta.

1. All Mark Streit talks about is how better the food, nightlife, women and quality of living was back in Montreal.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Comparing the Montreal Canadiens and the Tampa Bay Lightning

Well...the Habs home opener is here and I personally think that out of 29 teams they are playing against the worst possible team.

Tampa is rejuvenated. New GM, new coach, new Dominc Moore…they have it all!

A lot of people have been calling the Bolts the “Habs South”, I think that’s ridiculous. While there are a few similarities I have compared the two teams and have found that they are complete opposites.

Enjoy the home opener!

Comparing the Habs and the Bolts:

One Team: Has a French Canadian superstar on a level of his own. He is face of the franchise and has carried the team on his back for years.
The Other Team: Has Vincent Lecavalier.

One Team: Sells out every home game, no matter the opponent.
The Other Team: Sells out every home game they play against the Montreal Canadiens and Toronto Maple Leafs.

One Team: Finished at the bottom of the NHL several times and drafted key players to stabilize the future of their organization.
The Other Team: Did the same thing, but drafted Andrei Kostitsyn.

One Team: Has a fanbase that follows their team microscopically.
The Other Team: Has a fanbase that is microscopic.

One Team: Has a state of the art training facility that caters to any and every need that the players might have.
The Other Team: Has Guy Boucher, and that’s all they need.

One Team: Has a new GM that acquired Dan Ellis.
The Other Team: Has a new GM that acquired Dan Ellis.

One Team: Has enough star French Canadiens to field a top line.
The Other Team: Is really super jealous.

One Team: Benefits from intense media attention so fans know everything that is going on behind the scenes.
The Other Team: Benefits from having no media attention at all which is a good thing because they’ve been pretty bad the past few years.

One Team: Has a goalie that is under heavy scrutiny from his entire media and fanbase…but don’t worry, he can take it.
The Other Team: Has a goalie that had twitter but for some reason doesn’t have it anymore.

One Team: Has a young purebred defenseman with size, skill and intensity.
The Other Team: Has the same thing…but he’s better by default because he plays in Montreal.

One Team: Drafted Roman Hamrlik 1st overall, who is facing his former team.
The Other Team: Traded a 2nd Round pick for Dominic Moore, who is facing his former team.

One Team: Uses the phrase “All In” as their team’s motto.
The Other Team: Thinks that the slogan is really ironic considering who their head coach used to be.

One Team: Has a rookie NHL coach, but he knows his shit.
The Other Team: Has a veteran NHL coach, he’s shit.

One Team: Had a tough guy but he left via free agency.
The Other Team: Had a tough guy but he is currently a Figure Skater.

Tweet Ten 5!

In case you missed it, here is last night's Tweet Ten!

Tweet Ten signs you don’t play in a Hockey market.

10. Eklund keeps saying that your team’s fans are among the best in the league and are incredibly underrated.

9. You look forward to playing in Columbus because their fans are so awesome.

8. You make the playoffs, but the Diamondbacks spring training gets a bigger turnout.

7. You play golf during the regular season

6. Your fans have never seen snow and are skeptical if it even exists at all.

5. Your arena sells out for a Justin Bieber concert in 5 minutes but your home games barely draw 5,000 people.

4. Your 3rd line center marrying a country music star is bigger news than your team’s
blockbuster trade at the deadline.

3. Gary Bettman does everything in his power to make sure your franchise never moves.

2. The draft is in your city this year, but for some reason people show up wearing
Army Fatigues.

1. Your home opener is the Buccaneers half time show.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tweet Ten 4!

Dedicated to Mike Cammalleri and probably Colby Armstrong, Mike Komisarek, Dion Phaneuf and the charmer Colton Orr.

Tweet Ten signs you’re getting suspended

10. Sean Avery calls you to congratulate you on the awesome hit you delivered during your game.

9. The rookie you just slashed is the Commissioner’s nephew.

8. Your team just made an emergency call-up, but your coach won’t tell you what the emergency is.

7. Every fan of the team you play for insists that you’re not getting suspended.

6. You accidentally brushed by Sidney Crosby during your last shift.

5. You and your team were involved in a bench clearing brawl, but you weren’t dressed for the game.

4. Brian Burke called you ‘Truculent’ in a post-game interview.

3. After a hit, Habs fans stopped booing Carey Price and started booing you.

2. It’s October, but reporters keep asking you how you think you’ll be able to help in the team’s playoff run.

1. You just came to in the penalty box. You don’t remember how you got there but for some reason the opposing team’s mascot is giving you the finger.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Season Preview

Well the season is starting two days and what would any respectable Habs blog be without a season preview? I know my blog is not respectable, but let's pretend for the sake of appearances....also my In-Laws are coming in from out of town and I need to look good.

Experts are predicting a high and low season for the Habs. The general consensus is that we will finish in 8th place.

I beg to differ.

I think we'll finish anywhere between 6th and 8th.


We have an interesting roster with a lot of 'ifs'. Here is my expert roster breakdown previewing several key players for the 2010-2011 season.

Season Preview

Benoit Pouliot

The Good: He will always be viewed as a better player than Latendresse.
The Bad: He’s not better than Latendresse.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will change his last name because he hates being called a chicken.

Andrei Kostitsyn

The Good: With his brother gone he doesn’t have to split the cut from the mob anymore.
The Bad: Not a good thing when your IQ is the same as your jersey number.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will have a ‘Burrows’ season and rack up the points because he’s playing next to Cammalleri and Plekanec.

Mike Cammalleri

The Good: Is a pretty level headed guy; doesn’t let rookies get to him.
The Bad: Hates ankles.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will not score against the Toronto Maple Leafs until November 20th.

Andrei Markov

The Good: Became a Canadian citizen over the summer.
The Bad: His eyes are closed in his passport picture.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will be one of the NHL’s best defensemen according to the experts, but will not get a Norris nomination for the 9th consecutive year.

Carey Price

The Good:
Ready to do whatever it takes to prove the experts and fans wrong.
The Bad: Crippling fear of small rubber disks.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Vezina Trophy.

Jaroslav Spacek

The Good: Started taking baby Aspirin to help prevent Heart Attacks.
The Bad: It’s really hard to skate with ‘Depends’ on.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: By the end of the season, his visor will cover his entire face. He’ll never wear a cage though…that’s for pussies.

Alex Auld

The Good: Media and fanbase have zero expectations for him coming into this season.
The Bad: He’s terrible.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will start against the New York Islanders at least once.

Brian Gionta

The Good:
Fancy new C on his jersey.
The Bad: Will probably have to play with Pouliot for the majority of the season.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will miss all the games at the ACC because Brian Burke just implemented a ‘you must be *THIS* tall to play against us’ rule.

Scott Gomez

The Good: Rich as hell.
The Bad: Will probably have to play with Pouliot for the majority of the season.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will quit Hockey and become Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012.

Lars Eller

The Good:
Will get top 6 minutes as a result of management trying to justify the
Halak trade.
The Bad: Kind of Albino looking. A bit creepy.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will get traded in 2 years. Will score 40 goals for his new team. Probably Tampa.

Maxim Lapierre

The Good:
Nowhere to go but up after last season.
The Bad: Will probably go down.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will score one nice goal every 20 games.

Josh Gorges

The Good:
Living proof that Bob Gainey made at least one good trade.
The Bad: His contract with the Devil only covers two more pucks to the head with no consequence.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will be the first person ever to talk the ref out of giving him a penalty.

Hal Gill

The Good: Won over the Fans after showing how useful he can be during the playoffs.
The Bad: Upset at the fact that he was never able to do that before when he played for Toronto.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will have the opportunity to hit someone, but won’t.

Ryan O’Byrne

The Good: Over 82 games without scoring on his own net!
The Bad: He spent 73 of those 82 games in the press box.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will get traded for a shorter, older defenseman.

Tomas Plekanec

The Good:
Is probably the Habs best all-around player.
The Bad: Is probably the Habs best all-around player.
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Will probably get hit by a bus. Habs fans have no luck.

P.K. Subban

The Good: Has it all, a star in the making.
The Bad: Racism:
Habs Laughs Fearless Prediction: Calder, Norris, Hart trophies. In my NHL 11 dynasty.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Challenge Accepted

A few days ago a Blogger by the name of Shmitzysays issued out an open challenge to the blogging community to select their top 12 forwards for this year’s Montreal Canadiens opening day roster. We’ve been staring at the pre-season for about two weeks now and all of us are extremely overqualified to make these selections by watching players from awkward camera angles and reading about them on the internet (where everything is super true and objective).

I for one know as much as the next guy/girl about Hockey and feel that I can put together a pretty good top 12. The catch is I don’t think Shmitzysays said I had to limit this to the current Habs squad, and if he did…well I just skimmed his blog anyways.

If playing the EA Sports NHL franchise has taught me anything it is that the salary cap is just a suggestion, every GM sucks but you, and the draft is useless; your players never develop and the only way to keep your team good is by trading and signing big name free agents (otherwise known as the Brian Burke method)

I’m going to put together a forward corps that will be feared by the league by filling it with the best players in the league….according to Homer fans who can’t see past their own nose. The best players who are the best because ‘He has incredible vision and always gives the Puck to Ovechkin/Crosby/Kessel/Etc’ will be on this team.

Obviously I’m going to have to get rid of several key Habs players…but they all suck anyway didn’t you know that?

So here we go.

New Season.

Salary Cap Off.

CPU Reject Trades Off.


You’re Cut:

Scott Gomez- Too short, too ethnic.

Mike Cammalleri- Too short, last name too many syllables.

Brian Gionta- Too short, way too short.

Andrei Kostitsyn- Too skilled, needs change of scenery to flourish.

Lars Eller- Name is Lars.

Dustin Boyd, Ryan White, Tom Pyatt, Jeff Halpern, Travis Moen- Care about the sport, give 110% every night. Who does that anymore? So 90s.

You’re Cool:

Tomas Plekanec- New contract, can’t make the GM look fickle. Also down payment on Turtlenecks is non-refundable.

Absolutely indispensable:

Maxim Lapierre- Obvious reasons

Mathieu Darche- Obvious reasons

Benoit Pouliot- Obvious reasons…kind of.

Welcome to the Habs: (use your imaginations)

Phil Kessel- God.

Nazim Kadri- Jesus.

Kris Versteeg- Cup experience.

Alex Burrows- Obvious reasons. Also He’s incredible and makes players like Daniel and
Henrik Sedin score 100 points a season.

Alex Kovalev- For some reason Habs fans love this guy. Would be awesome one night and terrible the next but would always plead his dedication to the team. Holy shit! Alex Kovalev is the Canadiens fan base personified!

Sergei Kostitsyn- Team player. Possible captain?

Mats Sundin- He owes us one.

Ruslan Fedotenko- Token player from European country that isn’t Finland, Sweden, Czech Republic, Slovakia or Russia.

So to put this in line form.

Line 1: Darche-Lapierre-Burrows
Line 2: Kessel-Kadri-Versteeg
Line 3: Pouliot-Sundin-Kovalev
Line 4: Fedotenko-Plekanec-Kostitsyn

Ca sent la Coupe!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tweet Ten 3

In case you missed it, here is the third installment of the Tweet Ten!

They're lame and corny...but that's the point.

For the record, I'm a huge Carey Price fan...anything for a laugh/slight chuckle/shameful head shake right?

Top Ten Corny Carey Price Pre-Season jokes.

10. Carey Price walks into a bar. The Bartender says 'what can I get you'. Price
replies 'do you have any talent?'

9. Price asked a few teammates to shoot on him for practice. The session ended early when Price finally snapped and popped the beach ball that he kept letting in.

8. Carey Price almost got hit by a car yesterday. He’s ok though, it went right through his legs.

7. Why is Carey Price so good at riding bulls? Because he only has to work for 30 seconds a night.

6. What’s the difference between Carey Price and a sieve? A sieve is useful.

5 How does Carey Price celebrate a win? I’ll let you know when it happens..

4. How do you know that Carey Price isn’t afraid of Ghosts? He’s completely unfazed by 21,000 ‘Boos’

3. What do a bad fisherman and Carey Price’s glove hand have in common? They both can’t catch anything.

2. Knock Knock *Who’s there* Carey Price in five years. *Carey Price in 5 years who? * Exactly.

1. It’s so hot outside *how hot is it* It’s so hot that Carey Price wishes he still had fans.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Guest piece for Habs Addicts

I was recently asked to write a guest piece for the website Habs Addicts as part of a he said/she said feature. Due to some complications the she said portion of the piece could not be posted, but my portion was.

Here is my 'he said' contribution for Habs Addicts; Addict Alley section called "Why are the Canadiens awesome?"

Because they’re possessed by the ghosts of dead Canadiens, stupid.

With the Habs Frankenstein season behind us, our beloved Tricolore is beginning to look more and more like a real team by the day.

Experts say that a championship team is built through the draft, so it’s obvious that what Bob Gainey did during the Summer of 2009 was crazier than Milan Lucic on ‘ludes.

In case you forgot, all Bob Gainey did was do away with 10+ years of drafting, trading, and key free agent signing to collect a gang of short, old and overrated players (according to the experts)!

Bob Gainey did something else that off-season, something unknown to him, the players and every single fan in the world except for me.

It’s a good thing you came to Habs Addicts today, it’s also a good thing you clicked on the Addict Alley section, it’s also a good thing you clicked on this very link because I am about to let you in on a chilling secret that I did not make up for the sake of this article.

Bob Gainey broke Hockey rules.

You can’t just sign free agents and trade for Scott Gomez and get away with it. You have to pay your dues, be really bad for 10 years like the Penguins and Blackhawks and then you can go deep into the playoffs.

When Bob Gainey overhauled the Habs he also unleashed a terrible curse on the team. The curse caused the ghosts trapped inside the Pepsi Forum—scared the crap out of the people eating at Guido and Angelina’s—to escape and possess several members of your current Montreal Canadiens team.

The curse backfired though, because it turns out that the Habs had some pretty good players in the past. I’m sure I can work in some kind of Spider-man gift/curse segue into the main part of the article but I do not have the writing talent to pull something like that off.

Mike Cammalleri is possessed by Howie Morenz.

Ok, this one is too obvious. They look exactly alike:


Look at the resemblance and tell me that the soul of Howie Morenz is not embedded within Mike Cammalleri.

You can’t, because it is.

Looks aside, Cammalleri and Morenz play a very similar game. They’re both fast, have keen on-ice vision, have a sick wrist shot, and love to fist pump after they score goals.

It’s also no coincidence that they have incredibly similar nicknames. Howie Morenz’s is ‘The Stratford Streak’—alluding to Morenz’s speed and the city where his roots are.

Mike Cammalleri’s nickname is ‘The Thornhill Thunderbolt’ for the same reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: That’s not his nickname.

It’s not? Well it should be.

Brian Gionta is possessed by Boom Boom Geoffrion

Did you know that Boom Boom was only 5’9? You do now sir/ma’ do now.

Source: my own editing of Wikipedia for the purpose of this article.

We all know that Brian Gionta is short. What he lacks in size he makes up for in heart, leadership, and testicular fortitude. If you look for those three words in the dictionary you will find Boom Boom’s picture next to them

Side Note: Sami Salo is also there next to testicular fortitude.

Brian Gionta plays big, much like Boom Boom did in his prime. These wee warriors cause headaches for their opponents and it is also really, really funny if you speed up the footage of them that you’re watching and play the theme song from Benny Hill.


Maxime Lapierre is possessed by Maurice Richard

Maxime Lapierre is French-Canadian ipso facto his soul was the only one that Richard could latch onto safely without pissing off the French media.

The Rocket was an idol.

When Latendresse got traded, Lapierre became the idol by default.

There is no doubt that the spirit of The Rocket is lodged within Maxim Lapierre. Lapierre is the best hockey player to ever play in the NHL. Lapierre skates like the wind, hits like a wrecking ball, and shoots like a high powered rifle.

Lapierre is the voice of our generation; he is a symbol of light in an otherwise bleak and dreary world. He is the one ray of hope that the Canadiens have left at keeping their Quebecois identity alive.

Side Note: The previous paragraph was written by my guest contributor, Maxim Lapierre.

Carey Price is possessed by Bill Durnan

I bet you thought I was going to say that Price was possessed by Jacques Plante.

Where’s my money?

When Bill Durnan played for the Habs—the only team he played for professionally—he was lights out.

In his rookie year he was 38-5-7—the 7 is ties, for those who don’t remember Hockey before 2004.

That’s a scary record, as is a 208-112-62 lifetime stat. He’s a hall of famer and was depicted on one of Price’s centennial masks which of course is Hockey’s highest honor.

Bill Durnan retired at the age of 35 due to him not being able to handle the stress of playing in the NHL.

Sound familiar?

Well, there you have it folks, undisputable evidence that several Canadiens are currently being possessed by the Ghosts of the Forum.

Please don’t try to take matters into your own hands by trying to perform an exorcism if you run into any of the players on the street. Also, don’t call the Ghostbusters or any type of ghost related reality show on A&E. They will think you are crazy for believing that this article is in any way real.

Side Note: Ignore that last sentence, it’s just meant to cover Habs Addict’s butt in case any lawyers come knocking.

Ghosts are real and they’re living in the souls of the aforementioned players.

For real.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tweet Ten List 2!

Second installment of the Tweet Ten List is in the books! Hope you tuned in...if not...there's always next week!

Top ten signs that Habs Hockey is back.

10. Georges Laraque can be spotted lobbying for Veggie dogs to be served at the Bell Centre.

9. A new round of shatter proof glass gets installed on St. Catherine Street.

8. Attendance at Alouettes games goes from over 25,000 to 25.

7. On a similar note, people completely forget that the Impact exist.

6. The Bell Centre just received their annual shipment of 500 turtlenecks for Tomas Plekanec.

5. Game tickets sell out in minutes, and then get re-sold again in minutes for triple the price.

4. Travis Moen comes back from the farm, Scott Gomez comes back from Alaska, but Andrei Kostitsyn stays in space.

3. All the bird crap gets cleaned off the statues in Centennial Plaza.

2. Instead of watching it together every week, Jacques Martin and Kirk Muller now
have to TIVO Battle of the Blades.

1. Youppi hits up the Salon for a cut and a dye.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tweet Ten List!

For those of you that missed it, I was featured in a new segment on Game Points with Matthew Ross on the Team 990 in Montreal! I'll be on every week doing a new 'Tweet Ten List' so be sure to tune in!

I'll also be posting the Tweet Ten List on the Blog for those who missed it on the radio.

Top Ten reasons why Pierre Gauthier chose Carey Price over Jaroslav Halak.

10. Does your starting goalie Rodeo in the off-season? I don’t think so.

9. Josh Gorges likes Carey Price better, and what Josh Gorges says, goes.

8. Carey Price is in Gauthier’s A-Capella group: “Triple Gleeke”

7. All Halak did was help lead the Habs to the conference finals, beating the Capitals and the Penguins in the process. Price helped Gauthier master the orange button on Guitar hero. I think we know who’s more valuable.

6. The only team that wanted Price was Colorado….even Gauthier isn’t that stupid.
5. Gauthier is in a Western Conference only fantasy league.

4. Price still has 7 new Habs masks left to debut. Are you going to take that away from him?

3. By some weird stretch of logic, Price is considered to be more ‘French Canadian’ than Halak.

2. Alex Auld would make Halak look too good. There needs to be room for some controversy.

1. Halak liked to pull pranks, and the one where he traded himself for Lars Eller and Ian Schultz was one too many.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Pierre Gauthier's Off-Season To-Do List

Well the Off-Season is almost over with the rookies getting underway today....and Pierre Gauthier did a lot....kind of. While his moves were mostly low-key, he planned to do a hell of a lot!

I know this because I broke into his office and took his To-Do list. Kind of like how I found his Blackberry. (except this time I committed a felony)

The ones on the list he completed he filled in with black ink, the ones he didn't complete he left blank.


Pierre Gauthier’s Off-Season To-Do List

o Make sure Guy Boucher ends up with our coaching staff.
o Make sure Julien Brisebois stays with our front office.
• Make sure to remind cousin in Tampa Bay to put that flaming bag of dog shit on Yzerman’s front porch
• Let two hard working, undersized, over-aged forwards leave the team via free agency.
• Acquire one hard working, undersized, over-aged forward via free agency.
• Trade one of my goalies for a stable top 6 forward OR two forwards that will spark intense debate within the entire Montreal fanbase.
• Ensure that one of those forwards is good enough for fans to lamely reassure themselves that the trade was worth it.
• Trade away headache Sergei Kostitsyn to a weak market team
o Sign Dan Ellis, I have a good feeling about that guy. Seems like he can handle fan pressure well, also his twitter account is the balls.
• Let Marc Andre Bergeron walk, put robot puck shooter/pylon on ice instead.
o Trade slow developing defenseman Matt Carle in return for slow developing defenseman.
o Trade Slow developing forward Benjamin Maxwell in return for slow developing forward.
• Copyright the term “Pull a D’Agostini”
o Find a way to apply the Georges Laraque ‘Tek Savvy’ Ads to his real life contrac….I mean contract.
• Continue to secretly fund Guillaume Latendresse’s hypnosis . It’s the only way he believes he’s a good hockey player.
o Name Josh Gorges Captain
o Name Brian Gionta Captain
o Name Andrei Markov Captain
o Name Mike Cammalleri Captain
• Let internet fan polls determine captaincy
o Look into that Habs Laughs fellow. How does he keep taking my shit?


Some good news to report!

I was contacted by the host of Game Points, a show on the Team 990 radio station in Montreal. I'll be on the show doing a weekly segment called the 'Tweet Ten List'. It's basically a Letterman style top ten list. Debut segment is on Tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 11:25 PM!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Former Habs...where are they now?

Remember that time when the Habs finished 1st in the Eastern Conference a few years back? Remember that time when the Habs were predicted to finish 1st in the Eastern Conference the following season?

Remember what happened instead?

Put down the gun.

Continue reading.


That team was something else wasn’t it? We were supposed to be so damn good…but instead we were streaky, lacked heart, and were more boring that a NASCAR race in slow motion.

I mean look at the players we had!

Saku Koivu, Alex Kovalev, Steve Begin, Chris Higgins, Alex Tanguay, Mike Komisarek, Francis Bouillon, Sergei Kostitsyn, Tom Kostopoulos, Mathieu Dandenault, Guillaume Latendresse, Kyle Chipchura, Robert Lang, Matt D’Agostini, Mathieu Schneider, Patrice Birsebois…to name a few.

Over a dozen players have left our ranks since that fateful season that made Bob Gainey swear for the first time in his entire life.
We all know about the massive transformation that the Habs went through one year ago, and I believe that the core of our team has improved immensely. We’ve fallen in love with the newcomers…but we seem to have forgotten the warriors who sacrificed life and limb while playing for the Habs during that 08-09 season. Well I haven’t.
I thought up this blog Idea a year ago…before I started blogging…and decided to keep close tabs on most of the players that left us during the off-season one year ago. I’ve taken note of their highs, lows and everything in between.

Former Habs…where are they now?

Saku Koivu

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Anaheim Ducks
Best Moment: Finding out his agent got the Ducks to include free season passes to Disneyland in his contract.
Worst Moment: Finding out Kyle Chipchurra got traded to the Ducks.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will form a line centering Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne that would have been pretty super awesome 10-15 years ago.

Alex Kovalev

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Ottawa Senators
Best Moment: Those 3 games where he came to the Bell Centre and actually played Hockey.
Worst Moment: Realizing Mike Cammalleri is way, way better than him.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will be one of the players to leave for the Sochi 2014 Olympics. The League and the Senators won’t care.

Chris Higgins

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: New York Rangers, Calgary Flames, Florida Panthers
Best Moment: When the Leafs made that big trade and made Higgins the 4th worst player on the Flames instead of the worst player on the team.
Worst Moment: When Niklas Hagman ended up with more goals than him.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will resurrect his career in Florida, scoring ten goals and adding 15 assists, making him the Panthers’ leading scorer.

Alex Tanguay

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Tampa Bay Lightning, Calgary Flames
Best Moment: Would FINALLY play on a team that will use him properly in Tampa Bay, unlike Colorado, Calgary, Montreal, whatever Junior team he played on, all of his Youth Teams, his High School Ball Hockey team, his older brother during street hockey, and his dad during knee hockey in his basement when he was 5.
Worst Moment: The moment his agent looked him in the eye and told him his best option was returning to Calgary.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will decide head to the KHL, but won’t receive a single offer.

Mike Komisarek

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Toronto Maple Leafs
Best Moment: Fit right in with, and I imaginary quote, ‘Awesome dudes’ Mikhail Grabovsky and Colton Orr. Looks forward to meeting ‘Salt of the earth’ Colby Armstrong.
Worst Moment: Got hurt after terrible start, robbed Leafs fans of seeing how soft he could actually be since Lucic destroyed him mentally and physically.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Dancing with the stars anyone?…Is he even famous enough?

Tom Kostopoulos

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Carolina Hurricanes
Best Moment: Was one of the 3rd liner-but-try-really-hard-and-play-well-and-make-a-run-at-the-playoffs-but-don’t-have-any-really-good-players-aside-from-Staal-and-maybe-Whitney dudes on the Hurricanes.
Worst Moment: The Jersey guy on the Hurricanes spelled his name right 1 out of 82 times.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will captain team Greece at some form of Adriatic/Ionian Hockey tournament.

And now for some that left a little before and after 2008-2009

Cristobal Huet

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Washington Capitals, Chicago Blackhawks, some Swiss League team?
Best Moment: Watching The Chicago Blackawks win the Stanley Cup.
Worst Moment: Watching the Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup…
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will watch whatever team he is on in Europe win their championship trophy. Will run for President of France and lose.

Guillaume Latendresse

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Minnesota Wild
Best Moment: Realizing that he’s actually a good hockey player, and that all his critics were wrong.
Worst Moment: Realizing that he’s a good Hockey player on the Minnesota Wild.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: 30 Goals and 28 Assists….on the Houston Aeros after scoring 5 goals and 2 assists in 37 games with the Wild.

Sergei Kostitsyn

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Nashville Predators
Best Moment: Staying away from cold and depressing Russia, where he would have most likely played had he not been moved.
Worst Moment: Heading towards warm and depressing Nashville.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: 50 Goals, 85 Points. Just because he’s not a Hab anymore.

Michael Ryder

Team Since Leaving the Habs:
Boston Bruins
Best Moment: Finally perfected the toe drag, blew right by Sheldon Souray one time.
Worst Moment: Really misses Chris Higgins, can't figure out how to download Skype
Habs Laughs' Fearless Prediction: Will slowly go insane while reading "Where's Waldo"