Saturday, October 22, 2011

The All Former Habs Team

The Montreal Canadiens are without a doubt the most storied franchise in the National Hockey League. They boast an almost unreachable 24 Stanley Cups, a myriad of Hall Of Famers and of course, Scott Gomez.

Despite all of the success that the Canadiens have experienced over recent years the current generation of Montreal Canadiens fans have nothing too insane to celebrate about. The majority of Habs talk these days circles around who the Habs have compared to who the Habs used to have. It’s no secret that the Habs have stunted some players development over the years, players might have been self-entitled Europeans, misunderstood French Canadians or even misunderstood rest –of- Canadians.

Habs fans have undoubtedly spent countless drunken rants going over the players that were terrible on the Habs, were traded for nothing, and then went on to have success with their new team.

You’ve heard of the “All Habs Team” where experts have put together a team including the best Habs of all time…well, I did the research, I scoured the internets, and I put together the “All Former Habs Team”

I chose this team based on success with the Canadiens VS. success with new team, what the team got for said player and basic availability and since the list could go on and on and on I’m doing this post-lockout style….here we go folks.


1st Line: Mikhail Grabovksi-Toronto Maple Leafs: The Habs let Grabovski go for a 2nd round pick that ended up being traded for Robert Lang. His deportation to Toronto was due to a combination of a sense of self entitlement combined with the fact that there was simply no room for him. He earns first line center honours because he has grown up, found his scoring touch…and did it all while playing for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

2nd Line: Mike Ribeiro-Dallas Stars: While he may miss the snow in Montreal he certainly hasn’t missed a beat in Dallas. Bottom line, he turned into the player we all wanted him to become in Montreal. What’s Janne Niinimaa doing these days?

3rd Line: Saku Koivu-Anaheim Ducks: I have no idea why the Habs let him go. Screw you Scott Gomez.

4th Line: Maxime Lapierre-Vancouver Canucks: How many of you wished he was still on the team during the Boston series?

Honourable Mentions: Tommy Pyatt-Tampa Bay Lightning, Jeff Halpern-Washington Capitals, Glen Metropolit, Switzerland. Mike Johnson,-TSN. Brian Smolinski-Wherabouts Unknown. Dominic Moore-Tampa Bay Lightning.


1st Line:

Michael Ryder-Dallas Stars: Ryder was the worst 30 goal scorer the Habs ever had, on top of this…he just won a cup with the Bruins. First liner for sure.

Guillaume Latendresse-Minnesota Wild: He was supposed to be the next big thing…he was…in terms of pants size.

2nd Line:

Sergei Kostitsyn-Nashville Predators: The return is now absolutely zero and he’s putting up very solid numbers with the predators. This one stings based on the fact that his brother is still on the team.

Alex Tanguay-Calgary Flames: I’d rather have Cammalleri anyways.

3rd Line:

Chris Higgins-Vancouver Canucks: Remember when he said he was going to score 40 goals? Ah Memories. New York and Florida couldn’t figure him out. Vancouver managed to turn him into a solid energy forward with scoring upside.

Matt D’Agostini-St. Louis Blues: He just scored his 3rd of the season in OT for the Blue last night. How’s Aaron Palushaj doing?

4th Line:

Tom Kostopoulos-Calgary Flames: High octane, high energy, high last name word content.

A Habs team wouldn’t be a Habs team without a non-scoring center playing the wing. One of my honourable mentions at Center will fill this role.

Honourable Mentions: Alex Kovalev-Space. Benoit Pouliot-Boston Bruins. Georges Laraque-Politics.


1st Pairing:

Mark Streit-New York Islanders: Don’t you wish they still had him? Captaining the
Islanders right now.

Ryan McDonaugh-New York Rangers: He earns top pairing status because of what they got in return. Big time ouch.

2nd Pairing:

Roman Hamrlik-Washington Capitals: Enjoy that cup, Roman.

James Wisniewski-Columbus Blue Jackets: He’ll be great in Columbus, just hope he doesn’t…blow it *ba dum tss*

3rd Pairing:

Mike Komisarek-Toronto Maple Leafs: This is a jokes blog after all.

Ron Hainsey-Winnipeg Jets: Barely a Hab but could have been a solid reliable defenseman who would have probably been traded for nothing.

Honourable Mentions: Brent Sopel-Russia. Francis Bouillon-Nashville Predators. Paul Mara-Free Agent. Marc-Andre Bergeron-Tampa Bay Lightning. Ryan O’Byrn-Colorado Avalanche. Etc.


Starting Goalie:
Jaroslav Halak-St. Louis Blues: While he isn’t having the stellar career most thought he would he is definitely the reason the Habs experienced their best showing since 1993…which a conference finals appearance, in case anyone forgot.

Backup Goalie:
Jose Theodore-Florida Panthers: Another man who misses the Montreal winters. He wont the Hart and Vezina in the same year. That’s ridiculous.

Honourable Mentions: Alex Auld-Ottawa Senators. Mathieu Garon-Tampa Bay Lightning. Cedric Desjardins-Colorado Avalanche. Cristobal Huet-France? Yann Danis-Edmonton Oilers.

With all of this amazing talent available, here is what the lineup would look like.
All Former Habs Team:




Now the question remains, Habs Laughs readers: Are they a playoff team?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Habs Celebrity Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: Hello and welcome back to Habs Celebrity Jeopardy! I am your host, Alex Trebek and in case you are wondering, yes I am only here because Pierre Gauthier saved my life in Tijuana in the summer of ’82.

We’re all set to begin Double Jeopardy, but first, let’s take a look at how our contestants did in the Jeopardy round.

Carey Price finished with an astonishing -10,458 Dollars.

Carey Price: Just chill man, it’s only pre-Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: I can assure you that the last round very much counted. Next we have P.K. Subban who managed to score a perfect 69 in the opening round.

P.K. Subban: Hehehe

Alex Trebek: Who wagers 69 on a daily double?

P.K. Subban: ppffffffhehehehe.

Alex Trebek: Is this because I keep saying 69?

P.K. Subban: *holding laugher* Yes sir.

Alex Trebek: I hate my life. Let’s move on to our final contestant, Scott Gomez, who has done surprisingly well and has amassed a total of 3,200 dollars for the Canadiens Children’s Foundation

Scott Gomez: That right Al-wait what?

Alex Trebek: You’ve raised 3,200 Doll-

Scott Gomez: No I heard that part, the last part about the charity.

Alex Trebek: Well Mr. Gomez, this is for charity….

Scott Gomez: I’m out.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez I can assure you, the children do need this money very much! You are contractually obligated to finish the show!

Scott Gomez: What about me? What about MY needs?! Who’s going to clean the pool filled to the brim with the tears of Habs fans everywhere if I don’t keep bringing in the dinero?

Alex Trebek: I don’t think I should have to remind you, but you are a multi millionaire who continues to make an average of 7 million dollars every year.

Scott Gomez: …..Let’s play Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek: If you’re watching this, please stop.

Let’s take a look at the categories!


Scott Gomez: NICE!

Alex Trebek: THE NHL, EXPERTS EXCHANGE, for this one we will be talking about general managers and the trades they’ve made and finally; SAY THIS WORD, I don’t think I can explain it any better than that.

P.K., I believe you have control of the board.


Alex Trebek: My God! It’s like your mother’s breastmilk was infused with Red Bull! Here is the answer: This is the Hockey team that plays in Montreal.


Alex Trebek: Mr. Price?

Carey Price: Who are the Washington Capitals?

Alex Trebek: *stares blankly*….



The Washington Capitals is the team that plays in Montreal?

Carey Price: You didn’t say ‘who are’

Alex Trebek: for the love of God, someone kill me now.

Matt Cooke: Ok fine, turn around.

Alex Trebek: I WAS KIDDING!

Matt Cooke: Aw.

Alex Trebek: THE MONTREAL CANADIENS are the team that plays in Montreal.

Mr. Subban it’s still your board


Alex Trebek: gah! For the love of all that is holy, tone it down!

P.K. Subban: ALWAYSON!!!!

Alex Trebek: The Answer: This is the Alaskan Mexican who plays for the Montreal Canadiens.


Alex Trebek: Mr. Subban?


Alex Trebek: I’m not even going near that one, anyone else?



Perhaps someone who is playing this game right now?


Mr. Gomez!?

Scott Gomez: Who is Carey Price?!

Alex Trebek: NO!!

Scott Gomez: GAH!! It was a trick question!

Alex Trebek: No, it wasn’t the answer was you!!

Scott Gomez: Well when you say it like that you make me look like an idiot.

Alex Trebek: Why don’t you take control of the board?

Scott Gomez: sounds good! I’ll take Expert Sex Change for 400 please.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez that clearly reads Experts Exchange.

Scott Gomez: You know who could go for an Expert Sex Change? That Alex Burrows dude. He’s always…chomping on extremities and….diving down to the lower body area….he wouldn’t even have to change his name.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Gomez, I-

Carey Price: Because Alex is a girls name too.

Scott Gomez: True say.

Alex Trebek: IT SAYS EXPERTS EXCHANGE!!!! ALRIGHT! Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy!

The category is: Where do you play Hockey?

*Jeopardy theme begins playing*

You can write down; Montreal….Canada…..the world….a rink…anything!

And time is up! Let’s put an end to this, shall we?

Mr. Price, your answer?

Annnd he’s asleep!

Carey Price: zzzzzzNo PK, that’s not the kind of triple low 5 I was talking aboutzzzzzzzzzz

Alex Trebek: I am going to have nightmares about that for years!

Mr. Subban?

That….appears to be a picture of you standing next to Los Angeles Kings forward Mike Richards…well in some strange way that counts…what did you wager?

Annnd the picture is you pulling out his brain directly from his head, charming.


Alex Trebek: You probably have fun when you watch paint dry! Mr. Gomez?

You wrote… ‘Ice’…well, that’s brilliant, please tell me you wagered something good!

….You wagered negative One Billion Dollars?!

Scott Gomez: Screw the kids! Now they owe me money!

Alex Trebek: You horrible, horrible man.

Thank you all for joining us tonight, I am going to go stand next to a stanchion and hope it attracts Zdeno Chara.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tweet Tens!!

For your enjoyment, a massive amount of Tweet Tens!

Tweet Ten signs the nfl lockout is over

10.The CFL folds
9.Dancing with the stars loses half its upcoming cast.
8.Brett Favre comes out of retirement
7.Brett Favre retires
6.EA sports scraps the release of "NFLPA Lockout Negotiations 12"
5.Fans forget that Hockey, Baseball and Basketball exist.
4.The Bills are already 0-5
3.Plaxico Burris is forced to resign as president of the NRA.
2.Chad ochoconco inexplicably starts throwing tea in Boston Harbour
1.You can still hear Gary Bettman's cursing from miles away.


Tweet Ten ways to get rid of Scott Gomez

10. Convince Sarah Palin to bring him on as her running mate.
9. Tell him he's been traded to the Atlanta Thrashers and hope he doesnt read the newspaper.
8. One word: Stanchion
7. Buy him out..and by buy him out I mean blindfold him, gag him, put him in a box and ship him to Antarctica
6. Tell him the NHL is now paying all of their players in Pesos.
5.Invoke his 'no frealoader' clause that you are 100% sure was in his contract all along.
4.Tell Brian Burke that he had a 'truculantoplasty'
3.Sign him up for 'deadliest catch' behind his back. He's alaskan he for sure knows how to crab fish!
2.Tell the Boston Bruins his dad is Gary Bettman
1. Position him so that his blindside faces Matt Cooke


Tweet Ten things Ochocinco did while in Montreal

10. OD at least once on Poutine.
9. Ask everyone within earshot what the hell an Alouette is.
8. Out of sheer confusion, will beat the crap out of Youppi
7.Will spend 3 days furiously trying to roll the Orange Julep onto Decarie.
6. Will receive no less that 5 tickets for turning right on a red.
5.Win an NDP seat.
4.Shatter every CFL receiving one quarter
3. carry on the tradition on being a visiting athlete in montreal by having george laraque publicly announce that he won't fight him.
2.Will angrily tweet about having to wait in line at Schwartz's
1. Legally change his name to Huit-Cinq


Tween Ten ways the Canucks, Bruins, and Lightning are passing the time while waiting for the Detroit/San Jose series to end.

10. Since the Sedins aren't panning out, Alain Vigneault is going on a worldwide search for Ryan Kessler's lost twin.
9. Ryan Kessler has been continuously sending Jonothan Toews "Hello from the playoffs, wish you were here" postcards to Jonothan Toews
8. In an effort to stay hydrated, Zdeno Chara drank 2/3 of the Atlantic Ocean.
7. Martin St. Louis made a 'how be really good at Hockey while being 5'1' video for David Desharnais
6. Roberto Luongo and Maxim Lapierre played some intra-mural soccer they wouldn't get out of practice.
5. Tim Thomas gave a lecture on 'How to be the best at what you do despite having absolutely no technical skill related to your trade'
4. Chris Higgins bought houses in every NHL city, just in case.
3. Andrew Ference got himself a brand new set of gloves in hopes of avoiding any more malfunctions.
2.Claude Julien has not stopped practicing his 'There is no way in hell that tha was a penalty' face.
1. Steven Stamkos took over for Manny Ramirez in Right Field


Tweet Ten Signs you're getting traded at the MLB Trade Deadline

10. You're batting 10th
9. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in cash.
8. Your GM asks you how much you think you're worth in minor league pitchers.
7. The only sign your base coaches give you is the middle finger.
6. You put on your Yankees jersey before your game, but you play for the Padres.
5. Instead of a paycheck your manager hands you a plane ticket.
4.Your GM asks you if you're afraid of Green Monsters
3. Instead of batting practice, your Manager makes you undergo 'Getting on a plane and flying to another city' practice'
2.Your pitching coach asks you if you know how to hit.
1.The trade deadline was 3 weeks ago and all of these things just happened to you.


Tweet ten things you missed during the MLB All Star Game.

10. Actual All-Stars
9. Robinson showing off his wood
8. The Rock performing a dramatic re-enactment of Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit.
7.Alex Kovalev looking for a job explaining that he's really good at doing nothing for 1/9th of the game
6. The entire 94 expos team simultaneously punching Bud Selig in the face.
5.Roy Halladay getting pulled in favor of a pitch machine in the 4th
4. Big Papi moonwalking the bases after a home run
3. Product placement alert! Robinson Cano walks up to the plate with the worlds largest slim jim
2. Mascot mud wrestling
1.Jose Bautista juggling 12 balls and reciting shakespeare while balancing a 1972 Thunderbird on his head


Tweet Ten signs your league is in a lockout

10. You turn on ESPN and Hockey is on
9. You contemplate going to the CFL for one one millionth of a second, as opposed to not contemplating it at all.
8. You try to be a dual sport athlete but you skate worse than Patrice Brisebois.
7. You lose your Gatorade sponsorship to those underage Chinese gymnasts from the Olympics.
6. A rapper writes a song about your team called ‘Fat and Mellow’
5. The Clippers are a .500 team
4. You receive an offer to go to Europe to play football but are extremely confused when you show up and everyone is playing soccer.
3. You realize there are a lot more chances to shoot yourself in the leg.
2. Your days spent napping and playing X box seem less fulfilling.
1. You hold a one hour long special on NBC called ‘The decision: Breakfast’


Tweet Ten signs the Impact are moving to the MLS

10. They hired Youppi.
9. Half their players now go only by their last name.
8. They're bringing in Maxim Lapierre as an assistant coach.
7. Your house is full of Saputo Cheese but you have no idea how it got there.
6. RDS televises their first soccer game in network history
5. You start paying attention to Noel Butler
4. The Als no longer have 15 'on call' backup kickers
3. You find out that Toronto has a whole other demographic of fans for you to hate.
2. The team announces the signing of a new forward-Tierry Henri-Bourassa
1. They're changing their name to FC Montreal United City


Tweet Ten signs your team just re-located

10. The local Applebees stops giving you stuff for free.
9. Tons of people from a city you've never heard of start following you on twitter
8. You walk into your GMs office and you see the team mascot's head mounted on his wall.
7. People haven't stopped asking you if you know how to drive a dog sled.
6. Your real estate agent just sold your house but you didn't even put it on the market.
5.Your cell phone just told you that you are 'roaming'
4.Half of your team just signed in the KHL.
3.Your GM calls you to remind you that you have a no trade clause.
2.You tune in to sports center to find live coverage of Gary Bettman crying.
1.Your team and its current city just ended their relationship on facebook


Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs

10. Ryder? I barely know her!
9. Kesler is not diving, he's extreme plaking.
8. Scott Gomez can afford to buy this sign over 8 Trillion times.
7. Flyers goaltending can't even save a nintendo game.
6. Matin St. Louis can't see over this sign.
5. Hey Seguin, I have more eyes than you have shifts!
4. HELP I'm caught in one of Kyle Wellwood's chins!!
3. Either Sedin, will you marry me?
2. If you can read this sign you aren't Milan Lucic
1.This sign has more personality than Jacques Martin


Tweet ten best moments of the Habs 2010-2011 season.

10. When Maxim Lapierre got traded and nobody noticed or cared.
9. When Carey Price wore the same mask for a record 5 consecutive games!
8. When Scott Gomez elected to give everyone in the Bell Centre an equal stake in his salary-376.06
7. When PK Subban scored a Hat Trick and caused Mike Richards to jump out a window
6. That game against Carolina when Paul Mara's beard made Jeff Skinner wet himself
5.When Josh Gorges reluctantly admitted that he was human.
4. When Ken Dryden jumped Alex Auld in an alley and forced him to add a tribute to him on his mask at knifepoint.
3. When we all found out what Stanchions were.
2. When nobody cared about the Halak game.
1. When the NHL rewarded Mike Cammalleri with a game off after he killed the deadly spider on Nino Niedereiter's ankle.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Probable Scenes From the 2011 NHL Entry Draft

Well, the NHL draft is tomorrow night and if Twitter doesn’t spoil the whole thing we should be in for a treat.

GMs have been actually earning their pay (I’m looking at you, Paul Holmgren) by exploding the trade market wide open on Friday afternoon (One way to avoid a lockout: make the cap ceiling so damn high that everyone is happy). The draft will be just as it has been the past few years, with TSN making is seem like every player is way better than they actually are (unless your name is Stephen Stamkos) and with every team mysteriously having the name of the player they select on their jersey seconds after they announce the kid’s name.

I am not a psychic, but I can make predictions, keep reading if you want to see some probably scenes from tomorrow night’s NHL draft.


Brian Burke: Oh hey there Bryan, what’s up?

Bryan Murray: Oh Um Hi Brian, nothing much.

Brian Burke: Nooothing, hey you know what I just realised? We have the same first name!

Bryan Murray: Oh yeah, except my name is spelled with a ‘Y’ and yours is with an ‘I’

Brian Burke: Well then I guess that’s ‘Y’ you’re such a great dude!

Bryan Murray: hahahaha! You know Brian, you’re a pretty good guy.

Brian Burke: Well thanks, hey, by the way...who are you drafting?

Brian Murray: Well I was going to dra-WAIT A MINUTE! I won’t fall for that again!

Brian Burke: Damn, I’ll get you Bryan! Who the hell spells ‘Brian’ with a ‘Y’ anways!?

Later on...

Brian Burke: With the 25th pick in the 2011 entry draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs are proud to select...whoever the Ottawa Senators are going to take with their next pick.

Bryan Murray: OH COME ON!


Gary Bettman: We have a trade to announce.

The crowd gets excited.

Gary Bettman: The Colorado Avalan-

*From the crowd* Bob McKenzie: I tweeted that like, 20 minutes ago.

Gary Bettman: Oh, um...well The Da-

Bob McKenzie: That one too.

Gary Bettman: Jesus! How about...the Anah-

Eklund: Even I tweeted that.

Gary Bettman: F*Beep*ck Twitter.

Eklund: It was an E5!


Peter Chiarelli: So, why are you here again?

Zdeno Chara: Protection.

Peter Chiarelli: I don’t understand.

Zdeno Chara: You insist to bring cup with you everywhere, owners want me to be bodyguard.

Peter Chiarelli looks behind him at the Stanley cup, which has a leash around it.

Peter Chiarelli: That seems fair, what’s with that thing?
Zdeno shifts to the left revealing a stanchion propped up against a wall.

Zdeno Chara: Weapon of choice.

Peter Chiarelli: Ah.

Mike Gillis: Got any Sedins?

Glen Sather: You’re the only one who has Sedins, go fish.

Mike Gillis: Damn.

Jim Rutherford: Hey Glen, got any Staals?

Glen Sather: *Sigh* yeah. 2.

Jim Rutherford: Nice! Hey Pierre, any Staals?

Pierre Gauthier: No, but I’ll give you a Gomez for free! *Looks around* Anyone? Crap. Go fish Jim.

Jim Rutherford: I got Jordan! FISH UPON MY WISH, AND A SET! 4 Staals!

Ray Shero: Wait didn’t I have a Staal? You cheated!

All: F*beep*ck you Ray.


Paul Holmgren: So we’re all set, Brian Boucher and Aaron Asham for the first overall pick.

Steve Tambellini: Hmm, I don’t know...and isn’t Asham in Pittsburgh?

Paul Holmgren: You need a goalie, and Boucher is a goalie.

Steve Tambellini: Well, I can’t argue with that logic. I just think the 1st overall pick is worth more than him.

Paul Holmgren: *waves his hand* You WILL trade me the first overall pick.


Paul Holmgren: Eeeexcellent.

Pierre Gauthier: So let me get this straight, you can make a trade...even without your team sustaining a massive injury to your star player, OR because your token French Canadian has started to suck and you need a new one?

Mike Gillis: Yes.

Pierre Gauthier: Well I’ll be!


Ken Holland: I don’t know, it just happens.

Garth Snow: Just happens you say? Well, it sounds to me like you won’t be needing picks for round 1 through 5.

Ken Holland: No, we’re going to keep them.

Garth Snow: But come onnn I got burnt by Nabokoovvvv, my best player is Matt Moulssoooon. Please? I’ll trade Streit! He’s Swedish...or something.

Ken Holland: Swiss.

Garth Snow: Whatever something French.

Ken Holland: Goodbye Garth.


Pierre Gauthier: Hey man, welcome to the League!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Oh, thanks Pierre.

Pierre McGuire: I don’t know if you know this, but um...I generally manage the Montreal Canadiens.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: I know, it says so on the sign you’re holding.

Pierre Gauthier: How did that get there? Anyways, I want to shoot a little offer your way, get your feet wet with the big boys.

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Are you trying to push Scott Gomez on me?

Pierre Gauthier: No!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Because everyone keeps telling me you’re going to do that and I should run away.

Pierre Gauthier: Who said that? Yzerman? He’s a kidder!

Kevin Cheveldayoff: Yzerman was one, Bowman, Niewendyk, Fletcher, Maloney, Armstrong..

Pierre Gauthier: Umm..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: McFee, Sherman, Lombardi, Feaster, Lamouriello, Regier...

Pierre Gauthier: er..

Kevin Cheveldayoff: And Burke.

Pierre Gauthier: Wel...thank you for your time Kevin.


James Duthie: Well this is a surprise! We are getting information that Sidney Crosby will be personally selecting the next pick for the Pittsburgh Penguins! Looks like he’s healing nicely from his massive concussion!

Sidney Crosby: With the next pick, the Pittsbin Pengoons are proud to select, from the Bradnor Sneak Fiends in the Oh Ache Elle, Habana Shabanahabadoo.

James Duthie:....Uh....We’ll be right back.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Carey Price-The Most Interesting Man in the NHL

Not much can be said about the soft spoken goaltender for the Montreal Canadiens, but he has led a very, very, very interesting life.

He is not the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, because Jesus Christ isn’t this good at Hockey.

His glove side is a black hole for Hockey pucks.

When cows see him on a horse, they tie themselves up.

Picasso rose from the dead to design him a new mask.

He has never made a routine save.

He wrote the lyrics to the Big Mac jingle.

His post-win poses can be seen from space.

Cabbies pay him for the privilege to drive him around.

The triple low five prevents the universe from exploding

He invented the Knucklepuck.

PK Subban does not have 2 younger brothers, he cloned PK Subban...and then cloned PK Subban’s clone.

He did not kill Osama Bin Laden, because everyone expected him to.

He persuaded Alexei Yemelin to come to North America by sending him a picture of himself with his arms crossed.

He hates Puck Bunnies, but loves Puck Alpacas.

Mark Zuckerberg is still waiting for him to accept his friend request.

He convinced the Penguins to lose their series so that Matt Cooke had no chance of playing another game this season.

He has seen the future and 1967 is still a thing there too.

He knows he is in the Matrix.

He convinced Chris Bosh to go to the Miami Heat, just so everyone would stop caring about Chris Bosh

The Montreal Impact are named after his Johnson.

He putts with a pool cue.

He has never written an autobiography, but he has written several manualbiographies.

He knew about Lando the moment he laid eyes on him.

He owns a time share with Barak Obama, Steve Jobs, and The Dalai Lama...on The Moon.

He can spell Schwarzenegger, but he won’t.

Carey Price: I don’t always fight, but when I do, I prefer Tim Thomas

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Tweet Ten Predictions for the 2011 MLB Season

Special Baseball edition of the Tweet Ten-Yeah...I can make fun of Baseball players too.

10. Manny Ramirez will show up to White Sox opening day because even he forgot he signed with the Rays.

9.Jose Bautista will not repeat his dream season due to the fact that Vernon Wells is no longer around to give him his special 'power bars'

8.Tim Lincecum will finally get all those jokes everyone keeps making about his last name. OR: Similar to the Mitchell Report-Tim Lincecum will release a list of every player he has ever smoked up with.

7. To make a statement, 20,000 Expos fans will head to DC to make their presence known at a Nationals game-5,000 will instantly head home due to the fact that it's not 1$ hot dog night.

6.After years of decision making, Phil Coke will sign a sponsorship deal with Coca Cola, who narrowly beat out the entire country of Columbia.

5.To outdo the Yankees, the Rays will make Johnny Damon shave all of his body hair right before his first at bat.

4.After an off-season of English lessons, the Yankees second baseman will let everyone know that his last name is actually pronounced 'Canoe'

3. Due to pressure from the front office Ron Halliday will get his PhD-adhering to the Phillies' 'literal nickname' policy.

2. Albert Pujols will cause an uproar when he gets rid of his batting gloves and starts using the 'Moises Alou Method' for grip.

1.The MLB will retire Youppi's Exclamation Mark.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Habs Goal Pool

WINNER: Congrats to DBlye! Predicted the goal to be scored at 13:35 into the first-Was the closest out of everyone.

Fact-The Montreal Canadiens have been shut out in 3 straight games.
Fact-It's so sad, it's kind of funny.
Fact-Alaska is close to breaking up with Scott Gomez.

The Habs haven't scored in a while-I've started the Habs Goal Pool to get some entertainment out of the whole ordeal.

Leave a comment with your thoughts on when you think the Habs will score the next goal, bonus points for who scored it.

The winner gets a beer on me.

My Prediction: 13:35 into the first period-Scored by Lars Eller


MetricJulie:4th minute into tonight's game.

MeredithBedard: 9:27 into the first period-scored by James Wisniewki

Mechant_Mangeur: 44 seconds into the game-scored by Brian Gionta

MrBeersNYR: November 3rd 2011 8:23 PM-Most realistic prediction?

MattMarleau: 9 minutes into the 1st period of tonight's game.

Tareq: Minute 13 of the 1st

PK Arctic: 1:23 of the 1st period

Lang_2727: 7:00 into the first period-scored by Scott Gomez

KoolKeith19: 8:46 in the 1st period-scored by Brian Gionta

CyberCarotte: 11 minutes into the 1st period-scored by Tomes Plekanec

Jorge Eduardo Chaparro: 16 minutes into the 2nd period-scored by Hal Gill

FlirtyJo: 8:02 of the first period

HeyMyNameIsWill: 8:42 of the first period scored by Tomas Plekanec

mrd1808: 18:10 into the first period

R_G_HOUSE: 8:52 left in the first period-scored by Brian Gionta assisted by Scott Gomez

RichardObrand: 7:42 into the first-scored by Mike Cammalleri

NastyKnate: 3:42 into the first perid-scored by PK Subban from James Wisniewski and Tomas Plekanec-on the Powerplay

JimmyCorp: 45 seconds into the first period

HaraniT: 14:00 into the first period-Scored by P.K. Subban

__Danno: 3:33 of the 1st period-Scored by Hal Gill

Max_Habs: 2:00 into the second period-Scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

SeanRCampbell: 5:10 into the second period-Against Carolina

tec4_Cleveland: 8:21 into the second period-Scored by David Desharnais

cdiraddo: 2:00 into the first period

Blockersave93: 16:00 into the first period-Scored by Paul Mara on the Powerplay

HabsGirl4Life: 6:00 into the 2nd period-Scored by Benoit Pouliot

rgolteez: 9:00 into the first period-Scored by Brian Gionta

lbass007: 1:00 into the first period

Kuyaz: 11:21 into the first period-scored by Scott Gomez assisted by Brian Gionta

AnneLaur: 3:43 into the first period-Scored by Brian Gionta

TomPalko: 2:00 into the first period-Scored by Travis Moen

anxnguyen: 6:00 into the second period-Scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

HabItHerWay: 7:08 of the first period-Scored by Ryan White

Jess: 7:36 into the first perod-Scored by Tomas Plekanec

habsfan21: 8:08 into the first period-Scored by James Wisniewski

LadyHabs: 4:15 into the first period-Scored by P.K. Subban

GreyKnutson: 11:11 in the first period-scored by Scott Gomez

NMakris: 7:31 left in the first period-Scored by Brian Gionta

MatJacobson: 12:20 into the first period scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

bsimco: 3:25 into the 2nd period-Tomas Plekanec will be involved

robi90: 5:06 of the first period-Scored by Mathieu Darche

Bandit132: 5:45 in the first period

TeepRock: 7 minutes into the 1st period-Scored by Benoit Pouliot

JoeT_GBA: 8:21 of the second period-Scored by Michael Cammalleri on the Powerplay

DBlye: 12:35 into the first period-Scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

Robert Shaps: 11:01 into the 1st period-Scored by Brian

ivanessat: 13:06 of the second period-Scored by Mike Cammalleri

habsfollow: 3:30 into the first period-Scored by Mike Cammalleri

Bensucks: 15:28 of the first-Scored by Tomas Plekanec

Habsobserver: 7:00 of the first-Scored by Tomas Plekanec

DustinG: 4:00 into the first period-Scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

Habsfan4ever: 2:21 into the first period-Scored by Mike Cammalleri

Somesuperhotchick: 12:27 into the first period-Scored by PK Subban

BigSee80: 5:00 into the first-Scored by Mathieu Darche

ArponBasu: 11:17 into the first-Scored by Andrei Kostitsyn

EricEngels: 3:00 minutes into the first period-Score by Tomas Plekanec

BradBernhardt: 5:23 in the first-Scored by Brian Gionta

Touteparpillee: 16:27 in the first period-Scored by Benoit Pouliot

RiRi2514: 8:25 into the first-Scored by Brian Gionta

Habsfan324: 17:57 into the first-Scored by James Wisniewski

RagingLogan: 5:50 into the first-Scored by Paul Mara

Sir Gary Thomas: 9:45 into the first period.

MarkovHabFan79: 12:00 into the first period-Scored by Brian Gionta

Scotty 89: 5:24 into the first period-Scored by David Desharnais

DrDougMartin: 10:00 into the first period-Scored by Mike Cammalleri

ElJayHabs: 11:00 into the first period-Scored by Brian Gionta

TheTonyJones: 7:37 of the second period-Scored by Scott Gomez

Habziefan09: 5:00 into the first period-Scored by Scott Gomez

Simon Booth: 7:00 into the first period-Scored by Tomas Plekanec

Noah_McCabe:2:32 into the first period-Scored by Benoit Pouliot

JaredBook: 4:32 of the second period-Scored by Travis Moen

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tweet Ten Jobs we'd like to see Matt Cooke do now that he's suspended

10. Stanchion Tester
9. Rodeo Clown
8. GSP's punching bag
7. Movie floor cleaner-tongue only
6. Rebecca Black song listener
5. Don Cherry NHL name translator
4. Urinal cake taster
3.Host of the new reality show 'beat the crao out of the host of this show'
2. Mario Leimieux ass-kisser
1. Gary Bettman's personal booster seat

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Not so Habs Laughs-Max Pacioretty edition

If you’ve been following me for the past year and a bit you know that I never stray into the analytical side of things. I like to leave the commentary to the experts and choose to take a comedic approach to the Montreal Canadiens and the NHL as a whole.

I am going to post my thoughts on the Chara/Pacioretty incident and just this once cross over into the more serious side of blogging.

By now you have seen the hit from every angle; I am not going to talk about the hit.

I am going to talk about the result; I am going to talk about the health of Max Pacioretty.

What bothers me about the verdict that the NHL passed on to Chara is simply based on the fact that Max Pacioretty is still in the hospital. He will undergo serious therapy for the coming months, and will most likely never be the same player and person once he has ‘recovered’ from this ordeal. Zdeno Chara will continue on with his life as if nothing happened.

As far as I know Zdeno Chara never apologized for the incident. He stated that the incident was ‘unfortunate’, which is in no way shape or form an apology. I have no relationship with Zdeno Chara, I don’t know what he is like away from a Hockey rink, but I hope to God that he is losing sleep over this situation.

Zdeno Chara put a 23 year old kid who was just breaking into the NHL in the hospital. Whether or not it was done with intent is debatable, but at the end of the day whether or not Max Pacioretty plays another Hockey game is still in question.

I feel terrible for Max Pacioretty. I feel cheated the Zdeno Chara’s actions went unpunished-not because of the intent, but because of the result. Not from a Hockey perspective, but from a personal perspective. I’m not going to get into how the NHL justice system works; I am just stating that as a human being I feel like Zdeno Chara NEEDS to experience consequences for his actions.

I know life isn’t fair, and Zdeno Chara being able to celebrate with his teammates after goals, after winning games, after winning playoff rounds…is simply the height of unfairness.

Did the NHL drop the ball by not giving Chara any kind of punishment? I’ll leave that to the experts, I simply cannot give an objective opinion on the matter.

I know the NHL cannot give suspensions based on the fact that it is ‘the right thing to do’, but Max Pacioretty will never be the same again and it is Zdeno Chara’s fault.

Regardless of intent.

Go Max Pacioretty Go

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Tweet Ten other things you didn't know about Hal Gill.

Before we get into things-good vibes for Max Pacioretty.

Holy Crap-Hal Gill is a sniper! Here are some other things you didn't know about him.

10. Frequently uses Scott Gomez as a pillow.

9. Does not know why the team is called the Sabres, but their logo is a Buffalo.

8. His family pressured him to be a basketball player, but stereotypically; he can’t jump.

7. Thinks that P.K. stands for ‘Pretty Kool’

6. Still a firm believer that Zdeno Chara is some kind of mythical creature.

5. Has no idea why God frequently announces updates during games.

4. Used Pierre McGuire as a Q-tip once.

3. The King’s Speech is loosely based off of Hal Gill’s life.

2. Does both voices in the Dagwoods 5 after 5 commercial. True story.

1. Thinks that ‘Titanic’ is a documentary.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Inside Pierre Gauthier's War Room

The trade deadline is under 24 hours away and every Habs fan is up in arms about what Pierre Gauthier will (or won’t) do in the hours to come. The Interim GM (not officially, but everyone knows a dude who has never played an NHL game isn’t qualified to be the Habs GM) has made some moves but so far he hasn’t dropped any jaws.

Everyone out there seems to think that Pierre Gauthier is just sitting back and enjoying his life while every other GM is improving their team with trades and waiver claims.

They’re wrong.

Habs Laughs was recently invited (invited, pretended I was a plumber and installed a hidden camera…whatever) to the GMs office and had a first glace look at what the GM has done thus far.


Inside Pierre Gauthier’s War Room

January 23rd 2011

Pierre Gauthier: I disagree; I think they can both make a great impact.

Jacques Martin: You’re right, but they are totally different. One is all about size, the other is about style.

Kirk Muller: Style? We don’t need style, I need size.

Jacques Martin: You mean we need size.

Kirk Muller: Whatever.

Pierre Gauthier: The bottom line is, I have two options, they’re both guarantees. All I need to do is pick up the phone, call one of them and it’s done.

Kirk Muller: I say we go with size. The team is hungry. If we’re only a phone call away then I see no harm in bringing it in.

Jacques Martin: I was just going to say that.

Pierre Gauthier: Alright, I’ll call him up.

He picks up the phone.

Pierre Gauthier: Hello, Dominos? 4 Extra Large pepperoni please.

Jacques Martin: I want Cinastix!


February 1st 2011

*We enter to find Pierre Gauthier on the phone*

Pierre Gauthier: I know I know, I just….Yes I know. Well you know what they say: two heads are better than one haha!….you know I kind of did you a favour, you semi owe me Dave. You freaking gave me Dan Ellis! ….but he COULD have been! You know what the fans would have done if he had that twitter explosion as a Hab?...need I remind you of what they do when we win a playoff round?...Do you want that on your head? Look all I’m saying is-take the brother! What do you have to lose?...ASIDE from Hockey games?....ASIDE from fans? I’ll throw in the brother, a first round pick AND David Desharnais, the kid is totally the next Martin St. Louis, Eklund said so! You can’t lo----Hello?...Hello?



February 17th 2011

Trevor Timmins: Is it true that you just traded for Paul Mara?

Pierre Gauthier: How did you know that?

Trevor Timmins: It’s all over Twitter! You traded that pick we got for Lapierre? I already knew the 5’11 collegiate center I was going to draft with that!

Pierre Gauthier: I hadn’t even made the trade call to the league yet, how did twitter know? Who reported it?

Trevor Timmins: Bob McKenzie.

Pierre Gauthier: How the hell did he know?

Trevor Timmins: Well, he’s standing right there.

Bob McKenzie: Yo!

Pierre Gauthier: GAAH!!

Bob McKenzie: I'm the insider!

*McKenzie disappears*

Pierre Gauthier: I feel violated.


February 20th 2011

Pierre Gauthier: Thank you all for coming, I called you all in here today to discuss a very pressing issue.

Brian Burke: You’re not truculent?

Ken Holland: You’re secretly Bob Gainey?

Pierre Gauthier: No no, I wanted to get you all in the same room because I don’t want anyone saying I didn’t try to do what I’m about to do.

Steve Yzerman: This isn’t some kind of time share thing is it?

Pierre Gauthier: No, but it is an investment, a one time opportunity to get your hands on something that will help your team forever.

Peter Chiarelli: Toronto’s draft picks?

Pierre Gauthier: No, I am talking about….Scott Gomez.

Scott Gomez: That’s why I’m here?

Glen Sather: HA!

Mike Gillis: I’m out.

Ray Shero: I’ve lost by two best players and even I don’t want him.

Pierre Gauthier: Wait! This is my last ditch effort! I paid for all of your flights and accommodations, the least you can do is hear me out!

Bryan Murray: You didn’t pay for my flight or accommodations!

Pierre Gauthier: Well, you’re not really a GM.

Lou Lamoriello: Burn.

Pierre Gauthier: Scott, tell them why you’re awesome.

Scott Gomez: Are you serious? This isn’t going to work.

Pierre Gauthier: It better work, if you stay here things are going to be super awkward and I hate awkward situations. I traded Ryan O’Byrne because one time I went into the bathroom and someone was taking a dump, but the person didn’t hear me come in and really let it go. He came out of the stall when I was washing my hands. Super awkward.

Scott Gomez: Anybody want me?


Pierre Gauthier: Crap!

Scott Gomez: I hate you Pierre.

Pierre Gauthier: Yeah well, you’re richer than me.

Scott Gomez: True.

February 25th 2011

Jacques Martin: He’s most likely out for the year.

Pierre Gauthier: Eff.

Jacques Martin: …Gee?

Pierre Gauthier: Man you’re dumb sometimes.

Jacques Martin: What are we going to do about this?

Pierre Gauthier: I don’t know, I’ve traded for so many 7th defensemen, it’s kind of sad.

Jacques Martin: Lyle Odelein owes us a favour, want me to call him?

Pierre Gauthier: *sigh* I already called him.

Jacques Martin: Well, we can always trade for one more.

Pierre Gauthier: What does NHL 11 say?

Carey Price: It says Atlanta will give us Brent Sopel and Nigel Dawes for Ben Maxwell and a 4th Round pick.

Pierre Gauthier: You know, that can work, good work Carey.

Carey Price: Pass the Cheetos.

Pierre Gauthier: K

Jacques Martin: El?


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tweet Ten Best Moments of Pierre Gauthier's First Year

10. Finally figured out how to set up his account!

9. That time when Jaroslav Halak sealed his fate by not letting him win at connect 4.

8. Getting Justin Biebers autograph.

7. Succesfully continuing the tradition of releasing and then signing a better 3rd to 4th line center.

6. Tricking Tomas Plekanec into signing that 5 million peso per year contract.

5. Signing Alex Auld- the best goalie in the nhl whose last name rhymes
with his hairstyle.

4. Similar to Mario Lemieux and Sidney Crosby, Gauthier moved in to Price's

3. Successfully keeping the secret that he is in some kind of 'face off'
situation with Bob Gainey.

2. Not re-signing Marc-Andre Bergeron

1.Nabbed future Norris trophy winner: Bret Festerling

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Tweet Ten signs your Superbowl party sucks.

10. There’s Quiche.

9. During halftime the host makes you play ‘Glee Karaoke’

8. On your betting spreadsheet, Troy Polamalu is listed as ‘That dude with the hair from the head and shoulders commercials’

7. The beer is non-alcoholic because the host’s parents think that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time.

6. You’re attending some kind of online video chat thingy.

5. It's the week earlier and you're watching the Pro Bowl.

4. The host doesn't get the American commercials.

3. Everyone there is only there because there was a Habs game on that afternoon.

2. Did I mention there’s Quiche?

1. The Host doesn’t have HD and it turns out you’ve been watching a rerun of the 1987 Grey Cup the entire time.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Things overheard at the NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft.

Well, the first ever NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft is in the books, and Habs Laughs was there with a few mics of our own! This is what we were able to catch from the festivities.


Carey Price: Last year he took a clapper from inside the circle…almost killed me. Hit the glass before I moved….so happy it missed my head.

Tim Thomas: Wow.

Carey Price: Yeah…

Tim Thomas (to David Backes): Do you know who this kid is?

David Backes: Shia Labeouf?


Paul Statsny: Really? Two first rounders?

Phil Kessel: Yep

Paul Statsny: And Boston is…

Phil Kessel: Still good without me yes.

Paul Stastny: Damn….enjoy the car dude.

Phil Kessel: *Sigh* Thanks.


Henrik Sedin: Everyone is expecting us to do some kind of Olsen Twins thing and switch places.

Henrik Sedin: You’re not Henrik, I’m Henrik.

Daniel Sedin: Oh yeah.


Alex Ovechkin: And they say ‘you shave and we give money’ so I shave.

Jeff Skinner: What’s shaving like?


James Duthie: Ladies and Gentlemen, your NHL ALL-Star rookies!

*General applause*

Mike Richards: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! *Jumps out window*

Taylor Hall: Dude that’s probably your fault.

P.K. Subban: Ehn.


Eric Staal: If we don’t pick Chara, he might he might eat us.

Ryan Kesler: True.

Eric Staal: We pick Chara.

Nik Lidstrom: Hey Zdeno…are you going to eat us because we didn’t pick you?

Zdeno Chara:…..I might.


Matt Duchene: Come one man say it.

Jamie McBain: I dunno…

Duncan Keith: Say it!

Jamie McBain: Come one guys…


Jamie McBain: Fine!....Up And At Zem!

All: Aaaaaahhhh!


James Duthie: Hey Phil, Have you met Tyl---ooohhhhh right.


Henrik Lundqvist: So, was that a conscious decision to put those glasses on this morning when you left the house?

Jonas Hiller: Yeah…

Henrik Lundqvist: Just wondering.


Dustin Byfuglien: Kaner, Cap’s serious…we’re on the same team again!

Patrick Kane: Looks like it.

Jonathan Toews: Yep

Dustin Byfuglien: Ha-ha now Sharp is Byfuglien!!!

Patrick Kane: No…it’s still you.

Dustin Byfuglien: Awww…. Hey by the way, I still haven’t gotten my cup ring.

Jonathan Toews: I wouldn’t know anything about that.


James Duthie: So how does it feel to be an all-star again?

Martin Havlat: It’s best I not say or do anything at risk of my agent going on a twitter rampage.

James Duthie:….fair enough.


Brad Richards: Hey man, I’m glad I had a chance to talk to you.

Corey Perry: What’s up?

Brad Richards: I wanted to be the one to extend an invitation for you to join the NHL Two First Names club.

Corey Perry: Wow, I’m honored!

Duncan Keith: It really is awesome.

Tim Thomas: The perks are fantastic.

Rick Nash: And the women are off the charts!

Corey Perry: Uhh..

Rick Nash: Nash Bridges was a very popular show!

Tweet Ten rejected skills competition events.

10. The ‘Get Alex Kovalev To Try’ competition.
9. Head shot accuracy competition.
8. The Bruce Boudreau F bomb count!
7. The rookie spin-a-rama shootout.
6. The Guess what Ovechkin is trying to say competition.
5. The ‘Try not to score on Martin Brodeur’ contest.
4. The ‘Guess where Nabokov will play’ trivia game.
3. The James Wisniewski Mime showdown.
2. The Spell Cammalleri spelling bee
1. Chase the greased up mascot contest

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Actual Odds on Saku Koivu's return

Sometimes you just can't make comedy up...sometimes you have to find it in unexpected places...sometimes you have to wait for someone to tell you that something is funny....and that is what happened today.

Credit Matthew Ross, Radio Host on Game Points on the Team 990 (Sundays 6pm-8pm and Tuesdays 11pm-1am, also home of the Tweet Ten) for sending me this info.

You know that people these days will bet on anything. From the color of the post-game Gatorade dump to how many goals Martin Brodeur will let in within a 5 minute rock is left overturned.

Leave it to to make up some odds on the return of Saku Koivu tonight. Take a look at the lines below.

Will Saku Koivu (ANA) score a goal?
Yes +325 ( or 13/4)
No -450 ( or 2/9)

Will Saku Koivu (ANA) record a point?
Yes +140 (or 7/5)
No -170 (or 10/17)

Will Saku Koivu (ANA) be the first star of the Game?
Yes -150 (or 2/3)
No +110 (or 11/10)

What this is saying is that in their opinion Saku Koivu is favored to be the First Star of the game, but not favored at all to record a point in it.

Only in Montreal.

Go Habs Go.

Welcome back Saku.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tweet Ten Habs Commandments

Tweet Ten Habs Commandments-

Thou must abide.

10. Thou shall always blame the coach after a loss.

9. Thou shall never mention the coach after a win.

8. Thou art a douche if you put your last name on the back of your jersey.

7. Thou will go to hell if you ever boo Saku Koivu.

6. Thou must buy at least 3 copies of every Alex Kovalev instructional DVD.

5. Thou shall never forget the Huet/Aebischer tandem.

4. Honor thy Rocket and thy Flower.

3. Thou shall pretend that you are ok with $10 beers.

2. Thou shall always wait for Andrei Markov.

1. Thou shall always, ALWAYS, chant 67.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I Found Pierre Gauthier's Blackberry...Again!

Habs Laughs is back from vacation and guess what, I found Pierre Gauthier’s BlackBerry again!

Actual excerpts from Pierre Gauthier’s Blackberry. (disclaimer: previous sentence may or may not be false…it’s false)

BBM Conversation with PIN 672MF2134 Colin Campbell

Pierre Gauthier~Canadiens GM!: Dude, what the hell?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Sigh, hello.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Ok I have an actual issue, but I can’t let that slide…why did you actually type ‘sigh’?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Because you’re boring.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: I’m boring?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Yeah Bob…you’re boring.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: I’m not Bob Gainey.

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: What?

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Can you read?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Selectively.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: I’m not Bob Gainey, I took over for him a while ago.

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Well I’ll be. Well anyways, what’s the issue?

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Your suspension of Mike Cammalleri.

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Ah yeah…slashed a rookie or something.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Are you serious? Did you even see what happened?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Yeah I saw, he slashed one of the Neidermayers.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: My god.

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Anyways, the suspension stands, Greg said so.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: I’m sorry what?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: My son told me that Cammalleri didn’t willingly turn over the puck when they played against each other last season or something like that and I’ve been just waiting for an opportunity to take him out.

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Are you seri-

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Shit! I just deleted the convo, can you repeat what you just said?

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: Nope!

Pierre Gauthier~Undefeated!: Rats.

Colin Campbell~Head shot count-0: no no…Bruins. 2010-2011 Northeast division champs!

Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Hey Max, just want to let you know that you’ve been traded.

Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps


Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps

I’m serious.

Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Stop texting me in English

Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps

That’s part of the problem…we don’t care what language you speak…we’re moving on, you’re not living up to our expectations.

Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps

You can’t trade me! I’m Maxime Lapierre! I’m the only connection the fans have to a French Canadian hero!

Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Yeah, the self entitlement thing isn’t very attractive either. Besides Darche does twice what you do and doesn’t flop after every hit to boot.

Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Oh come on…I’ll get a degree! The University of Phoenix takes anyone!

Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Sorry Max, it’s done.

Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps

Where am I going?

Text to 514-404-0404-Max Laps


Text from 514-404-0404-Max Laps


Text to list ALL GMS

Hi guys, I know it’s a long shot…but I’m looking to unload Andrei Kostitsyn. Looking for a roster player back…doesn’t have to be much. Let me know either way, thanks.

Text from Rick Dudley: No

Text from Peter Chiarelli: Not if you paid me….anything less than $1,000,000

Text from Jim Rutherford: Nope

Text from George McPhee: I’m famous now, how did you get this number?

Text from Bob Murray: I already too Lapierre, I’m not your trash can Pierre.

Text from Darcy Regier: No

Text from Jim Rutherford: I already have to deal with Samsonov.

Text from Dale Tallon: No thanks

Text from Lou Lamoriello: No, and I’m better than you.

Text from Garth Snow: Nah, I like the attention that comes with picking first overall.

Text from Glen Sather: HAHAHAHA

Text from Bryan Murray: Already took one of his kind off your hands, my job can’t handle two.

Text from Paul Holmgren: No, and hey…remember the playoffs? That was awesome for me.

Text from Ray Shero: Crosby says no…so no.

Text from Jay Feaster: I have a really good mediocre vibe going on here…don’t want to bring the average down.

Text from Stan Bowman: Nah…he’s not North American.

Text from Greg Sherman: I’m out of 2010 first rounders.

Text from Scott Howson: Non. Is that how you say it?

Text from Joe Niewendyk: Want Ribeiro in return? Didn’t think so.

Text from Ken Holland: Not a Swede.

Text from Steve Tambellini: I’m looking to have the exact same team for the next 25 years.

Text from Dean Lombardi: Nope

Text from Chuck Fletcher: Do you know how much food Latendresse eats? My catering bill has tripled.

Text from David Poile: …..eff you.

Text from Don Maloney: I don’t think he’ll like Winnipeg.

Text from Doug Wilson: Thornton can’t pronounce his name.

Text from Doug Armstrong: Still reeling after loss of Eller and Schultz, can’t afford to give up anything else.

Text from Mike Gillis: Does he have a twin brother?

Text from Brian Burke: Yeah sure!

Text to Brian Burke: Really?

Text from Brian Burke: No. But I’m going to sign him this off-season for more than market value.

Text to Brian Burke: Bastard.

Text from Brian Burke: I love myself