Saturday, May 25, 2013

Puck Daddy-Sens Eulogy

A little while ago Andrew Berkshire of Habs Eye On The Prize approached me and asked me to help him write the Puck Daddy Eulogy for the Ottawa Senators. Obvioulsy I said yes and we started it 2 weeks before they lost to the Pens because we're prepared douchebags. Here's the Eulogy, enjoy!

Monday, March 25, 2013

NHL House Sigils

So I'm a pretty large fan of the Song of Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones series...and I am also a pretty large fan of the NHL. I thought I'd combine the two by creating a house Banner and Sigil for each NHL team. I hope you enjoy! Shout out to twitter user @habarnac for the link to the Banner maker.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

So I went to a Hockey game in the UK...

So I went to a Hockey game in the UK...

As you probably know, (mainly because I don’t stop complaining about the time change) work has relocated to me to the UK. 

I have been over here since the beginning of January and over the past few months I have been enjoying and immersing myself into the British culture and definitely not spending my time watching hours and hours of Hockey highlights that I couldn’t watch live. 

This isn’t going to be a long complaint riddled dissertation about a Hockey starved expat who stays up until 3 AM to watch the Habs/Devils game…no…this is going to be complaint riddled dissertation about a Hockey starved expat who stays up until 3 AM watching the Habs/Bruins game. 

The Devils are boring. 

Seriously though. Life hasn’t been too terrible from a Hockey perspective because of this fancy new invention called the internet (which apparently is sticking around). 

The only thing that I really miss is going to the Bell Centre and watching a live game. 

Michel Lacroix giving me Goosebumps, Charles Prevost-Linton making me wish I could pull of a perm, Coldplay putting me into a trance that I can only compare to what I assume doing Meth feels like. The expensive hot dogs, the expensive pizza and the inexplicable lack of Poutine, the meetings with my financial advisers months in advance to work out a budget plan then figuring out I have to take out a loan, sell my condo in that up and coming neighborhood near the Bureau En Gros near Namur Metro that is still being built, selling my certified pre-owned 2002 Dodge Neon that I just bought 3 weeks ago just to buy a can of Molson Ex.

And also the Hockey or whatever.

Good times.

If someone tells me they started serving Poutine I’ll be on the next flight back. 
I figured I’d be the only Hockey fan for miles so you can imagine I felt just like residents of Tampa when they found out they had a Hockey team just after their Stanley Cup win when I found out that someone I work with and her husband are Hockey fans and go to games on occasion. 

It took about 2 months of jokingly talking about going to see a game before we started seriously talking about it. Short story short we bought 3 tickets to see the Coventry Blaze host the Belfast Giants do battle.

Coventry is about an hour north of Oxford, where I’ve been camping out during my stay here. 

It wouldn’t be the first time I’d drive an hour to see a Hockey game because for the past few years I have driven from the Miami area to middle of nowhere Sunrise, Florida to watch the Habs play the Panthers. Nice rink, absolute middle of nowhere. Worse than Kanata.

They play in the EIHL aka the Elite Ice Hockey League which is the UK’s top Hockey League.

It has 10 teams mainly located in Northern UK of which, along with the two I mentioned above, are the league leading Nottingham Panthers (wasted opportunity to call themselves the Sheriffs) and the Cardiff Devils where Biznasty scored 21 points in 11 games during the lockout.  (the most recent one)

I don’t want to talk too much about the teams themselves because if you wanted to know you can use that thing called the internet to find out but I will go into it a little bit.

The majority of both rosters are Canadian sprinkled with random European players as well as a few UK talents. 

From the one game I watched, the Giants notables were Andrew Fournier (4 years with Plymouth in the OHL, bounced around the ECHL for a few years) and Chad Langlais (U of Michigan, bounced around the minors). Theo Fleury played for the Giants during the 05-06 season. He scored 74 points in 34 games. 

For the home team Coventry Blaze, their notables were Captain Shea Guthrie (drafted in the 3rd round by the Islanders in the 2005 draft) and 6’4 Adam Henrich (2nd round pick of the Lightning in the 2002 draft).

The Giants beat the Blaze 4-2 which was a bummer for the home crowd fans in the mostly packed 3,000 seat Coventry Skydome. This was definitely not a bummer for the 40ish Giants fans who came in all the way from Belfast to watch their beloved team. They sat in the away fan section much like you would find at a Football/Soccer game. This was awesome and NHL rinks need to adopt this concept. I was surprised when the arena filled itself but was even more surprised to find that on top the stands being full the team also allows fans to cram up against the glass and watch the game from there. Scary close.

The Blaze fans were fantastic. Not only knowledgeable but frantic, excited and passionate. They individually and collectively pointed out shortcomings and cheered on their team's success. Massive ups to the fans in Coventry, you impressed me more than anything else. 

The quality of the game was what you would expect. I’m not going to sugar coat anything, it was far from the best Hockey I’ve seen but you could tell that the majority of the players there really cared and were playing out of a combination of necessity and love for the sport. 

The Giants were the better team without question. They had properly executed plays, a solid system and the talent to pull it off. 

The Blaze were a step behind but they held their own. They are definitely aware that Guthrie and Henrich were their two best players that night and did what they could to build around that. The one breakout that didn’t involve the defenseman launching the puck from behind his own net to a winger at the far blue line for a tip in then chase resulted in a Guthrie snipe that was the goal of the night.

The Blaze definitely held their own and dominated the early goings of the game but just couldn’t keep up with what I assume is a much better Giants team (23 points ahead of them in the standings).

Now enough about the game, hope I didn’t lose you. Time to focus on the atmosphere, the qualities that made this game undeniably British and the similarities that unified the game with its North American counterpart.

We walked in during the warm-ups. We spent the first 5 minutes trying to spot former Hab Gregory Stewart, who currently plays for the Giants. Turns out he was scratched which ruined my plan of banging on the glass like a 5 year old for ten minutes hoping to get his attention and show him the Habs shirt that I was wearing. Lame.

After that the first thing I noticed was the rafters. Turns out the Blaze have a history and they’re not opposed to honoring it just as any NHL team would, by hanging up banners in their rafters. They had about 15 banners commemorating championship teams and retired numbers. 

We did a tour of the rink, past the concessions that sold tea, coffee, hot dogs and curry. Yes, curry, which was a shade of red so loud it would have made Lindy Ruff proud. 

We also stepped into the arena Bar…called Crosby’s. Definitely not a coincidence. The bar had a good vibe and had a Bob Probert Wings Jersey hanging next to an Islanders Fisherman Jersey. I am not making this up, best bar décor I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find a bar with better jerseys hanging in it.
We had accidentally bought my favorite seats (about 15 rows up in the corner) so I was happy when we sat down and took in the end of the warm-up.

Now about the jerseys. They were decked out in sponsorships which was expected but what I thought was a nice touch was the Blaze players sporting patches of their home country on their chest.

When the game was about to start the lights cut out and a light show that I can only compare to Saturday night at Rose Bowl (Disco Bowling for you non-Montrealers) started. After that the game’s Emcee skated onto the ice in jeans and got the crowd riled up with the mascot (when I say “Coventry” you say “Blaze”)

I went over the game itself above but I want to mention some quirks that I found made the night that much better.

-Halfway through the first period: “Will the owner of a silver Insert Car Name Here please go to the ticket counter immediately.” That blew my mind.

-Danish Blaze Goalie Peter Hirsch had a mask that resembled the one that Carey Price wore during the last Heritage Classic. Freaked me out every time he made a save.

-Every time the Giants scored the DJ would play songs appropriate to the situation including “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” and “That don’t Impress Me Much”.

-Halfway through the second period they played a punk version of The Hockey Song. RIP Stompin Tom.

-There was a surprising amount of NHL merchandise in the stands including: Two Leafs jerseys, two Bruins jerseys, 4 Penguins jerseys, a Rangers jersey, a Sharks jersey, a Red Wings jersey and hat, a Chiefs Hansen jersey and a little kid wearing a Ryan Miller Sabres jersey that I beat up because the Habs played the Sabres last night and I don’t mess around.

Outside of the game itself the most entertaining parts of the night were the intermissions. During the first intermission they had a Tug of War. I’m not shitting you here, they actually had Tug of War on the ice. 

Within the first 2 seconds half of one team had hilariously fallen down and was being dragged by the other team while feebly trying to get up. I should probably mention that the Benny Hill theme song was playing throughout the duration of the war thus culminating the most British thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It was fantastic, kudos to the Blaze, everyone loved it.

During the second intermission they put on what they called the Duck Chuck. 

The Duck Chuck is what the play that Charlie Conway drew up in D2 should have been called. What a waste.

The real Duck Chuck consisted of people trying to throw Rubber Duckies into kiddie pools located on the ice surface. It was very yellow. Nobody won.

The thing that I found the most interesting about the night had to do with a sponsorship angle that I had never seen before.

This would make Michael Yormark drool all over his middle of nowhere arena.

Each Blaze player was individually sponsored. Whenever they mentioned that player in any capacity (goal, assist, penalty etc.) they mentioned the sponsor before and after. I can definitely see some NHL teams doing this and I want a cut if this blog is the reason behind it.

Overall an awesome night in Coventry. I would definitely go back seeing as it only made me want to watch more live Hockey.

Good on the Blaze organization for putting on a good game for the fans, good on the teams for playing for it all given their circumstances.

Oh, and the reffing was absolute horse shit. It’s not just a North American thing.  

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Tweet Tens

Tweet Ten things Youppi! will do during a lockout.

10. Shave
9. Become Geoff Molson's personal Butler.
8. Appear in a series of Sesame Street episodes playing Elmo's Canadian cousin.
7. Participate in Survivor: Mascot Island
6. Rent himself out as a pillow for hire.
5. Learn to talk.
4. Will become the Alouettes Mascot after EndZone and Blitz mysteriously disappear.
3. Brag about being one of 3 Mascots in the MLB Hall of Fame
2. Haunt Jeffrey Loria.
1. Write an autobiography entitled: 50 Shades of Orange

Tweet Ten new Features found in NHL 13
10. The Edmonton Oilers now have the ability to draft defensemen.
9. Find the hidden Easter Egg that lets you push Gary Bettman down a flight of stairs.
8. Enter the code "daddyhelps" to lower penalty frequency for your team and raise it for your opponents-Only available while playing with the Bruins.
7. New realism while playing with Toronto: Make any trade you want to make, still finish 13th or worse.
6. Be A Pro mode now let's you choose whether or not you want to go to a bar at 2AM during the playoffs.
5. Be A GM Mode now has a "automatically the siblings of your star players" feature.
4. Choose Your Own Adventure CBA negotiations mode!
3. Integrate your game with NBA and Madden titles to make sure the other teams in your city lose so you become the most popular team in town.
2. Gauthier Mode-Your players disappear during games and the game itself costs $2000
1. Press ABAB after winning or losing a playoff series with Montreal to enter Fan Riot Mode. 

Tweet Ten Soccer Celebrations.

10. The Thierry Henry: Scores then refreshes himself by drinking a water bottle full of Irishmen's tears.
9. The Cristiano Ronaldo: Scores then kisses his own feet.
8. The Diego Maradona: Scores then thanks the big man upstairs.
7. The Ronaldo: Scores then eats an entire Birthday Cake.
6. The Landon Donovan: Scores then goes on a rant about how more people should pay attention to MLS.
5. The Fernando Torres: Scores then signs with another team for 3 times the money he's currently making.
4. The Lionnel Messi: Scores then performs open heart surgery while jumping over the grand canyon on a skateboard.
3. The Frank Ribery: Scores then continues to be the world's biggest badass.
2. The Mario Balotelli: Scores then punches the goalie in the face
1. The David Beckham: Scores then makes out with Posh Spice for 45 minutes

Tweet Ten Clauses Included in Max Pacioretty's Deal.

10. $5 per twitter follower.
9.  Unlimited access to the Youppi costume, no questions asked.
8.  8 Free wings from Cage Aux Sports every time the team scores 5 goals.
7. All of his goals must be announced by The Rock.
6. Penthouse in the Tours Des Canadiens.
5. If injured, he gets full control of the goal horn.
4. One Million Dollar Bonus every time he defies all odds and makes us feel awesome inside.
3. No Lockout Clause? Worth a try....
2. A No Trade Clause for Erik Cole
1. Season tickets for life for Mike Obrand AKA Habs Laughs. 

Tweet Ten Excuses given by the Norwegian Referee in the Canada/USA Semi Final.

10. You think I'm going to piss off Obama?
9. I was told that I can't let Maple Leafs fans experience winning.
8. Someone needed to get that country off of their Vancouver 2010 high horse
7. I hate Justin Bieber
6. They told me they would let Norway win at something...
5. I spent the entire match watching Dressage on my iPhone.
4. I was promised a Disneyland in Oslo!
3. I am terrified of Abby Wambach
2. I am equally terrified of Hope Solo
1. I'm Norwegian, I just found out what Soccer was like 2 hours ago.

Tweet Ten Improvements to Olympic Events.

10. Blindfold Archery
9. Shark infested Water Polo
8. 400 Meter running of the bulls.
7. Buttered Pole Vault
6. Javelin catch
5. Slamball
4. Pommel actual horse
3. Quadrathalon: Swimming, Biking, Running,
2. Alcoholic beverage Table Tennis AKA Beer Pong
1. Lightsaber Fencing

Tweet Ten fake Rick Nash quotes spoken after his trade to New York

10. "Pinch me!"
9. "Pinch me again!"
8. "So this is what happiness feels like"
7. That's all you got for me?"
6. "So...can I win now?"
5. "Wisniewski wanted me to ask you if he can come too"
4."When you say I've been traded to New mean the Rangers right?"
3."I'd like to thank the fan in Columbus for his continuous support"
2."Please inform Team Canada that I will be unavailable for next year's World Hockey Championship"
1. "Yes I definitely do believe in God"

Tweet Ten Donald Fehr reactions to the NHL's CBA proposal.

10. I'll tell you when he stops laughing.
9. I need to write them back, are there one or two Ps in "Work Stoppage"?
8. Hey everyone! Come and see this hilarious fake CBA proposal Bettman just sent me!
 7. Why is this handwritten in crayon?
6. That's it. I'm changing our Facebook relationship status to "Complicated"
5. At least we see eye to eye on the "we both want more money" issue.
 4.It appears as though the NHL owners are all on crack
3. Are you Franzen kidding me?
2. Who taught this guy how to negotiate? Montreal Students?
1. I guess Bettman is as dumb as he looks. 

Tweet Ten Little known facts about the MLB Home Run Derby
10. The gold balls weren't actually gold.
9. The fans weren't booing Cano because because he's a Yankee...oh wait...yes they were.
8. One of Trumbo's bombs is still in orbit.
7. $615,500 was donated to a suspicious charity called "definitely not Bud Selig's bank account"
6. When asked about his 1 HR Matt Kemp said "I don't care I'm still really, really rich"
5. Everyone let Fielder win because they felt really bad about his haircut.
4. Chris Berman was covered in BBQ sauce the entire time.
3. The pitchers weren't really trying.
2. Jose Bautista lost on purpose because he is contracually obligated to deny Toronto fans to feel happy about anything.
1. All of the kids in the outfield actually belonged to Vladimir Guererro
Tweet Ten things Gary Bettman says to you after you get drafted.
10. Does this suit make me look fat?
9. Maple Leafs? Tough break man.
8. Thank you for not Lindrosing
7. How does it feel to know that you might be traded to Colmbus at any moment?
6. Whatever you do don't piss off Zdeno Chara.
5. Ever been to Kansas City? No? Well better get a map.
4. Can you kneel down when we take the picture?
3. Remember, 3 headshots MAX.
2. I own you
1. For the love of God take the cardboard out of the hat before you put it on!
Tweet Ten Reasons why Therrien was hired.

10. Youppi put in a good word.
9. He makes a delightful Sangria.
8. He promises to be the Anti-Therrien from a few years ago.
7. Bribe? What bribe?
6. They really enjoyed his "Don't play Gomez" strategy.
5.  He won "Canadiens Coaching Candidate's Got Talent"
4. The dart landed on his name.
3. Goes by Michel AND Mike win/gagner!
2. Has already got all of his losing out of the way.
1. Second time's a charm!

Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

10. If the ref had another eye he'd be a cyclops
9. Hey Fleury, switch to Geico, you'll save more.
8. Dear Quebec, please take the Coyotes, they suck.
7. I had no idea the Panthers existed until 2 weeks ago.
6. My jock has more cups than your entire team.
5. Seguin, I've seen better hands on a digital clock
4. Radulov and Kostitsyn walk into a bar...
3. Africa sees more ice than Ovechkin.
2. Coupons save more than the Flyers Goalies.
1. This sign has more words than a Tortorella press conference
Tweet Ten things said between Tortorella and DeBoer during their
screaming match last night.

10. Nice suit, did your mother pick out your shoes too?
9.  Don't feel bad, a lot of people suck at coaching.
8. I just want to make things awkward for Pierre McGuire and Glen Healy.
7. You're such a bad coach you make Ron Wilson look like Mike Babcock
6. You Mother Father!
5. How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
4. I think that you are a very nice person!
3. Do you believe in God considering what he did to your face?
2. You're such a Gauthier.
1. KovalCHUK YOU!

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.

10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your won shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Brain Trust-Series Premiere

We open to Marc Bergevin’s new office on the 7th floor of the Bell Centre. The camera focuses on a simple desk, a series of chairs, a small lamp and a dartboard with Scott Gomez’s picture stapled to it.
Sitting around a table stationed at the far corner of the room are the members of new “Habs Brain Trust” consisting of Scott Mellanby, Rick Dudley, Larry Carriere, Patrice Brisebois, Martin Lapointe and of course, Marc Bergevin.
They appear to be engaged in intense and rapid conversation…let’s have a listen.

Marc Bergevin: And then he says “Don’t hire Larry Robinson”

All: *Laughter*

Marc Bergevin: He was serious.

Martin Lapointe: Wait…what?

Marc Bergevin: You know he signed in San Jose last week right? I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this story. Don’t you have phones? TVs?

Scott Mellanby: Yeah but I spend all of my time playing Draw Something and watching Storage Wars.

Marc Bergevin: You guys know you have jobs right?

Rick Dudley: Oh I know I have a job. Right now I’m planning to kidnap the Prime Minister’s daughter and hold her for ransom!

Marc Bergevin: That’s….not leg-

Rick Dudley: And then I’m going to make her fall in love with me!

Marc Bergevin: Does Harper even have a daugh-

Rick Dudley: And then, after she inevitably spurns my advances, I’m going to tie her up and leave her on railroad tracks! *he fingers his moustache* Nyehehehe!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly.

Marc Bergevin: Are you high?

Rick Dudley: As a kite!

Marc Bergevin: So you don’t actually think you’re an old timey villain?

Rick Dudley: Oh I most certainly do!

Scott Mellanby: I heard about this from Burke at the draft. Just ignore him until he comes back to earth.

Patrice Brisebois: Like Georges Laraque?

Scott Mellanby: Exactly.

Marc Bergevin: Alright, on to business then. As you may or may not have heard, I’m awesome.

Larry Carriere: Who said that?

Marc Bergevin: Doesn’t matter. The point is that we’re well on our way to recovering from the dark ages and I think that we’re making good headway into establishing ourselves as a legitimate organization within the NHL again.

Larry Carriere: I have to admit that things are a lot better since he who must not be named was fired.

Marc Bergevin: You’re right. And you know what that reminds me, why won’t you say Pier-

Larry Carriere: NO! Please don’t say his name. It’s not that a won’t say it…it’s more like I can’t say it.

Marc Bergevin: Why not?

Larry Carriere: I maybe kind of most definitely have developed a conditioned reflex to that name.

Marc Bergevin: Because he made your life a living hell for a year.

Larry Carriere: Yes. So I would really appreciate you not saying his name.

Marc Bergevin: Ok.

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Without warning, Carriere jumps across the table and punches Lapointe in the face.

Patrice Brisebois: Jesus!

Larry Carriere: I’m sorry, I warned him.

Marc Bergevin: You should probably see a shrink about that.

Larry Carriere: I’ve been to four. Two are pressing charges.

Marc Bergevin: Tabled?

Scott Mellanby: Tabled.

Patrice Brisebois: Tabled.

Rick Dudley: Tabled mmmyesssss!

Marc Bergevin: Anyways, As I was saying: Our image is improving but it’s still not up to where I want it to be. We’ve been trying to get our name out there in the media world but we haven’t been very successful.

Scott Mellanby: Family Feud was a disaster.

*The scene cuts to several members of the Canadiens on the hit TV gameshow Family Feud*

Steve Harvey: Well congratulations Brian, you did fantastic in the first round of Fast Money earning 170 points! It’s now up to you, Tomas, to get at least 30 points to win 50,000 for your charity!

Tomas Kaberle: I am ready Steve!

Steve Harvey: Alright, to go over the rules one more time, I will tell you a survey question and if you-

Tomas Kaberle: I watched this show all the time as a kid. I know the rules Steve.

Steve Harvey: Alright a pro! Here we go folks! 70 seconds on the clock! Name somewhere you drive to…

Tomas Kaberle:…..Pass.

Brian Gionta: Crap.

*Cut back to the office*

Patrice Brisebois: And we all know sending Desharnais to the Children’s hospital was a terrible idea.

*Cut to the Montreal Children’s Hospital*


*Cut back to the office*

Larry Carriere: And getting Emelin to work that kid’s birthday party was not smart.

*Cut to birthday party*

Alexei Emelin: Who want see dead body?!*

*Cut back to the office*

Marc Bergevin: So I think we can all agree that we should slow it down with the public appearances but I think we still need to tell the world that the old regime is over and that we’re back to the old Habs who love to win and be all in your face about it. Scott, what’s Twitter saying about us?

Scott Mellanby: Well, they want you to sign a top 6 forward.

Marc Bergevin: What? There were like none available!

Larry Carriere: What? There tons!

Marc Bergevin: No.

Scott Mellanby: Jagr, Whitney, Parenteau-

Marc Bergevin: They’re no-

Larry Carriere: Parise, Hudler-

Marc Bergevin: I don’t se-

Scott Mellanby: Semin and Doan are still available

Patrice Brisebois: Latendresse called us like 6 times!

Marc Bergevin: THANK YOU, TEAM!

Scott Mellanby: I’m just saying…

Marc Bergevin: I have a plan, alright?

Patrice Brisebois: Do tell.

Rick Dudley: Yeah, tell us!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly again.

Rick Dudley: Oh I came back during the flashbacks.

Marc Bergevin: Good lord…anyways, I can’t tell you what my plan is because it has to be super secret or else it’s going to get messed up. Can you guys trust me, do your jobs, and just let it play out?

Rick Dudley: That seems fair. In Toronto Burke’s plan was to keep trading crap to Jay Feaster until the team made the playoffs.

Scott Mellanby: That’s alright with me, I have no idea what my actual job is anways. I just show up and play Draw Something and-

Marc Bergevin: Watch Storage Wars, I got it.

Patrice Brisebois: And I will keep telling the youth of this team how to be successful in Montreal until you earn your big contract!

Marc Bergevin: And also after they’ve earned their big contract too.

Patrcie Brisebois: Um, yeah…after too!

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Larry Carriere: GAAAHHH!!!

*The Camera fades to black*

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pierre Gauthier and Marc Bergevin: A Comparison

                                                                          "I am smiling"

Pierre Gauthier and Marc Bergevin: A Comparison.

Fact: Marc Bergevin is the exact opposite of Pierre Gauthier.
Fact: 95% of Habs fans are happy about Bergevin being the new GM because he represents the return of class, smarts and all around niceness to the organization.
Fact: 5% of Habs fans are morons.
Marc Bergevin is the light at the end of the tunnel and Habs fans indeed feel like they’re in heaven after going through 2ish years of pure hell.
While Habs fans were quick to cut the cord connecting Gauthier to the Habs I want to go back for one more drag through mud…considering that’s what Gauthier did to the Canadiens during his time as Supreme Overlord of the team.  
Gauthier and Bergevin couldn’t be more different, here are some comparisons to prove just how different they actually are.

Marc Bergevin: Is very patient and friendly to the media. He graciously answered questions and made himself available for public appearances.
Pierre Gauthier: You paid for that cookie, right?

Marc Bergevin: Will be patient and tactical while exploring trade avenues with other General Managers throughout the league.
Pierre Gauthier: Swears that is was Gainey’s idea to trade Ryan McDonagh

Marc Bergevin: Has 20 years as an NHL player, time as an assistant coach, head of player development and Assistant General Manager on his impressive resume.
Pierre Gauthier: Has worked for the IRS, been a dentist specializing in root canals and was the General Manager of the Ottawa Senators.

Marc Bergevin: Is an overall nice guy.
Pierre Gauthier: Took the term “Nice guys finish last” way too seriously.

Marc Bergevin: Is a huge fan of the Bee Gees.
Pierre Gauthier: Gives everyone the heebeegeebees.

Marc Bergevin: Has a great sense of humour often being cited as a fantastic practical joker.
Pierre Gauthier: Idea of a joke is trading Mike Cammalleri for Rene Bourque. Get it?

Marc Bergevin: Is not a big drinker but does enjoy going for a few beers with his buddies every now
and then.
Pierre Gauthier: Drinks a glass full of Habs fans’ tears every night before bed.

Marc Bergevin: Knows this is a bit weird but loves drinking soft drinks through a straw.
Pierre Gauthier: Just sucks.

Marc Bergevin: Believes that the key to winning is by playing as a team.
Pierre Gauthier: Winning?

Marc Bergevin: Is all for the natural progression of the sport of Hockey.
Pierre Gauthier: Wants the red line added back in and thinks there’s too much shot blocking going on.

Marc Bergevin: Brings a breath of fresh air to the Canadiens organization.
Pierre Gauthier: Usually needs a breath of fresh air due to his head being up his own ass 90% of the time.

Marc Bergevin: Is keeping his distance from the student protestors, his business is Hockey.
Pierre Gauthier: Was overheard saying “Hey, aren’t those fees a bit too high?” to Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois.

Marc Bergevin: Is heavily invested in the future of the organization.
Pierre Gauthier: Is heavily invested in Facebook.

Marc Bergevin: Is spending time carefully searching for the perfect Head Coach.
Pierre Gauthier: Probably sits in first class while his wife and kids sit in coach.

Marc Bergevin: Doesn’t believe in quitting.
Pierre Gauthier: Doesn’t believe in quitting, he just does a terrible job and eventually gets fired.

Marc Bergevin: Wants to create a friendly repertoire with his players.
Pierre Gauthier: That will be $1,250, Mr. Cammalleri.

Marc Bergevin: Gives him a high five every time he runs into Youppi! in the hallway.
Pierre Gauthier: Yells “IT’S BACK” and runs away every time he runs into Youppi! in the hallway.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tweet Tens

I'm going to be getting back to updating the blog more regularly, until I can get something new up here are some recent Tweet Tens to satisfy your Habs Laughs appetite. You can listen to the Tweet Ten live on Tuesday nights on TSN 990 Radio.

Tweet Ten ways the Habs can make the playoffs
10. Fire the gangly, creepy, unprofessional dude who runs the front office, I'm not naming names so use your imagination.
9. Acquire an elite Italian/Jewish sniper who once scored 39 goals in one year.
8. Convince Bettman to expand the playoffs from 8 seeds to 13 seeds.
7. Play the Rangers at home 82 times
6. Go back in time and do whatever they can to prevent Bob Gainey from even thinking about acquiring Scott Gomez.
5. Shotgun a playoff spot!
4. Become the Boston Bruins
3. Sign Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer to long term contracts.
2. Win games
1. Ask me again in 2014.

Tweet Ten ways we can get the expos back
10. Free Henry Rodriguez Bobblehead to the first MLB franchise to relocate to Montreal
9. We spoke to every Montrealer and they all totally promised that they would all go to games this time around
8. City wide temper tantrum?
7. We'll stop bitching about 94
6. Youppi! will go on a hunger strike
5. Get Annakin Slayd to write another epic song about them.
4. We're open to sacrificing the Impact...
2. We'll drop the whole French thing if that's a dealbreaker
1. Ensure to the government and private investors that Carey Price and his 7,420 career saves will indeed be the team's closer.

Tweet Ten Excuses Tim Tomas gave for missing the White House ceremony.

10. I have never paid my taxes.
9. My Skinnard cover band had a gig that night.
8. I couldn't get someone at the border to cover my shift.
7. I waited at 1602 Pennsilvania avenue for like 5 hours!
6. I was on my way but my Hummer only gets 5 miles to the galon.
5. I didn't want to break my lunch date with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
 4. What, and miss Dr. Oz?
3. Zdeno Chara sneezed on me and I wound up in Kansas.
2. I thought we were meeting Osama!
1. Nah I'm just kidding, I knew it was Obama, I'm just a douche!

Tweet Ten Fake Habs Quotes from the 2011-2012 season

10. "If you spell Erik with a C one more time I'm going to play terribly, get traded for a 3rd liner and then score 30 goals for the Bruins next season"-Erik Cole
9. "Winning is overrated"-Jacques Martin
8. "I agree with everything the refs did tonight"-The Bell Centre Crowd
7. "Just warning you I have no idea how to skate backwards...or forwards"-Tomas Kaberle
6. "What's a Budaj?" Carey Price
5. "We're number one....five!!!" Pierre Gauthier
4. "X Men origins: Wolverine is losely based off my life" Max Pacioretty
3. "I only fight in practice because of our "not in the face" rule"- P.K. Subban
2. "I'm probably the smallest Double D you'll ever see"-David Desharnais
1. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I a figment of your imagination"-Andrei Markov

Tweet Ten reasons to keep watching the Canadiens
10. I hear they're going to retire Tomas Kaberle's number...and by "retire" I meant "throw in the garbage"
9. Rene Bourque might decide to try.
 8. PK Subban.
7. Wouldn't want to lose track of your "Chris Campoli Terrible play-O-Meter"
6. Scott Gomez might score. That's like the Halley's Comet of Hockey.
5. Steven Stamkos could hit 60 goal on Wednesday!
4. I hear Saturday is Gauthier Piñata night!
3. Cannot pass up the chance to watch Guy Boucher and Kirk Muller coach random south-east teams. 2. Who knows what the Toronto crowd will chant next?!
1. Brad Staubitz and Ryan White are going to fight a bear!

Tweet Ten signs the draft lottery is fixed

10. Gary Bettman tells Scott Howson to go home.
9. There's a Yakupov Blue Jackets jersey sitting on Jeff Tambellini's seat.
8. The lottery rules have been changed from "worst team has the best chance" to "Most Eastern American team has the best chance"
7. The Islanders GM is introduced as Garth "No chance in hell" Snow.
6. Halfway through the proceedings Sidney Crosby shows up and stares at Bettman with puppy dog eyes for 15 minutes.
5. There's only one ball.
4. A scandalous text message from Bettman to Ken Holland is revealed: "Got ur back xoxo"
3. Bettman asks Larry Carriere if he remembers what happened at Survivor Series '97
2. Peter Chiarelli shows up to personally pick the winner.
1. Brian Burke won't stop smiling

Tweet Ten Signs your playoff series is too violent

10. You notice that your enforcers gauntlets are actual medieval gauntlets.
9. Your team calls up prospect Chuck Lidell who has apparently been on the team the whole time.
8. Don Cherry calls it the best Hockey he's ever seen.
7. Your coach asks you if you ever seen "300"
6. The arena is out of usable stanchions.
5. Michael Buffer is your PA Announcer.
4. Claude Julien's head is the same color as a tomato.
3. Instead of a Hockey stick your star winger is using a Samurai Sword.
2. Daniel Carcillo comments "This series is too vioilent"
1. No clue, I play for the Devils or Panthers.

Tweet Ten Suggested New NBA Team Names.

10. The New Orleans At Least We're Not The Saints
9. The Philadelphia Cream Cheasers
8. The Toronto Maple Leafs (Gives another chance for the Leafs to win something)
7. The New York Lins
6. The Golden State Guess Where We Play
5. The Los Angeles We Also Existers
3. The Cleveland Please Come Backs
2. The Dallas Catch An All New Shark Tank This Thursday On ABC 9 Easten 8 Centrals
1. The Charlotte Michael Jordans

Tweet Ten More Appropriate names for Metta World Peace
10. Ron Artest
9. Anything but Metta World Peace
8. Insane-o the clown
7. Purple Monkey Dishwasher
6. Lamar Odom
5. The Elbower
4. Metta Polar Fleece
3. Douchebag
2. Uno Cinqo
1. The Basketball player formerly known as Metta World Peace

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.
10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your own shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?