Thursday, August 4, 2011

Habs Celebrity Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: Hello and welcome back to Habs Celebrity Jeopardy! I am your host, Alex Trebek and in case you are wondering, yes I am only here because Pierre Gauthier saved my life in Tijuana in the summer of ’82.

We’re all set to begin Double Jeopardy, but first, let’s take a look at how our contestants did in the Jeopardy round.

Carey Price finished with an astonishing -10,458 Dollars.

Carey Price: Just chill man, it’s only pre-Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: I can assure you that the last round very much counted. Next we have P.K. Subban who managed to score a perfect 69 in the opening round.

P.K. Subban: Hehehe

Alex Trebek: Who wagers 69 on a daily double?

P.K. Subban: ppffffffhehehehe.

Alex Trebek: Is this because I keep saying 69?

P.K. Subban: *holding laugher* Yes sir.

Alex Trebek: I hate my life. Let’s move on to our final contestant, Scott Gomez, who has done surprisingly well and has amassed a total of 3,200 dollars for the Canadiens Children’s Foundation

Scott Gomez: That right Al-wait what?

Alex Trebek: You’ve raised 3,200 Doll-

Scott Gomez: No I heard that part, the last part about the charity.

Alex Trebek: Well Mr. Gomez, this is for charity….

Scott Gomez: I’m out.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez I can assure you, the children do need this money very much! You are contractually obligated to finish the show!

Scott Gomez: What about me? What about MY needs?! Who’s going to clean the pool filled to the brim with the tears of Habs fans everywhere if I don’t keep bringing in the dinero?

Alex Trebek: I don’t think I should have to remind you, but you are a multi millionaire who continues to make an average of 7 million dollars every year.

Scott Gomez: …..Let’s play Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: If you’re watching this, please stop.

Let’s take a look at the categories!


Scott Gomez: NICE!

Alex Trebek: THE NHL, EXPERTS EXCHANGE, for this one we will be talking about general managers and the trades they’ve made and finally; SAY THIS WORD, I don’t think I can explain it any better than that.

P.K., I believe you have control of the board.


Alex Trebek: My God! It’s like your mother’s breastmilk was infused with Red Bull! Here is the answer: This is the Hockey team that plays in Montreal.


Alex Trebek: Mr. Price?

Carey Price: Who are the Washington Capitals?

Alex Trebek: *stares blankly*….



The Washington Capitals is the team that plays in Montreal?

Carey Price: You didn’t say ‘who are’

Alex Trebek: for the love of God, someone kill me now.

Matt Cooke: Ok fine, turn around.

Alex Trebek: I WAS KIDDING!

Matt Cooke: Aw.

Alex Trebek: THE MONTREAL CANADIENS are the team that plays in Montreal.

Mr. Subban it’s still your board


Alex Trebek: gah! For the love of all that is holy, tone it down!

P.K. Subban: ALWAYSON!!!!

Alex Trebek: The Answer: This is the Alaskan Mexican who plays for the Montreal Canadiens.


Alex Trebek: Mr. Subban?


Alex Trebek: I’m not even going near that one, anyone else?



Perhaps someone who is playing this game right now?


Mr. Gomez!?

Scott Gomez: Who is Carey Price?!

Alex Trebek: NO!!

Scott Gomez: GAH!! It was a trick question!

Alex Trebek: No, it wasn’t the answer was you!!

Scott Gomez: Well when you say it like that you make me look like an idiot.

Alex Trebek: Why don’t you take control of the board?

Scott Gomez: sounds good! I’ll take Expert Sex Change for 400 please.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez that clearly reads Experts Exchange.

Scott Gomez: You know who could go for an Expert Sex Change? That Alex Burrows dude. He’s always…chomping on extremities and….diving down to the lower body area….he wouldn’t even have to change his name.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez, I-

Carey Price: Because Alex is a girls name too.

Scott Gomez: True say.

Alex Trebek: IT SAYS EXPERTS EXCHANGE!!!! ALRIGHT! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy!

The category is: Where do you play Hockey?

*Jeopardy theme begins playing*

You can write down; Montreal….Canada…..the world….a rink…anything!

And time is up! Let’s put an end to this, shall we?

Mr. Price, your answer?

Annnd he’s asleep!

Carey Price: zzzzzzNo PK, that’s not the kind of triple low 5 I was talking aboutzzzzzzzzzz

Alex Trebek: I am going to have nightmares about that for years!

Mr. Subban?

That….appears to be a picture of you standing next to Los Angeles Kings forward Mike Richards…well in some strange way that counts…what did you wager?

Annnd the picture is you pulling out his brain directly from his head, charming.


Alex Trebek: You probably have fun when you watch paint dry! Mr. Gomez?

You wrote… ‘Ice’…well, that’s brilliant, please tell me you wagered something good!

….You wagered negative One Billion Dollars?!

Scott Gomez: Screw the kids! Now they owe me money!

Alex Trebek: You horrible, horrible man.

Thank you all for joining us tonight, I am going to go stand next to a stanchion and hope it attracts Zdeno Chara.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tweet Tens!!

For your enjoyment, a massive amount of Tweet Tens!

Tweet Ten signs the nfl lockout is over

10.The CFL folds
9.Dancing with the stars loses half its upcoming cast.
8.Brett Favre comes out of retirement
7.Brett Favre retires
6.EA sports scraps the release of "NFLPA Lockout Negotiations 12"
5.Fans forget that Hockey, Baseball and Basketball exist.
4.The Bills are already 0-5
3.Plaxico Burris is forced to resign as president of the NRA.
2.Chad ochoconco inexplicably starts throwing tea in Boston Harbour
1.You can still hear Gary Bettman's cursing from miles away.


Tweet Ten ways to get rid of Scott Gomez

10. Convince Sarah Palin to bring him on as her running mate.
9. Tell him he's been traded to the Atlanta Thrashers and hope he doesnt read the newspaper.
8. One word: Stanchion
7. Buy him out..and by buy him out I mean blindfold him, gag him, put him in a box and ship him to Antarctica
6. Tell him the NHL is now paying all of their players in Pesos.
5.Invoke his 'no frealoader' clause that you are 100% sure was in his contract all along.
4.Tell Brian Burke that he had a 'truculantoplasty'
3.Sign him up for 'deadliest catch' behind his back. He's alaskan he for sure knows how to crab fish!
2.Tell the Boston Bruins his dad is Gary Bettman
1. Position him so that his blindside faces Matt Cooke


Tweet Ten things Ochocinco did while in Montreal

10. OD at least once on Poutine.
9. Ask everyone within earshot what the hell an Alouette is.
8. Out of sheer confusion, will beat the crap out of Youppi
7.Will spend 3 days furiously trying to roll the Orange Julep onto Decarie.
6. Will receive no less that 5 tickets for turning right on a red.
5.Win an NDP seat.
4.Shatter every CFL receiving one quarter
3. carry on the tradition on being a visiting athlete in montreal by having george laraque publicly announce that he won't fight him.
2.Will angrily tweet about having to wait in line at Schwartz's
1. Legally change his name to Huit-Cinq


Tween Ten ways the Canucks, Bruins, and Lightning are passing the time while waiting for the Detroit/San Jose series to end.

10. Since the Sedins aren't panning out, Alain Vigneault is going on a worldwide search for Ryan Kessler's lost twin.
9. Ryan Kessler has been continuously sending Jonothan Toews "Hello from the playoffs, wish you were here" postcards to Jonothan Toews
8. In an effort to stay hydrated, Zdeno Chara drank 2/3 of the Atlantic Ocean.
7. Martin St. Louis made a 'how be really good at Hockey while being 5'1' video for David Desharnais
6. Roberto Luongo and Maxim Lapierre played some intra-mural soccer they wouldn't get out of practice.
5. Tim Thomas gave a lecture on 'How to be the best at what you do despite having absolutely no technical skill related to your trade'
4. Chris Higgins bought houses in every NHL city, just in case.
3. Andrew Ference got himself a brand new set of gloves in hopes of avoiding any more malfunctions.
2.Claude Julien has not stopped practicing his 'There is no way in hell that tha was a penalty' face.
1. Steven Stamkos took over for Manny Ramirez in Right Field


Tweet Ten Signs you're getting traded at the MLB Trade Deadline

10. You're batting 10th
9. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in cash.
8. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in minor league pitchers.
7. The only sign your base coaches give you is the middle finger.
6. You put on your Yankees jersey before your game, but you play for the Padres.
5. Instead of a paycheck your manager hands you a plane ticket.
4.Your GM asks you if you're afraid of Green Monsters
3. Instead of batting practice, your Manager makes you undergo 'Getting on a plane and flying to another city' practice'
2.Your pitching coach asks you if you know how to hit.
1.The trade deadline was 3 weeks ago and all of these things just happened to you.


Tweet ten things you missed during the MLB All Star Game.

10. Actual All-Stars
9. Robinson showing off his wood
8. The Rock performing a dramatic re-enactment of Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit.
7.Alex Kovalev looking for a job explaining that he's really good at doing nothing for 1/9th of the game
6. The entire 94 expos team simultaneously punching Bud Selig in the face.
5.Roy Halladay getting pulled in favor of a pitch machine in the 4th
4. Big Papi moonwalking the bases after a home run
3. Product placement alert! Robinson Cano walks up to the plate with the worlds largest slim jim
2. Mascot mud wrestling
1.Jose Bautista juggling 12 balls and reciting shakespeare while balancing a 1972 Thunderbird on his head


Tweet Ten signs your league is in a lockout

10. You turn on ESPN and Hockey is on
9. You contemplate going to the CFL for one one millionth of a second, as opposed to not contemplating it at all.
8. You try to be a dual sport athlete but you skate worse than Patrice Brisebois.
7. You lose your Gatorade sponsorship to those underage Chinese gymnasts from the Olympics.
6. A rapper writes a song about your team called ‘Fat and Mellow’
5. The Clippers are a .500 team
4. You receive an offer to go to Europe to play football but are extremely confused when you show up and everyone is playing soccer.
3. You realize there are a lot more chances to shoot yourself in the leg.
2. Your days spent napping and playing X box seem less fulfilling.
1. You hold a one hour long special on NBC called ‘The decision: Breakfast’


Tweet Ten signs the Impact are moving to the MLS

10. They hired Youppi.
9. Half their players now go only by their last name.
8. They're bringing in Maxim Lapierre as an assistant coach.
7. Your house is full of Saputo Cheese but you have no idea how it got there.
6. RDS televises their first soccer game in network history
5. You start paying attention to Noel Butler
4. The Als no longer have 15 'on call' backup kickers
3. You find out that Toronto has a whole other demographic of fans for you to hate.
2. The team announces the signing of a new forward-Tierry Henri-Bourassa
1. They're changing their name to FC Montreal United City


Tweet Ten signs your team just re-located

10. The local Applebees stops giving you stuff for free.
9. Tons of people from a city you've never heard of start following you on twitter
8. You walk into your GMs office and you see the team mascot's head mounted on his wall.
7. People haven't stopped asking you if you know how to drive a dog sled.
6. Your real estate agent just sold your house but you didn't even put it on the market.
5.Your cell phone just told you that you are 'roaming'
4.Half of your team just signed in the KHL.
3.Your GM calls you to remind you that you have a no trade clause.
2.You tune in to sports center to find live coverage of Gary Bettman crying.
1.Your team and its current city just ended their relationship on facebook


Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs

10. Ryder? I barely know her!
9. Kesler is not diving, he's extreme plaking.
8. Scott Gomez can afford to buy this sign over 8 Trillion times.
7. Flyers goaltending can't even save a nintendo game.
6. Matin St. Louis can't see over this sign.
5. Hey Seguin, I have more eyes than you have shifts!
4. HELP I'm caught in one of Kyle Wellwood's chins!!
3. Either Sedin, will you marry me?
2. If you can read this sign you aren't Milan Lucic
1.This sign has more personality than Jacques Martin


Tweet ten best moments of the Habs 2010-2011 season.

10. When Maxim Lapierre got traded and nobody noticed or cared.
9. When Carey Price wore the same mask for a record 5 consecutive games!
8. When Scott Gomez elected to give everyone in the Bell Centre an equal stake in his salary-376.06
7. When PK Subban scored a Hat Trick and caused Mike Richards to jump out a window
6. That game against Carolina when Paul Mara's beard made Jeff Skinner wet himself
5.When Josh Gorges reluctantly admitted that he was human.
4. When Ken Dryden jumped Alex Auld in an alley and forced him to add a tribute to him on his mask at knifepoint.
3. When we all found out what Stanchions were.
2. When nobody cared about the Halak game.
1. When the NHL rewarded Mike Cammalleri with a game off after he killed the deadly spider on Nino Niedereiter's ankle.