Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tweet Ten 11-Special Edition!

In honor of the Montreal Alouettes making and competing in the Grey Cup this Sunday against the Saskatchewan Roughriders I thought I would shake things up a bit for this week's Tweet Ten. It's a special CFL edition, hope you enjoy!

Tweet Ten signs you’re playing in the Grey Cup and not in the Superbowl.

10. You follow your blockers on your kick-off return and pass the 50 yard line twice.

9. It’s snowing.

8. Americans have never heard of the band playing the half-time show.

7. You try to give your coach a Gatorade shower but its -20 outside and you end up crushing him with a block of Gatorade ice.

6. The new Tim Horton’s Touchdown Turnover commercial just can’t compare to anything that GoDaddy can come up with.

5. Anthony Calvillo was named the game’s MVP and the game hasn’t even started yet.

4. The flags are Orange. That’s just weird.

3. It’s 1-0 after the first quarter.

2. Cleo Lemon isn’t playing in the Grey Cup either.

1. Chances are every player on your team has played for the opposing team at some point in their career.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tweet Ten 10!

Tweet Ten Andrei Markov alternatives

10. Find out what scientist the Sabres used to build Tyler Myers and have him build one for us.

9. Somehow combine Yannick Weber, Alex Picard, Alex Henry and Mathieu Carle into one person.

8. Look up Marc Andre Bergeron’s number so they know which numbers not to push when using the phone.

7. Trade for O’Byrne. I’m sure we have some 18 year old prospect to give up somewhere.

6. If they could ‘rebuild’ the 6 Million Dollar Man because ‘they had the technology’ then why can’t we do it too?

5. Call up Carolina and commission Eric Staal to play for us until Markov gets healthy. He owes us.

4. Just dress 5 defensemen, Carey Price will bail us out of it somehow.

3. Clone P.K. Subban. Actually they should have done that at the beginning of the season.

2. Get Pierre Gauthier in equipment. It’s high time he started earning his pay.

1. Get one of those Deloreans, crank it to 88 and try to prevent this whole thing from ever happening.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Things Carey Price Has Learned While Playing 15 Out Of 16 Games

A lot can change from season to season eh?

I’m not going to go over what the Habs have done in the past 5-6 months to get to where they are now…but the major aspect that has re-tooled this team was the Jaroslav Halak trade.

The subject has been beat to death, but the way I see it is…while we lost Jaroslav Halak, we gained Ian Schultz, Lars Eller, Tomas Plekanec…and of course the renewed and refreshed Carey Price.

He pretty much had a year off last season so maybe that’s why he’s so well rested these days. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go with ‘confidence and natural talent’ as the reasons that he’s carrying a good chunk of this Hockey team.

Last season I did a piece that went over the ‘Things Carey Price has Learned/Noticed While Riding The Bench. You can find it here :

Now that he’s dominating crease time, I think it’s only fair to revisit the subject from the opposite point of view.

Here are the Things Carey Price Has Learned/Noticed While Playing 15 Out Of 16 Games.

-Josh Gorges has a great ass. Hal Gill needs to tighten his up a bit.

-Whenever someone scores on me a big red light goes on. It’s like God is letting everyone know that I messed up.

-The pre-game intro really puts a damper on the fact that we’re trying to NOT tell everyone that we’re superheroes.

-When you look at him from 200 feet away, Zdeno Chara kind of looks like a human being and not like 3 people standing on top of each other...who is also ugly as hell.

-TV time outs are a great time to vote for myself for first star!

-You can easily substitute your water for any clear liquid and everyone will still think its water! I drank Diet Cream Soda against the Canucks and Miso Soup against the Hurricanes!

-There’s a dude with season tickets who sits right behind the net that looks exactly like my Dentist….that would explain the ‘Carey I’m your Dentist’ sign he keeps bringing.

-Between whistles I always think of witty things to say that are coincidentally 140 characters or less. I wish there was a free forum in which to express these thoughts to the world.

-What happened to the Hostess from 2 years ago? She was awesome. What job is better than hosting 2 minute long game shows for mediocre prizes? Also, why can’t they just hire a full time host? It’s never the same person twice. The fans need consistency.

-That ‘crush your head’ thing from Kids In The Hall pisses the crap out of opposing team’s goalies.

-I don’t understand why the fans chant ‘REY-CA’ whenever I do something positive.

-Halak carved his name on the inside of the right post. With some editing it now reads ‘Boom ShaHalaka’.

-Contrary to what everyone says about me, P.K. Subban is as close to Jesus as the Habs are going to get.

-Jeff Halpern looks exactly like Mike Komisarek.

-What happened to the young Travis Moen and Tommy Pyatt from the pre-game video? They were totally awesome then…

-The PhD line has a degree from McGill, Princeton, and a 4th overall draft pick on it. I wonder if McGill and Princeton regret taking Darche and Halpern too.

-On slow nights I like to play ‘The Social Network’ in my head but I sub myself in for the Winklevoss twins. Wouldn’t it be awesome if there were two of me?

-You don’t even know how bad Josh Gorges wants in on me and P.K’s post win handshake.

-I let the Lightning win in OT. We got a point out of it and it gave Guy Boucher some solace in the fact that he has to hang out with Dan Ellis every day.

-Remember that game I invented with Lapierre and Haiti? Well I invented a new one: Every time the fans don’t boo me I devote another year to the Canadiens franchise. Right now I’m locked up until 2026.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tweet Ten 9!

Tweet Ten Scott Gomez excuses.

10. They don’t pay me enough to try.

9. Gionta, Pouliot, Moen, Pyatt, Eller, Lapierre, Darche and Halpern are all bringing me down.

8. I won the Calder Trophy and a Stanley cup in my rookie year…I think I’ve deserved a few years off!

7. I’ve been up late reading Sarah Palin’s book for the 7th time. She’s my idol.

6. I’m pretty sure Saku Koivu cursed the number 11.

5. I’m still devastated that I can’t see Russia from my house anymore.

4. I know that the fans loved Kovalev, I’m just doing what he did.

3. I only play well against teams with other Alaskans on them.

2. I always have a terrible October and November, I’m just keeping up with tradition.

1. I have a bet with P.K. Subban; no matter how bad I play no GM is going to be willing to trade for my contract…again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Habs Sing

Narrator: We’re sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, we will return you to *insert sitcom/drama/comedy/Hockey Game/Leafs Game/witty political comedy show here* in just a moment but we just wanted to take the time to extend this INCREDIBLE OFFER to you!

Have you ever wondered to yourself ‘Man, I wish I had a CD with songs sung by my favorite Hockey team’? If your answer was yes then HAVE WE GOT THE OFFER FOR YOU! If your answer was no then I would seriously consider watching this infomercial and giving us your money anyways!

The Bell and Molson corporations have teamed up to create: ‘The Habs Sing’, a bona-fide cornucopia of songs sung by your favorite Montreal Canadiens!

In this 3 disc set you get a mélange of 62 songs sung by your heroes who wear the Bleu Blanc et Rouge!

Like altered lyrics? This CD set is full of them! Order now, before even hearing any of the songs to get your hands on this once in a lifetime collection!

Have you ordered? GREAT! Now here’s a sample of what you’ve just purchased while you wait the 6-8 months it takes for the set to arrive at your house due to the shoddy and unprofessional delivery service we hired to save money!

Like Disco? We don’t either…but who can resist boogie-ing down to this fiiine interpretation of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will Survive’ sung by third liner (at best) pest Maxime Lapierre!

Maxime Lapierre:

First Hi was hafraid, Hi was petrified,
Kept thinking Hi could never live without Gui by my side,
But then I spend so many nights with the new frenchy Mathieu Darche,
Hand hi grew strong, Hi convinced them Hi belong,
But Hi do not, I dive for fun,
Hand hi ham the biggest rat out of hanyone,
You should have traded me like Gui but Hi know I that Hi Ham good for on thiiiiing,
And that’s not fightiiiiing, not fightiiiiiiiiiiiing HEY HEY!

Narrator: Classic, what a voice on that kid.

Let me ask you something, what comes to mind when I say the words Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches? If you thought the same as me and two bunnies wrestling came to mind then I would seriously think about consulting a Psychiatrist. If you’ve read these pre-approved cue cards that are right in front of me then it should remind you of Elvis! You know who loves Elvis? Mike Cammalleri, here’s good ole Mike singing and interpretation of his favorite Elvis tune ‘Hound Dog’!

Mike Cammalleri:

You ain’t nothin but a roo-kieee,
Cryin’ all the time.
You ain’t nothin’ but a rooo-kieeee,
Cryin’ all the time.
Welllll you can’t take a slash and your name is hard to rhyme.

Narrator: Oh baby that was something! You know, one of my favorite styles of music is rap. No, seriously! Coincidentally, Hal Gill loves rap too! Check him out in his interpretation of Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’

Hal Gill:

You betta LOSE YOURSELF in the D-zone, the for-ward is comin and he’s way better than you!
You only got one shot! Do not miss your awkward lunge or else he will use you like a pylon YOU BETTA!

Narrator: I am down with that! I know what you’re thinking: ‘Where is the Country song on this album?’ Yes, I am a mind reader, don’t tell the government! Your wait for a Country song is over as Country fanatic Carey Price takes his hand at Johnny Cash’s classic ‘Ring Of Fire’

Carey Price:

My 5 hole was as big as a tire’s, many lost faith in me even Pierre Mcguire,
But it was Halaaaaak that got fired, that got fired.


Hoooo doggy!! Now, how much would you think we would charge for such a cd set? $500? Wow…that’s pretty close! We can offer you this incredible collection for the very high price of $250 plus shipping handling and purchase fee of $200. What a bargain! Call now and receive the bonus of receiving it sooner than you would have had you called later! What a deal!

What’s that you say? You want more?


Here is Andrei Kostitsyn singing a song about butts by those dudes from the 90s!

Andrei Kostitsyn:

I like bieg Butt, cannot lie.
Where is money?

Narrator: And here is P.K. Subban singing the Backstreet Boys!

P.K. Subban:

I don't care who you are,
Where you're from,
What you did,
As long as you love meeee

Narrator: The kid’s got moxie! Didn't change a single word!

Don’t touch that dial, because you don’t want to miss the next snippet from our incredible collection, Roman Hamrlik singing MC Hammer! Get it?

Roman Hamrlik:

Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do

It’s times like these when I wish I had a tradeable contract.

Narrator: I’m sure you’re not alone Roman!

Had enough? Too bad because we still have more time to kill in our commercial spot! Have fun listening to the incomparable duo of Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta sing another classic Duo’s hit; Sonny and Cher’s ‘I Got You Babe’

Brian Gionta: They say I’m short, but when you’re around, I play like a giant the fans they just can’t frown.
Scott Gomez: I’m from Alaska, I know that’s weird but when I’m with you I barely have any fearrrrs.
Together: Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..
Brian Gionta: We played in Jersey and we won a cup, but the following year you left me because you cleaned up.
Scott Gomez: Oh yea that’s true I am a wealthy man, but don’t be afraid I’m still your number one fan.
Together: Babe….I got you babe…I got you Babe….I got youuuuu Baaaaaaabe.

Narrator: Charming. Charming. We know the Holidays are right around the corner so we made sure to include some of your favorite Holiday classics! Here is Tomas Plekanec singing the famous Christmas song; Jingle Bells!

Tomas Plekanec:

I was a little girl,
But now I am a man,
I have a big new contract,
That was the master plan,
I can play Hockey,
Really really well,
Annnnd that is why,
Halak said farewell!
OHHHH Turtle-necks Turtle-necks are what I like to wear,
Oh what fun it is to play for a man with terrible haaaiiiirrr!
Turtle-necks Turtle-necks they look so good on me,
I hope that we win a Stanley cup or I want out; just like Gui!

Narrator: So touching…don’t think we forgot about youl Jewish viewers, here is real life Jew Jeff Halpern singing the classic Hanukkah song; Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel!

Jeff Halpern:

I guess that you can sayyyy, that I’m a journeyman,
But have you seen my face-offfffs? You’ll be my biggest fan!
Ohhh Face-offs Face-offs Face-offs I’m the best and I ain’t lyin.
And just because I’m Jewish I don’t know your cousin Chaim.

Narrator: And How!

Well friends, that’s all we have time for here in this paid advertisement. If you want to order this CD call the number on your screen or visit our website

Note: Not an actual website, it just looks cool!

Call now!




Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tweet Ten 8!

I know the Blog has become dominated by the Tweet Tens...but I'll have a d new post up tomorrow night.

Tweet Ten Habs November Predictions.

10. Lars Eller will score his first goal as a Hab but it will get waived off because apparently you can’t pick up the puck and throw it in the net.

9. P.K. Subban will also score his first goal as a hab, against the Leafs, in overtime…P.K. is that legit.

8. 60% of Montrealers will shave their heads due to a new Habs marketing campaign asking fans “Are you as bald as Auld?”

7. Pierre Gauthier will go crazy after finding out that Anaheim would not accept the Andrei Kostitsyn for Ryan Getzlaf deal he proposed when it worked perfectly for him when he was playing NHL 11 last night.

6. Mike Cammalleri will get suspended for accidentally punching an opponent in the face during his routine fist pump goal celebration.

5. When the Predators come to Montreal, the Kostitsyn brothers will switch teams and wait for someone to notice their hilarious prank. Nobody will.

4. Daniel Carcillo will make the Refs invent a new penalty when he plays the Habs on the 16th because as far as they can remember nobody has ever tried to pull out somebody’s teeth during play.

3. After weeks of torment, Dustin Boyd will finally legally change his name to Justin.

2. Carey Price will score a goal, probably on Martin Brodeur and the Habs don’t even play the Devils.

1. Bell will release a new app for the Backberry and IPhone, fans will be able to vote for Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez’s left winger.