The scene opens in the Montreal Canadiens dressing room in the Bell Centre. The scene is eerily familiar, the dressing room is empty save for a table with two chairs behind it set up in the middle of the room. As you read this you probably think that you’ve read something like this before...well you have...this is its sequel.
A tall man with slicked back hair enters the room and stands in front of the table. He smiles and clears his through before speaking.
Joelle Bouchard: Bonjour! Hi ham Joelle Bouchard hand hi ham your ‘ost for dis evening!
Yes he said exactly that the first time around.
Joel Bouchard: Bienvenue au WHO WANTS TO BE A FIRST LINER!
Joel Bouchard: Part Deux!
Not that part though.
Joel Bouchard: Has you all know, Benoit Pouliot is terrible...so Jacques Martin has left it up to Brian Gionta et Scott Gomez to ‘old hauditions for their left winger! The contestants will come in one by one et they will pitch their case has to why they should be a first liner!
Ét maintenant, Accueillons your judges pour ce soir....BRIAN GIONTA ET SCOTT GOMEZ!
The bridge from Coldplay’s fix you plays as Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez walk into the room and sit down at the table.
Joelle Bouchard: Bienvenue judges, har you ready to choose your new winger?
Brian Gionta: Yes we are, send in the first one.
In walks Dustin Boyd.
Scott Gomez: Name please.
Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.
Brian Gionta: Welcome Justin!
Dustin Boyd: Uh...it’s Dustin.
Brian Gionta: Right...Justin.
Dustin Boyd: No, Dustin, Duhh.
Brian Gionta: Right, Justin...Juhhh.
Dustin Boyd: Dustin Boyd.
Brian Gionta: Justin Boyd.
Jus...Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN Boyd!
Brian Gionta: Let’s agree to disagree.
Scott Gomez: So Justin.
Dustin Boyd: DUSTIN!
Scott Gomez: Whatever. Why should you be our new line mate?
Dustin Boyd: Well ever since I was a young boy growing up in Winnipeg I always dreamed of being on the first line of an NHL team. I played with Iginla in Calgary...but that was like a revolving door and my parents, friends and coaches keep telling me that it doesn’t count. When I was on Nashville I got some good minutes but nothing like a first liner. Ever since I got traded for Sergei Kostysy-
Scott Gomez: Wait...You got traded for Sergei?
Dustin Boyd: Yeah me and Dan Ellis for Sergei.
Scott Gomez: Who’s Dan Ellis?
Brian Gionta: I have no idea. Is he the guy that invented Ellis Island?
Scott Gomez: Oh yeah...nice one!
Dustin Boyd: He’s a goalie...
Brian Gionta: Regardless of who he is...what you’re saying to us right now is that you are player that Pierre Gauthier got for Sergei Kostitsyn?
Dustin Boyd: Yes but..
Scott Gomez: Well Brian, you gotta think that that increases his chances immensely.
Brian Gionta: One would come to that conclusion yes.
Dustin Boyd: I have other-
Scott Gomez: It’s ok that’s all we need. We’ll let you know.
Brian Gionta: Thanks for coming in Justin.
Dustin Boyd: it’s Du....nevermind...you’re welcome.
He exits the room.
Scott Gomez: You know his name is Dustin right.
Brian Gionta: Who’s Dustin?
In walks Tom Pyatt.
Scott Gomez: Umm hey we didn’t say ‘next.
Brian Gionta: Didn’t say ‘next’
Tom Pyatt: What? I’m already in here....
Brian Gionta: Yeah but we really have to say ‘next’ for the next contestant to be able to walk in.
Scott Gomez: Look we don’t care...but the network insists that we do it that way.
Tom Pyatt: What network?
Scott Gomez: Um, a little network called STFU, bitch! Now go outside, wait for us to say ‘next’ and then come in!
Pyatt leaves the room.
Scott Gomez: My god!
Brian Gionta: So unprofessional.
Scott Gomez: NEXT!
Tom Pyatt walks into the room.
Brian Gionta: Name please.
Tom Pyatt: Tom Pyatt.
Scott Gomez: Hey I know you...we were on the same flight together from JFK right?
Tom Pyatt: Yeah...we play-
Scott Gomez: No way!! Dude you need to tell me how ‘Analyze This’ ended I passed out halfway through...
Brian Gionta: Maybe later Scott...?
Scott Gomez: Fine...so what were you doing on that flight? You play for the Habs now? So weird.
Tom Pyatt: We were involved in the same trade...we used to play on the Rangers together.
Tom Pyatt: Yeah...you used to call me “Pyatt Riot” because if kind of rhymes...you also put superglue on my sticks during games like 5 times.
Scott Gomez: That does sound like me.
Brian Gionta: I’m all for this lovely reunion, but I have tickets to see Jewel tonight and I am not missing it so can we get on with this?
Tom Pyatt: Well, There’s not much to say...I work hard, I have a nose for the net and I’m a really fast skater. I can go into the dirty areas and free up space in the offensive zone to open up passing lanes.
Brian Gionta: That sounds really cool but I have no idea what you’re talking about. You sound like Pierre McGuire.
Scott Gomez: Without the Russian accent.
Brian Gionta and Tom Pyatt stare at Scott Gomez.
Brian Gionta: Wha?—Actually...I’m not getting into that.
Tom Pyatt: I just think I would be a great fit with you guys.
Scott Gomez: Yeah well so would Jennifer Anniston but you don’t see her begging!
Brian Gionta: We’ll be in touch.
Tom Pyatt leaves the room.
Scott Gomez: NEXT!
In walks Guillaume Latendresse.
Brian Gionta: Umm...
Scott Gomez: ZOMBIE!
Brian Gionta: He’s not dead...we traded him.
Scott Gomez: Oh...Jesus that scared the crap out of me. I just thought he died because after he got traded it’s as if he dropped off the face of the earth.
Guillaume Latendresse: That’s why I’m here.
Brian Gionta: Go on...
Guillaume Latendresse: Hever since I got traded nobody cares about me. I scored over 25 goals after I left and nobody cares. They say Minnesota is a good Hockey state but when I go to T.G.I.Fridays nobody recognizes me! I miss Montréal! I miss being stopped every thirty seconds for an autograph! I miss being stopped every 15 seconds by a hooker who wants to have sex with me! I miss it! Please take me back! PLEASE!
Scott Gomez: I don’t think we have the power to do that.
Brian Gionta: We don’t, but I know who does.
Guillaume Latendresse: Who? Please tell me!
Brian Gionta: His name is Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.
Guillaume Latendresse: Awwww.
He leaves, dejected.
Scott Gomez: That’s an odd name.
Brian Gionta: You probably rank pretty high on the dumbest millionaires list eh?
Scott Gomez: 7 last time I checked.
Brian Gionta: NEXT!
Lars Eller walks into the room.
Brian Gionta: Well now....this is interesting.
Scott Gomez: Yeah...I never thought of him before.
Lars Eller: Hey guys.
Brian Gionta: Lars Eller.
Scott Gomez: Lars Eller.
Brian Gionta: Good passer, young kid.
Scott Gomez: Rookie...could mirror my Calder year if he plays with us.
Brian Gionta: Big body, could make it easier for us out there.
Scott Gomez: Plus he looks like an albino...so I look super hot by comparison.
Brian Gionta: I think this could work...Lars what do you think?
Lars Eller: Well you know...I’m Danish...not a lot of good Hockey players come from Denmark so this would be a great opportunity for me. It would also prove to the fans and the media that they got something good for Halak.
Brian Gionta: Right...right...
Scott Gomez: Are you saying you brought Danish? If so you should share with everyone.
Just then someone bashes down the door from the outside, it falls completely off its hinges.
Jacques Martin: That was way easier than I thought it would be.
Brian Gionta: What’s going on here, we’re filming a TV show!
Jacques Martin: I don’t see any cameras Brian! This interview is over!
Scott Gomez: Hot damn...there are no cameras! We’ve been hosed!
Martin grabs Eller by the wrist and begins to drag him out of the room.
Brian Gionta: What are you doing? He’d be a perfect fit!
Jacques Martin: You leave the coaching to me Brian, I don’t come to where you work and tell you what to do.
Brian Gionta: Actually that’s all you do.
Jacques Martin: Shut up! Eller is not playing on the first line! You’re playing with Pouliot, or whoever’s name I pull out of the hat next ok!?
Scott Gomez: That makes little to no sense but I’m going to go with it because you’re wearing a suit and that impresses me.
Jacques Martin leaves the room with Eller in tow.
Brian Gionta: Well, that’s it...I guess we’ll keep playing with the plugers.
Scott Gomez: Goodbye Everybody!
Brian Gionta: Who are you talking to?
Scott Gomez: I don’t know Brian...I don’t know.