Thursday, September 30, 2010

Challenge Accepted

A few days ago a Blogger by the name of Shmitzysays issued out an open challenge to the blogging community to select their top 12 forwards for this year’s Montreal Canadiens opening day roster. We’ve been staring at the pre-season for about two weeks now and all of us are extremely overqualified to make these selections by watching players from awkward camera angles and reading about them on the internet (where everything is super true and objective).

I for one know as much as the next guy/girl about Hockey and feel that I can put together a pretty good top 12. The catch is I don’t think Shmitzysays said I had to limit this to the current Habs squad, and if he did…well I just skimmed his blog anyways.

If playing the EA Sports NHL franchise has taught me anything it is that the salary cap is just a suggestion, every GM sucks but you, and the draft is useless; your players never develop and the only way to keep your team good is by trading and signing big name free agents (otherwise known as the Brian Burke method)

I’m going to put together a forward corps that will be feared by the league by filling it with the best players in the league….according to Homer fans who can’t see past their own nose. The best players who are the best because ‘He has incredible vision and always gives the Puck to Ovechkin/Crosby/Kessel/Etc’ will be on this team.

Obviously I’m going to have to get rid of several key Habs players…but they all suck anyway didn’t you know that?

So here we go.

New Season.

Salary Cap Off.

CPU Reject Trades Off.


You’re Cut:

Scott Gomez- Too short, too ethnic.

Mike Cammalleri- Too short, last name too many syllables.

Brian Gionta- Too short, way too short.

Andrei Kostitsyn- Too skilled, needs change of scenery to flourish.

Lars Eller- Name is Lars.

Dustin Boyd, Ryan White, Tom Pyatt, Jeff Halpern, Travis Moen- Care about the sport, give 110% every night. Who does that anymore? So 90s.

You’re Cool:

Tomas Plekanec- New contract, can’t make the GM look fickle. Also down payment on Turtlenecks is non-refundable.

Absolutely indispensable:

Maxim Lapierre- Obvious reasons

Mathieu Darche- Obvious reasons

Benoit Pouliot- Obvious reasons…kind of.

Welcome to the Habs: (use your imaginations)

Phil Kessel- God.

Nazim Kadri- Jesus.

Kris Versteeg- Cup experience.

Alex Burrows- Obvious reasons. Also He’s incredible and makes players like Daniel and
Henrik Sedin score 100 points a season.

Alex Kovalev- For some reason Habs fans love this guy. Would be awesome one night and terrible the next but would always plead his dedication to the team. Holy shit! Alex Kovalev is the Canadiens fan base personified!

Sergei Kostitsyn- Team player. Possible captain?

Mats Sundin- He owes us one.

Ruslan Fedotenko- Token player from European country that isn’t Finland, Sweden, Czech Republic, Slovakia or Russia.

So to put this in line form.

Line 1: Darche-Lapierre-Burrows
Line 2: Kessel-Kadri-Versteeg
Line 3: Pouliot-Sundin-Kovalev
Line 4: Fedotenko-Plekanec-Kostitsyn

Ca sent la Coupe!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tweet Ten 3

In case you missed it, here is the third installment of the Tweet Ten!

They're lame and corny...but that's the point.

For the record, I'm a huge Carey Price fan...anything for a laugh/slight chuckle/shameful head shake right?

Top Ten Corny Carey Price Pre-Season jokes.

10. Carey Price walks into a bar. The Bartender says 'what can I get you'. Price
replies 'do you have any talent?'

9. Price asked a few teammates to shoot on him for practice. The session ended early when Price finally snapped and popped the beach ball that he kept letting in.

8. Carey Price almost got hit by a car yesterday. He’s ok though, it went right through his legs.

7. Why is Carey Price so good at riding bulls? Because he only has to work for 30 seconds a night.

6. What’s the difference between Carey Price and a sieve? A sieve is useful.

5 How does Carey Price celebrate a win? I’ll let you know when it happens..

4. How do you know that Carey Price isn’t afraid of Ghosts? He’s completely unfazed by 21,000 ‘Boos’

3. What do a bad fisherman and Carey Price’s glove hand have in common? They both can’t catch anything.

2. Knock Knock *Who’s there* Carey Price in five years. *Carey Price in 5 years who? * Exactly.

1. It’s so hot outside *how hot is it* It’s so hot that Carey Price wishes he still had fans.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Guest piece for Habs Addicts

I was recently asked to write a guest piece for the website Habs Addicts as part of a he said/she said feature. Due to some complications the she said portion of the piece could not be posted, but my portion was.

Here is my 'he said' contribution for Habs Addicts; Addict Alley section called "Why are the Canadiens awesome?"

Because they’re possessed by the ghosts of dead Canadiens, stupid.

With the Habs Frankenstein season behind us, our beloved Tricolore is beginning to look more and more like a real team by the day.

Experts say that a championship team is built through the draft, so it’s obvious that what Bob Gainey did during the Summer of 2009 was crazier than Milan Lucic on ‘ludes.

In case you forgot, all Bob Gainey did was do away with 10+ years of drafting, trading, and key free agent signing to collect a gang of short, old and overrated players (according to the experts)!

Bob Gainey did something else that off-season, something unknown to him, the players and every single fan in the world except for me.

It’s a good thing you came to Habs Addicts today, it’s also a good thing you clicked on the Addict Alley section, it’s also a good thing you clicked on this very link because I am about to let you in on a chilling secret that I did not make up for the sake of this article.

Bob Gainey broke Hockey rules.

You can’t just sign free agents and trade for Scott Gomez and get away with it. You have to pay your dues, be really bad for 10 years like the Penguins and Blackhawks and then you can go deep into the playoffs.

When Bob Gainey overhauled the Habs he also unleashed a terrible curse on the team. The curse caused the ghosts trapped inside the Pepsi Forum—scared the crap out of the people eating at Guido and Angelina’s—to escape and possess several members of your current Montreal Canadiens team.

The curse backfired though, because it turns out that the Habs had some pretty good players in the past. I’m sure I can work in some kind of Spider-man gift/curse segue into the main part of the article but I do not have the writing talent to pull something like that off.

Mike Cammalleri is possessed by Howie Morenz.

Ok, this one is too obvious. They look exactly alike:


Look at the resemblance and tell me that the soul of Howie Morenz is not embedded within Mike Cammalleri.

You can’t, because it is.

Looks aside, Cammalleri and Morenz play a very similar game. They’re both fast, have keen on-ice vision, have a sick wrist shot, and love to fist pump after they score goals.

It’s also no coincidence that they have incredibly similar nicknames. Howie Morenz’s is ‘The Stratford Streak’—alluding to Morenz’s speed and the city where his roots are.

Mike Cammalleri’s nickname is ‘The Thornhill Thunderbolt’ for the same reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: That’s not his nickname.

It’s not? Well it should be.

Brian Gionta is possessed by Boom Boom Geoffrion

Did you know that Boom Boom was only 5’9? You do now sir/ma’ do now.

Source: my own editing of Wikipedia for the purpose of this article.

We all know that Brian Gionta is short. What he lacks in size he makes up for in heart, leadership, and testicular fortitude. If you look for those three words in the dictionary you will find Boom Boom’s picture next to them

Side Note: Sami Salo is also there next to testicular fortitude.

Brian Gionta plays big, much like Boom Boom did in his prime. These wee warriors cause headaches for their opponents and it is also really, really funny if you speed up the footage of them that you’re watching and play the theme song from Benny Hill.


Maxime Lapierre is possessed by Maurice Richard

Maxime Lapierre is French-Canadian ipso facto his soul was the only one that Richard could latch onto safely without pissing off the French media.

The Rocket was an idol.

When Latendresse got traded, Lapierre became the idol by default.

There is no doubt that the spirit of The Rocket is lodged within Maxim Lapierre. Lapierre is the best hockey player to ever play in the NHL. Lapierre skates like the wind, hits like a wrecking ball, and shoots like a high powered rifle.

Lapierre is the voice of our generation; he is a symbol of light in an otherwise bleak and dreary world. He is the one ray of hope that the Canadiens have left at keeping their Quebecois identity alive.

Side Note: The previous paragraph was written by my guest contributor, Maxim Lapierre.

Carey Price is possessed by Bill Durnan

I bet you thought I was going to say that Price was possessed by Jacques Plante.

Where’s my money?

When Bill Durnan played for the Habs—the only team he played for professionally—he was lights out.

In his rookie year he was 38-5-7—the 7 is ties, for those who don’t remember Hockey before 2004.

That’s a scary record, as is a 208-112-62 lifetime stat. He’s a hall of famer and was depicted on one of Price’s centennial masks which of course is Hockey’s highest honor.

Bill Durnan retired at the age of 35 due to him not being able to handle the stress of playing in the NHL.

Sound familiar?

Well, there you have it folks, undisputable evidence that several Canadiens are currently being possessed by the Ghosts of the Forum.

Please don’t try to take matters into your own hands by trying to perform an exorcism if you run into any of the players on the street. Also, don’t call the Ghostbusters or any type of ghost related reality show on A&E. They will think you are crazy for believing that this article is in any way real.

Side Note: Ignore that last sentence, it’s just meant to cover Habs Addict’s butt in case any lawyers come knocking.

Ghosts are real and they’re living in the souls of the aforementioned players.

For real.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tweet Ten List 2!

Second installment of the Tweet Ten List is in the books! Hope you tuned in...if not...there's always next week!

Top ten signs that Habs Hockey is back.

10. Georges Laraque can be spotted lobbying for Veggie dogs to be served at the Bell Centre.

9. A new round of shatter proof glass gets installed on St. Catherine Street.

8. Attendance at Alouettes games goes from over 25,000 to 25.

7. On a similar note, people completely forget that the Impact exist.

6. The Bell Centre just received their annual shipment of 500 turtlenecks for Tomas Plekanec.

5. Game tickets sell out in minutes, and then get re-sold again in minutes for triple the price.

4. Travis Moen comes back from the farm, Scott Gomez comes back from Alaska, but Andrei Kostitsyn stays in space.

3. All the bird crap gets cleaned off the statues in Centennial Plaza.

2. Instead of watching it together every week, Jacques Martin and Kirk Muller now
have to TIVO Battle of the Blades.

1. Youppi hits up the Salon for a cut and a dye.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Tweet Ten List!

For those of you that missed it, I was featured in a new segment on Game Points with Matthew Ross on the Team 990 in Montreal! I'll be on every week doing a new 'Tweet Ten List' so be sure to tune in!

I'll also be posting the Tweet Ten List on the Blog for those who missed it on the radio.

Top Ten reasons why Pierre Gauthier chose Carey Price over Jaroslav Halak.

10. Does your starting goalie Rodeo in the off-season? I don’t think so.

9. Josh Gorges likes Carey Price better, and what Josh Gorges says, goes.

8. Carey Price is in Gauthier’s A-Capella group: “Triple Gleeke”

7. All Halak did was help lead the Habs to the conference finals, beating the Capitals and the Penguins in the process. Price helped Gauthier master the orange button on Guitar hero. I think we know who’s more valuable.

6. The only team that wanted Price was Colorado….even Gauthier isn’t that stupid.
5. Gauthier is in a Western Conference only fantasy league.

4. Price still has 7 new Habs masks left to debut. Are you going to take that away from him?

3. By some weird stretch of logic, Price is considered to be more ‘French Canadian’ than Halak.

2. Alex Auld would make Halak look too good. There needs to be room for some controversy.

1. Halak liked to pull pranks, and the one where he traded himself for Lars Eller and Ian Schultz was one too many.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Pierre Gauthier's Off-Season To-Do List

Well the Off-Season is almost over with the rookies getting underway today....and Pierre Gauthier did a lot....kind of. While his moves were mostly low-key, he planned to do a hell of a lot!

I know this because I broke into his office and took his To-Do list. Kind of like how I found his Blackberry. (except this time I committed a felony)

The ones on the list he completed he filled in with black ink, the ones he didn't complete he left blank.


Pierre Gauthier’s Off-Season To-Do List

o Make sure Guy Boucher ends up with our coaching staff.
o Make sure Julien Brisebois stays with our front office.
• Make sure to remind cousin in Tampa Bay to put that flaming bag of dog shit on Yzerman’s front porch
• Let two hard working, undersized, over-aged forwards leave the team via free agency.
• Acquire one hard working, undersized, over-aged forward via free agency.
• Trade one of my goalies for a stable top 6 forward OR two forwards that will spark intense debate within the entire Montreal fanbase.
• Ensure that one of those forwards is good enough for fans to lamely reassure themselves that the trade was worth it.
• Trade away headache Sergei Kostitsyn to a weak market team
o Sign Dan Ellis, I have a good feeling about that guy. Seems like he can handle fan pressure well, also his twitter account is the balls.
• Let Marc Andre Bergeron walk, put robot puck shooter/pylon on ice instead.
o Trade slow developing defenseman Matt Carle in return for slow developing defenseman.
o Trade Slow developing forward Benjamin Maxwell in return for slow developing forward.
• Copyright the term “Pull a D’Agostini”
o Find a way to apply the Georges Laraque ‘Tek Savvy’ Ads to his real life contrac….I mean contract.
• Continue to secretly fund Guillaume Latendresse’s hypnosis . It’s the only way he believes he’s a good hockey player.
o Name Josh Gorges Captain
o Name Brian Gionta Captain
o Name Andrei Markov Captain
o Name Mike Cammalleri Captain
• Let internet fan polls determine captaincy
o Look into that Habs Laughs fellow. How does he keep taking my shit?


Some good news to report!

I was contacted by the host of Game Points, a show on the Team 990 radio station in Montreal. I'll be on the show doing a weekly segment called the 'Tweet Ten List'. It's basically a Letterman style top ten list. Debut segment is on Tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 11:25 PM!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Former Habs...where are they now?

Remember that time when the Habs finished 1st in the Eastern Conference a few years back? Remember that time when the Habs were predicted to finish 1st in the Eastern Conference the following season?

Remember what happened instead?

Put down the gun.

Continue reading.


That team was something else wasn’t it? We were supposed to be so damn good…but instead we were streaky, lacked heart, and were more boring that a NASCAR race in slow motion.

I mean look at the players we had!

Saku Koivu, Alex Kovalev, Steve Begin, Chris Higgins, Alex Tanguay, Mike Komisarek, Francis Bouillon, Sergei Kostitsyn, Tom Kostopoulos, Mathieu Dandenault, Guillaume Latendresse, Kyle Chipchura, Robert Lang, Matt D’Agostini, Mathieu Schneider, Patrice Birsebois…to name a few.

Over a dozen players have left our ranks since that fateful season that made Bob Gainey swear for the first time in his entire life.
We all know about the massive transformation that the Habs went through one year ago, and I believe that the core of our team has improved immensely. We’ve fallen in love with the newcomers…but we seem to have forgotten the warriors who sacrificed life and limb while playing for the Habs during that 08-09 season. Well I haven’t.
I thought up this blog Idea a year ago…before I started blogging…and decided to keep close tabs on most of the players that left us during the off-season one year ago. I’ve taken note of their highs, lows and everything in between.

Former Habs…where are they now?

Saku Koivu

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Anaheim Ducks
Best Moment: Finding out his agent got the Ducks to include free season passes to Disneyland in his contract.
Worst Moment: Finding out Kyle Chipchurra got traded to the Ducks.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will form a line centering Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne that would have been pretty super awesome 10-15 years ago.

Alex Kovalev

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Ottawa Senators
Best Moment: Those 3 games where he came to the Bell Centre and actually played Hockey.
Worst Moment: Realizing Mike Cammalleri is way, way better than him.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will be one of the players to leave for the Sochi 2014 Olympics. The League and the Senators won’t care.

Chris Higgins

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: New York Rangers, Calgary Flames, Florida Panthers
Best Moment: When the Leafs made that big trade and made Higgins the 4th worst player on the Flames instead of the worst player on the team.
Worst Moment: When Niklas Hagman ended up with more goals than him.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will resurrect his career in Florida, scoring ten goals and adding 15 assists, making him the Panthers’ leading scorer.

Alex Tanguay

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Tampa Bay Lightning, Calgary Flames
Best Moment: Would FINALLY play on a team that will use him properly in Tampa Bay, unlike Colorado, Calgary, Montreal, whatever Junior team he played on, all of his Youth Teams, his High School Ball Hockey team, his older brother during street hockey, and his dad during knee hockey in his basement when he was 5.
Worst Moment: The moment his agent looked him in the eye and told him his best option was returning to Calgary.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will decide head to the KHL, but won’t receive a single offer.

Mike Komisarek

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Toronto Maple Leafs
Best Moment: Fit right in with, and I imaginary quote, ‘Awesome dudes’ Mikhail Grabovsky and Colton Orr. Looks forward to meeting ‘Salt of the earth’ Colby Armstrong.
Worst Moment: Got hurt after terrible start, robbed Leafs fans of seeing how soft he could actually be since Lucic destroyed him mentally and physically.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Dancing with the stars anyone?…Is he even famous enough?

Tom Kostopoulos

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Carolina Hurricanes
Best Moment: Was one of the 3rd liner-but-try-really-hard-and-play-well-and-make-a-run-at-the-playoffs-but-don’t-have-any-really-good-players-aside-from-Staal-and-maybe-Whitney dudes on the Hurricanes.
Worst Moment: The Jersey guy on the Hurricanes spelled his name right 1 out of 82 times.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will captain team Greece at some form of Adriatic/Ionian Hockey tournament.

And now for some that left a little before and after 2008-2009

Cristobal Huet

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Washington Capitals, Chicago Blackhawks, some Swiss League team?
Best Moment: Watching The Chicago Blackawks win the Stanley Cup.
Worst Moment: Watching the Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup…
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: Will watch whatever team he is on in Europe win their championship trophy. Will run for President of France and lose.

Guillaume Latendresse

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Minnesota Wild
Best Moment: Realizing that he’s actually a good hockey player, and that all his critics were wrong.
Worst Moment: Realizing that he’s a good Hockey player on the Minnesota Wild.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: 30 Goals and 28 Assists….on the Houston Aeros after scoring 5 goals and 2 assists in 37 games with the Wild.

Sergei Kostitsyn

Teams Since Leaving the Habs: Nashville Predators
Best Moment: Staying away from cold and depressing Russia, where he would have most likely played had he not been moved.
Worst Moment: Heading towards warm and depressing Nashville.
Habs Laughs’ Fearless Prediction: 50 Goals, 85 Points. Just because he’s not a Hab anymore.

Michael Ryder

Team Since Leaving the Habs:
Boston Bruins
Best Moment: Finally perfected the toe drag, blew right by Sheldon Souray one time.
Worst Moment: Really misses Chris Higgins, can't figure out how to download Skype
Habs Laughs' Fearless Prediction: Will slowly go insane while reading "Where's Waldo"