Tweet Ten Tim Thomas Excuses

Long time no see, Hockey fans.

Habs Killer (and everyone else killer) Timmy Thomas made headlines this week by snubbing Barack Obama at the White house for their visit with the big man.

Word is that he missed the party because of his political views...wrong!

I have the Tweet Ten (credit to Matthew Ross for the name)Tim Thomas Excuses for snubbing POTUS.

10. I have never paid my taxes.

9. My Skinnard cover band had a gig that night.

8. I couldn't get someone at the border to cover my shift.

7. I waited at 1602 Pennsilvania avenue for like 5 hours!

6. I was on my way but my Hummer only gets 5 miles to the galon.

5. I didn't want to break my lunch date with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.

4. What, and miss Dr. Oz?

3. Zdeno Chara sneezed on me and I wound up in Kansas!

2. I thought we were meeting Osama!

1. Nah I'm just kidding, I knew it was Obama, I'm just a douche!

The All Former Habs Team

The Montreal Canadiens are without a doubt the most storied franchise in the National Hockey League. They boast an almost unreachable 24 Stanley Cups, a myriad of Hall Of Famers and of course, Scott Gomez.

Despite all of the success that the Canadiens have experienced over recent years the current generation of Montreal Canadiens fans have nothing too insane to celebrate about. The majority of Habs talk these days circles around who the Habs have compared to who the Habs used to have. It’s no secret that the Habs have stunted some players development over the years, players might have been self-entitled Europeans, misunderstood French Canadians or even misunderstood rest –of- Canadians.

Habs fans have undoubtedly spent countless drunken rants going over the players that were terrible on the Habs, were traded for nothing, and then went on to have success with their new team.

You’ve heard of the “All Habs Team” where experts have put together a team including the best Habs of all time…well, I did the research, I scoured the internets, and I put together the “All Former Habs Team”

I chose this team based on success with the Canadiens VS. success with new team, what the team got for said player and basic availability and since the list could go on and on and on I’m doing this post-lockout style….here we go folks.

Centers:

1st Line: Mikhail Grabovksi-Toronto Maple Leafs: The Habs let Grabovski go for a 2nd round pick that ended up being traded for Robert Lang. His deportation to Toronto was due to a combination of a sense of self entitlement combined with the fact that there was simply no room for him. He earns first line center honours because he has grown up, found his scoring touch…and did it all while playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

2nd Line: Mike Ribeiro-Dallas Stars: While he may miss the snow in Montreal he certainly hasn’t missed a beat in Dallas. Bottom line, he turned into the player we all wanted him to become in Montreal. What’s Janne Niinimaa doing these days?

3rd Line: Saku Koivu-Anaheim Ducks: I have no idea why the Habs let him go. Screw you Scott Gomez.

4th Line: Maxime Lapierre-Vancouver Canucks: How many of you wished he was still on the team during the Boston series?

Honourable Mentions: Tommy Pyatt-Tampa Bay Lightning, Jeff Halpern-Washington Capitals, Glen Metropolit, Switzerland. Mike Johnson,-TSN. Brian Smolinski-Wherabouts Unknown. Dominic Moore-Tampa Bay Lightning.

Wingers:

1st Line:

Michael Ryder-Dallas Stars: Ryder was the worst 30 goal scorer the Habs ever had, on top of this…he just won a cup with the Bruins. First liner for sure.

Guillaume Latendresse-Minnesota Wild: He was supposed to be the next big thing…he was…in terms of pants size.

2nd Line:

Sergei Kostitsyn-Nashville Predators: The return is now absolutely zero and he’s putting up very solid numbers with the predators. This one stings based on the fact that his brother is still on the team.

Alex Tanguay-Calgary Flames: I’d rather have Cammalleri anyways.

3rd Line:

Chris Higgins-Vancouver Canucks: Remember when he said he was going to score 40 goals? Ah Memories. New York and Florida couldn’t figure him out. Vancouver managed to turn him into a solid energy forward with scoring upside.

Matt D’Agostini-St. Louis Blues: He just scored his 3rd of the season in OT for the Blue last night. How’s Aaron Palushaj doing?

4th Line:

Tom Kostopoulos-Calgary Flames: High octane, high energy, high last name word content.

A Habs team wouldn’t be a Habs team without a non-scoring center playing the wing. One of my honourable mentions at Center will fill this role.

Honourable Mentions: Alex Kovalev-Space. Benoit Pouliot-Boston Bruins. Georges Laraque-Politics.

Defense:

1st Pairing:

Mark Streit-New York Islanders: Don’t you wish they still had him? Captaining the
Islanders right now.

Ryan McDonaugh-New York Rangers: He earns top pairing status because of what they got in return. Big time ouch.

2nd Pairing:

Roman Hamrlik-Washington Capitals: Enjoy that cup, Roman.

James Wisniewski-Columbus Blue Jackets: He’ll be great in Columbus, just hope he doesn’t…blow it *ba dum tss*

3rd Pairing:

Mike Komisarek-Toronto Maple Leafs: This is a jokes blog after all.

Ron Hainsey-Winnipeg Jets: Barely a Hab but could have been a solid reliable defenseman who would have probably been traded for nothing.

Honourable Mentions: Brent Sopel-Russia. Francis Bouillon-Nashville Predators. Paul Mara-Free Agent. Marc-Andre Bergeron-Tampa Bay Lightning. Ryan O’Byrn-Colorado Avalanche. Etc.

Goaltenders

Starting Goalie:
Jaroslav Halak-St. Louis Blues: While he isn’t having the stellar career most thought he would he is definitely the reason the Habs experienced their best showing since 1993…which a conference finals appearance, in case anyone forgot.

Backup Goalie:
Jose Theodore-Florida Panthers: Another man who misses the Montreal winters. He wont the Hart and Vezina in the same year. That’s ridiculous.

Honourable Mentions: Alex Auld-Ottawa Senators. Mathieu Garon-Tampa Bay Lightning. Cedric Desjardins-Colorado Avalanche. Cristobal Huet-France? Yann Danis-Edmonton Oilers.

With all of this amazing talent available, here is what the lineup would look like.
All Former Habs Team:

Latendresse-Grabovski-Ryder
Tanguay-Ribeiro-Kostitsyn
Higgins-Koivu-D’Agostini
Halpern-Lapierre-Kostopoulos

Streit-McDonaugh
Hamrlik-Wisniewski
Hainsey-Komisarek

Halak
Theodore

Now the question remains, Habs Laughs readers: Are they a playoff team?

Habs Celebrity Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: Hello and welcome back to Habs Celebrity Jeopardy! I am your host, Alex Trebek and in case you are wondering, yes I am only here because Pierre Gauthier saved my life in Tijuana in the summer of ’82.

We’re all set to begin Double Jeopardy, but first, let’s take a look at how our contestants did in the Jeopardy round.

Carey Price finished with an astonishing -10,458 Dollars.

Carey Price: Just chill man, it’s only pre-Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: I can assure you that the last round very much counted. Next we have P.K. Subban who managed to score a perfect 69 in the opening round.

P.K. Subban: Hehehe

Alex Trebek: Who wagers 69 on a daily double?

P.K. Subban: ppffffffhehehehe.

Alex Trebek: Is this because I keep saying 69?

P.K. Subban: *holding laugher* Yes sir.

Alex Trebek: I hate my life. Let’s move on to our final contestant, Scott Gomez, who has done surprisingly well and has amassed a total of 3,200 dollars for the Canadiens Children’s Foundation

Scott Gomez: That right Al-wait what?

Alex Trebek: You’ve raised 3,200 Doll-

Scott Gomez: No I heard that part, the last part about the charity.

Alex Trebek: Well Mr. Gomez, this is for charity….

Scott Gomez: I’m out.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez I can assure you, the children do need this money very much! You are contractually obligated to finish the show!

Scott Gomez: What about me? What about MY needs?! Who’s going to clean the pool filled to the brim with the tears of Habs fans everywhere if I don’t keep bringing in the dinero?

Alex Trebek: I don’t think I should have to remind you, but you are a multi millionaire who continues to make an average of 7 million dollars every year.

Scott Gomez: …..Let’s play Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: If you’re watching this, please stop.

Let’s take a look at the categories!

We have: YOUR JERSEY NUMBER, MONTREAL, ALASKAN MEXICAN RELATIONS

Scott Gomez: NICE!

Alex Trebek: THE NHL, EXPERTS EXCHANGE, for this one we will be talking about general managers and the trades they’ve made and finally; SAY THIS WORD, I don’t think I can explain it any better than that.

P.K., I believe you have control of the board.

P.K. Subban: I’LLTAKEMONTREALFOR400ALEX!!!!

Alex Trebek: My God! It’s like your mother’s breastmilk was infused with Red Bull! Here is the answer: This is the Hockey team that plays in Montreal.

*BEEP BEEP*

Alex Trebek: Mr. Price?

Carey Price: Who are the Washington Capitals?

Alex Trebek: *stares blankly*….

…..

…..

The Washington Capitals is the team that plays in Montreal?

Carey Price: You didn’t say ‘who are’

Alex Trebek: for the love of God, someone kill me now.

Matt Cooke: Ok fine, turn around.

Alex Trebek: I WAS KIDDING!

Matt Cooke: Aw.

Alex Trebek: THE MONTREAL CANADIENS are the team that plays in Montreal.

Mr. Subban it’s still your board

P.K. Subban: I’LLTAKEALASKANMEXICANRELATIONSFOR2000ALEX!!!!

Alex Trebek: gah! For the love of all that is holy, tone it down!

P.K. Subban: ALWAYSON!!!!

Alex Trebek: The Answer: This is the Alaskan Mexican who plays for the Montreal Canadiens.

*BEEP BEEP*

Alex Trebek: Mr. Subban?

P.K. Subban: WHO IS SPEEDYGONZALEZBUTHE’SALSOACRABFISHERMAN!?

Alex Trebek: I’m not even going near that one, anyone else?

….

Anyone?

Perhaps someone who is playing this game right now?

*BEEP BEEP*

Mr. Gomez!?

Scott Gomez: Who is Carey Price?!

Alex Trebek: NO!!

Scott Gomez: GAH!! It was a trick question!

Alex Trebek: No, it wasn’t the answer was you!!

Scott Gomez: Well when you say it like that you make me look like an idiot.

Alex Trebek: Why don’t you take control of the board?

Scott Gomez: sounds good! I’ll take Expert Sex Change for 400 please.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez that clearly reads Experts Exchange.

Scott Gomez: You know who could go for an Expert Sex Change? That Alex Burrows dude. He’s always…chomping on extremities and….diving down to the lower body area….he wouldn’t even have to change his name.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez, I-

Carey Price: Because Alex is a girls name too.

Scott Gomez: True say.

Alex Trebek: IT SAYS EXPERTS EXCHANGE!!!! ALRIGHT! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy!

The category is: Where do you play Hockey?

*Jeopardy theme begins playing*

You can write down; Montreal….Canada…..the world….a rink…anything!

And time is up! Let’s put an end to this, shall we?

Mr. Price, your answer?

Annnd he’s asleep!

Carey Price: zzzzzzNo PK, that’s not the kind of triple low 5 I was talking aboutzzzzzzzzzz

Alex Trebek: I am going to have nightmares about that for years!

Mr. Subban?

That….appears to be a picture of you standing next to Los Angeles Kings forward Mike Richards…well in some strange way that counts…what did you wager?

Annnd the picture is you pulling out his brain directly from his head, charming.

P.K Subban: IHADALOTOFFUNTODAYALEX!

Alex Trebek: You probably have fun when you watch paint dry! Mr. Gomez?

You wrote… ‘Ice’…well, that’s brilliant, please tell me you wagered something good!

….You wagered negative One Billion Dollars?!

Scott Gomez: Screw the kids! Now they owe me money!

Alex Trebek: You horrible, horrible man.

Thank you all for joining us tonight, I am going to go stand next to a stanchion and hope it attracts Zdeno Chara.

Tweet Tens!!

For your enjoyment, a massive amount of Tweet Tens!

Tweet Ten signs the nfl lockout is over

10.The CFL folds
9.Dancing with the stars loses half its upcoming cast.
8.Brett Favre comes out of retirement
7.Brett Favre retires
6.EA sports scraps the release of "NFLPA Lockout Negotiations 12"
5.Fans forget that Hockey, Baseball and Basketball exist.
4.The Bills are already 0-5
3.Plaxico Burris is forced to resign as president of the NRA.
2.Chad ochoconco inexplicably starts throwing tea in Boston Harbour
1.You can still hear Gary Bettman's cursing from miles away.

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Tweet Ten ways to get rid of Scott Gomez

10. Convince Sarah Palin to bring him on as her running mate.
9. Tell him he's been traded to the Atlanta Thrashers and hope he doesnt read the newspaper.
8. One word: Stanchion
7. Buy him out..and by buy him out I mean blindfold him, gag him, put him in a box and ship him to Antarctica
6. Tell him the NHL is now paying all of their players in Pesos.
5.Invoke his 'no frealoader' clause that you are 100% sure was in his contract all along.
4.Tell Brian Burke that he had a 'truculantoplasty'
3.Sign him up for 'deadliest catch' behind his back. He's alaskan he for sure knows how to crab fish!
2.Tell the Boston Bruins his dad is Gary Bettman
1. Position him so that his blindside faces Matt Cooke

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Tweet Ten things Ochocinco did while in Montreal

10. OD at least once on Poutine.
9. Ask everyone within earshot what the hell an Alouette is.
8. Out of sheer confusion, will beat the crap out of Youppi
7.Will spend 3 days furiously trying to roll the Orange Julep onto Decarie.
6. Will receive no less that 5 tickets for turning right on a red.
5.Win an NDP seat.
4.Shatter every CFL receiving record...in one quarter
3. carry on the tradition on being a visiting athlete in montreal by having george laraque publicly announce that he won't fight him.
2.Will angrily tweet about having to wait in line at Schwartz's
1. Legally change his name to Huit-Cinq

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Tween Ten ways the Canucks, Bruins, and Lightning are passing the time while waiting for the Detroit/San Jose series to end.

10. Since the Sedins aren't panning out, Alain Vigneault is going on a worldwide search for Ryan Kessler's lost twin.
9. Ryan Kessler has been continuously sending Jonothan Toews "Hello from the playoffs, wish you were here" postcards to Jonothan Toews
8. In an effort to stay hydrated, Zdeno Chara drank 2/3 of the Atlantic Ocean.
7. Martin St. Louis made a 'how be really good at Hockey while being 5'1' video for David Desharnais
6. Roberto Luongo and Maxim Lapierre played some intra-mural soccer games...so they wouldn't get out of practice.
5. Tim Thomas gave a lecture on 'How to be the best at what you do despite having absolutely no technical skill related to your trade'
4. Chris Higgins bought houses in every NHL city, just in case.
3. Andrew Ference got himself a brand new set of gloves in hopes of avoiding any more malfunctions.
2.Claude Julien has not stopped practicing his 'There is no way in hell that tha was a penalty' face.
1. Steven Stamkos took over for Manny Ramirez in Right Field

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Tweet Ten Signs you're getting traded at the MLB Trade Deadline

10. You're batting 10th
9. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in cash.
8. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in minor league pitchers.
7. The only sign your base coaches give you is the middle finger.
6. You put on your Yankees jersey before your game, but you play for the Padres.
5. Instead of a paycheck your manager hands you a plane ticket.
4.Your GM asks you if you're afraid of Green Monsters
3. Instead of batting practice, your Manager makes you undergo 'Getting on a plane and flying to another city' practice'
2.Your pitching coach asks you if you know how to hit.
1.The trade deadline was 3 weeks ago and all of these things just happened to you.

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Tweet ten things you missed during the MLB All Star Game.

10. Actual All-Stars
9. Robinson showing off his wood
8. The Rock performing a dramatic re-enactment of Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit.
7.Alex Kovalev looking for a job explaining that he's really good at doing nothing for 1/9th of the game
6. The entire 94 expos team simultaneously punching Bud Selig in the face.
5.Roy Halladay getting pulled in favor of a pitch machine in the 4th
4. Big Papi moonwalking the bases after a home run
3. Product placement alert! Robinson Cano walks up to the plate with the worlds largest slim jim
2. Mascot mud wrestling
1.Jose Bautista juggling 12 balls and reciting shakespeare while balancing a 1972 Thunderbird on his head

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Tweet Ten signs your league is in a lockout

10. You turn on ESPN and Hockey is on
9. You contemplate going to the CFL for one one millionth of a second, as opposed to not contemplating it at all.
8. You try to be a dual sport athlete but you skate worse than Patrice Brisebois.
7. You lose your Gatorade sponsorship to those underage Chinese gymnasts from the Olympics.
6. A rapper writes a song about your team called ‘Fat and Mellow’
5. The Clippers are a .500 team
4. You receive an offer to go to Europe to play football but are extremely confused when you show up and everyone is playing soccer.
3. You realize there are a lot more chances to shoot yourself in the leg.
2. Your days spent napping and playing X box seem less fulfilling.
1. You hold a one hour long special on NBC called ‘The decision: Breakfast’

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Tweet Ten signs the Impact are moving to the MLS

10. They hired Youppi.
9. Half their players now go only by their last name.
8. They're bringing in Maxim Lapierre as an assistant coach.
7. Your house is full of Saputo Cheese but you have no idea how it got there.
6. RDS televises their first soccer game in network history
5. You start paying attention to Noel Butler
4. The Als no longer have 15 'on call' backup kickers
3. You find out that Toronto has a whole other demographic of fans for you to hate.
2. The team announces the signing of a new forward-Tierry Henri-Bourassa
1. They're changing their name to FC Montreal United City

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Tweet Ten signs your team just re-located

10. The local Applebees stops giving you stuff for free.
9. Tons of people from a city you've never heard of start following you on twitter
8. You walk into your GMs office and you see the team mascot's head mounted on his wall.
7. People haven't stopped asking you if you know how to drive a dog sled.
6. Your real estate agent just sold your house but you didn't even put it on the market.
5.Your cell phone just told you that you are 'roaming'
4.Half of your team just signed in the KHL.
3.Your GM calls you to remind you that you have a no trade clause.
2.You tune in to sports center to find live coverage of Gary Bettman crying.
1.Your team and its current city just ended their relationship on facebook

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Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs

10. Ryder? I barely know her!
9. Kesler is not diving, he's extreme plaking.
8. Scott Gomez can afford to buy this sign over 8 Trillion times.
7. Flyers goaltending can't even save a nintendo game.
6. Matin St. Louis can't see over this sign.
5. Hey Seguin, I have more eyes than you have shifts!
4. HELP I'm caught in one of Kyle Wellwood's chins!!
3. Either Sedin, will you marry me?
2. If you can read this sign you aren't Milan Lucic
1.This sign has more personality than Jacques Martin

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Tweet ten best moments of the Habs 2010-2011 season.

10. When Maxim Lapierre got traded and nobody noticed or cared.
9. When Carey Price wore the same mask for a record 5 consecutive games!
8. When Scott Gomez elected to give everyone in the Bell Centre an equal stake in his salary-376.06
7. When PK Subban scored a Hat Trick and caused Mike Richards to jump out a window
6. That game against Carolina when Paul Mara's beard made Jeff Skinner wet himself
5.When Josh Gorges reluctantly admitted that he was human.
4. When Ken Dryden jumped Alex Auld in an alley and forced him to add a tribute to him on his mask at knifepoint.
3. When we all found out what Stanchions were.
2. When nobody cared about the Halak game.
1. When the NHL rewarded Mike Cammalleri with a game off after he killed the deadly spider on Nino Niedereiter's ankle.

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Probable Scenes From the 2011 NHL Entry Draft

Well, the NHL draft is tomorrow night and if Twitter doesn’t spoil the whole thing we should be in for a treat.

GMs have been actually earning their pay (I’m looking at you, Paul Holmgren) by exploding the trade market wide open on Friday afternoon (One way to avoid a lockout: make the cap ceiling so damn high that everyone is happy). The draft will be just as it has been the past few years, with TSN making is seem like every player is way better than they actually are (unless your name is Stephen Stamkos) and with every team mysteriously having the name of the player they select on their jersey seconds after they announce the kid’s name.

I am not a psychic, but I can make predictions, keep reading if you want to see some probably scenes from tomorrow night’s NHL draft.

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Brian Burke: Oh hey there Bryan, what’s up?

Bryan Murray: Oh Um Hi Brian, nothing much.

Brian Burke: Nooothing, hey you know what I just realised? We have the same first name!

Bryan Murray: Oh yeah, except my name is spelled with a ‘Y’ and yours is with an ‘I’

Brian Burke: Well then I guess that’s ‘Y’ you’re such a great dude!

Bryan Murray: hahahaha! You know Brian, you’re a pretty good guy.

Brian Burke: Well thanks, hey, by the way...who are you drafting?

Brian Murray: Well I was going to dra-WAIT A MINUTE! I won’t fall for that again!

Brian Burke: Damn, I’ll get you Bryan! Who the hell spells ‘Brian’ with a ‘Y’ anways!?

Later on...

Brian Burke: With the 25th pick in the 2011 entry draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs are proud to select...whoever the Ottawa Senators are going to take with their next pick.

Bryan Murray: OH COME ON!

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Gary Bettman: We have a trade to announce.

The crowd gets excited.

Gary Bettman: The Colorado Avalan-

*From the crowd* Bob McKenzie: I tweeted that like, 20 minutes ago.

Gary Bettman: Oh, um...well The Da-

Bob McKenzie: That one too.

Gary Bettman: Jesus! How about...the Anah-

Eklund: Even I tweeted that.

Gary Bettman: F*Beep*ck Twitter.

Eklund: It was an E5!

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Peter Chiarelli: So, why are you here again?

Zdeno Chara: Protection.

Peter Chiarelli: I don’t understand.

Zdeno Chara: You insist to bring cup with you everywhere, owners want me to be bodyguard.

Peter Chiarelli looks behind him at the Stanley cup, which has a leash around it.

Peter Chiarelli: That seems fair, what’s with that thing?
Zdeno shifts to the left revealing a stanchion propped up against a wall.

Zdeno Chara: Weapon of choice.

Peter Chiarelli: Ah.

Mike Gillis: Got any Sedins?

Glen Sather: You’re the only one who has Sedins, go fish.

Mike Gillis: Damn.

Jim Rutherford: Hey Glen, got any Staals?

Glen Sather: *Sigh* yeah. 2.

Jim Rutherford: Nice! Hey Pierre, any Staals?

Pierre Gauthier: No, but I’ll give you a Gomez for free! *Looks around* Anyone? Crap. Go fish Jim.

Jim Rutherford: I got Jordan! FISH UPON MY WISH, AND A SET! 4 Staals!

Ray Shero: Wait didn’t I have a Staal? You cheated!

All: F*beep*ck you Ray.

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Paul Holmgren: So we’re all set, Brian Boucher and Aaron Asham for the first overall pick.

Steve Tambellini: Hmm, I don’t know...and isn’t Asham in Pittsburgh?

Paul Holmgren: You need a goalie, and Boucher is a goalie.

Steve Tambellini: Well, I can’t argue with that logic. I just think the 1st overall pick is worth more than him.

Paul Holmgren: *waves his hand* You WILL trade me the first overall pick.

Steve Tambellini: I WILL TRADE YOU THE FIRST OVERALL PICK.

Paul Holmgren: Eeeexcellent.

Pierre Gauthier: So let me get this straight, you can make a trade...even without your team sustaining a massive injury to your star player, OR because your token French Canadian has started to suck and you need a new one?

Mike Gillis: Yes.

Pierre Gauthier: Well I’ll be!

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Ken Holland: I don’t know, it just happens.

Garth Snow: Just happens you say? Well, it sounds to me like you won’t be needing picks for round 1 through 5.

Ken Holland: No, we’re going to keep them.

Garth Snow: But come onnn I got burnt by Nabokoovvvv, my best player is Matt Moulssoooon. Please? I’ll trade Streit! He’s Swedish...or something.

Ken Holland: Swiss.

Garth Snow: Whatever something French.

Ken Holland: Goodbye Garth.

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Pierre Gauthier: Hey man, welcome to the League!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Oh, thanks Pierre.

Pierre McGuire: I don’t know if you know this, but um...I generally manage the Montreal Canadiens.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: I know, it says so on the sign you’re holding.

Pierre Gauthier: How did that get there? Anyways, I want to shoot a little offer your way, get your feet wet with the big boys.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Are you trying to push Scott Gomez on me?

Pierre Gauthier: No!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Because everyone keeps telling me you’re going to do that and I should run away.

Pierre Gauthier: Who said that? Yzerman? He’s a kidder!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Yzerman was one, Bowman, Niewendyk, Fletcher, Maloney, Armstrong..

Pierre Gauthier: Umm..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: McFee, Sherman, Lombardi, Feaster, Lamouriello, Regier...

Pierre Gauthier: er..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: And Burke.

Pierre Gauthier: Wel...thank you for your time Kevin.

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James Duthie: Well this is a surprise! We are getting information that Sidney Crosby will be personally selecting the next pick for the Pittsburgh Penguins! Looks like he’s healing nicely from his massive concussion!

Sidney Crosby: With the next pick, the Pittsbin Pengoons are proud to select, from the Bradnor Sneak Fiends in the Oh Ache Elle, Habana Shabanahabadoo.

James Duthie:....Uh....We’ll be right back.

Carey Price-The Most Interesting Man in the NHL

Not much can be said about the soft spoken goaltender for the Montreal Canadiens, but he has led a very, very, very interesting life.




He is not the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, because Jesus Christ isn’t this good at Hockey.

His glove side is a black hole for Hockey pucks.

When cows see him on a horse, they tie themselves up.

Picasso rose from the dead to design him a new mask.

He has never made a routine save.

He wrote the lyrics to the Big Mac jingle.

His post-win poses can be seen from space.

Cabbies pay him for the privilege to drive him around.

The triple low five prevents the universe from exploding

He invented the Knucklepuck.

PK Subban does not have 2 younger brothers, he cloned PK Subban...and then cloned PK Subban’s clone.

He did not kill Osama Bin Laden, because everyone expected him to.

He persuaded Alexei Yemelin to come to North America by sending him a picture of himself with his arms crossed.

He hates Puck Bunnies, but loves Puck Alpacas.

Mark Zuckerberg is still waiting for him to accept his friend request.

He convinced the Penguins to lose their series so that Matt Cooke had no chance of playing another game this season.

He has seen the future and 1967 is still a thing there too.

He knows he is in the Matrix.

He convinced Chris Bosh to go to the Miami Heat, just so everyone would stop caring about Chris Bosh

The Montreal Impact are named after his Johnson.

He putts with a pool cue.

He has never written an autobiography, but he has written several manualbiographies.

He knew about Lando the moment he laid eyes on him.

He owns a time share with Barak Obama, Steve Jobs, and The Dalai Lama...on The Moon.

He can spell Schwarzenegger, but he won’t.

Carey Price: I don’t always fight, but when I do, I prefer Tim Thomas

Tweet Ten Predictions for the 2011 MLB Season

Special Baseball edition of the Tweet Ten-Yeah...I can make fun of Baseball players too.

10. Manny Ramirez will show up to White Sox opening day because even he forgot he signed with the Rays.

9.Jose Bautista will not repeat his dream season due to the fact that Vernon Wells is no longer around to give him his special 'power bars'

8.Tim Lincecum will finally get all those jokes everyone keeps making about his last name. OR: Similar to the Mitchell Report-Tim Lincecum will release a list of every player he has ever smoked up with.

7. To make a statement, 20,000 Expos fans will head to DC to make their presence known at a Nationals game-5,000 will instantly head home due to the fact that it's not 1$ hot dog night.

6.After years of decision making, Phil Coke will sign a sponsorship deal with Coca Cola, who narrowly beat out the entire country of Columbia.

5.To outdo the Yankees, the Rays will make Johnny Damon shave all of his body hair right before his first at bat.

4.After an off-season of English lessons, the Yankees second baseman will let everyone know that his last name is actually pronounced 'Canoe'

3. Due to pressure from the front office Ron Halliday will get his PhD-adhering to the Phillies' 'literal nickname' policy.

2. Albert Pujols will cause an uproar when he gets rid of his batting gloves and starts using the 'Moises Alou Method' for grip.

1.The MLB will retire Youppi's Exclamation Mark.