Thursday, April 29, 2010

Pros and Cons of the Habs Advancing to the Second Round

The Habs have done the unthinkable! Last night the Montreal Canadiens eliminated the Washington Capitals from the Stanley Cup Playoffs....and there was only a minimal amount of rioting! With the win, the Habs advance to second round, but at the same time...they’re playing the Penguins. With every Pro for advancing comes a Con...Here is a complete list.


At least four more Habs games!
Con: At least four more terrible Jacques Martin suits.


Pro: Jaroslav Halak shut up Alex Ovechkin and put on one of the best goaltending performances in the modern era.
Con: He will probably be doing that for another team next season.


Pro: No more ridiculously exuberant Alexander Ovechkin goal celebrations.
Con: No more ridiculously exuberant Alexander Ovechkin goal celebrations....ever. He's probably bolting to Russia.


Pro: The Habs shut up the experts and showed them that size doesn’t matter and that speed, drive, and heart can win Hockey games.
Con: We still have an uncanny resemblance to the lollipop guild.


Pro: Sales in Car flags have risen exponentially.
Con: If we advance again they will probably be burnt to a crisp.


Pro: Conspiracy theorists can take a step back, Ovechkin and company didn’t advance.
Con: Crosby is coming up...


Pro: Many Habs fans can’t believe the upset they just witnessed. NOBODY thought they were going to win this series.
Con: Those same fans are probably shit broke thanks to sensible betting in their playoff pools.


Pro: The Habs’ Penalty Kill was an incredible 97% through the First Round. This bodes well against the Penguins, who were 19th in the league on the Power Play this past season.
Con: This will only encourage Maxim Lapierre to keep diving.


Pro: The Bell Centre Flag Bearers live to see at least two more games.
Con: The team might have to cater to Matt Cooke’s pre-game blindside ritual.


Pro: Bruce Boudreau finally has a chance to get his blood pressure under control.
Con: He’s a terrible Golfer...


Pro: More time for SK74 to get in Martin’s good graces and get back in the line-up.
Con: More time for Martin to think of excuses to justify keeping SK74 out of the line-up.


Pro: Dominic Moore is playing himself into ‘worth the 2nd round pick’ territory.
Con: Jaroslav Halak is playing himself into the ‘Worth the three 1st Round picks we would get from that offer sheet’ territory.


Pro: More P.K. Subban.
Con: ....I can’t think of one.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

How The Habs Can Upset The Capitals

I’m only 22, but I like to think I’ve watched a lot of Hockey. I’ve witnessed some of the great moments in Habs history (Donald Audette scoring after getting his hand chopped off) and some of the ‘lesser’ moments in Habs history (Saku Koivu getting blinded by Justin Williams). Because of my superior Hockey knowledge I was able to develop several methods that the Montreal Canadiens can use to successfully defeat the Washington Capitals in their quarterfinal series. These methods will work just as surely as the Chicago Blackhawks will lose in the Stanley cup final because they have Hossa on their team.

How The Habs Can Upset The Capitals.

-Bribe the Capitals’ nutritionist to add in KFC’s ‘Double Down’ as a mandatory addition to every meal.

-Once a day, slip a different season of 24 on DVD into the Caps’ locker room.

-Copy ‘The Simpsons’ ‘Pigeon-Rat’ idea and create Caroslav Prilak.

-Trick the kids on Washington (Backstrom, Carlson, Varlamov etc) that the Ghosts of the Forum are real.

- Find Marty McSorley’s Illegal stick, make dozens of copies and sneak them in to the Capitals equipment bags.

-Ensure that Jose Theodore is in goal for the Capitals.

-Watch ‘Rocky IV’ before every game.

- Have a team meeting in between the second and the third periods in which everyone says passionately where they’re from. This is to be followed by a speech from an old veteran, who opens a box and gives the team new uniforms.

-Have a few team members go out on the town with the local mob and convince them to bet heavily on the Habs.

-Have your leading scorer make some benign comments about the other teams’ starting goalie.

-Cover the blades of the Capitals’ skates with clear Hockey tape right before they get dressed, and then play the ‘Benny Hill’ theme song when they come out to the ice for the pre game warm up.

-Expose the roster to a liiiittle bit of Gamma Radiation, then get them pissed off.

-Win game one. If that happens Bruce Boudreau will be fired, Ovechkin will bolt to Russia...and we’ve got ourselves a sweep!

-Play better than them.

-Douse Ovechkin’s Hockey pants in superglue, he’s bound to sit at some point .....right?

-Inform Bruce Boudreau that he’s late for a commercial Japan.

-Avoid mentioning what occurred the last time the Habs won a playoff series around any of the players.

And the most effective method of all:

-Trade for Lecavalier.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Things Carey Price has Learned/Noticed while riding the Bench

Things Carey Price has Learned/Noticed while riding the Bench
It’s no secret that Jaroslav Halak has won the starting job from Carey Price. While Jaro spends his days making Pierre Gauthier’s job a living hell, Carey has been riding more pine than a horny lumberjack. It can get to be pretty boring sitting down and doing nothing for games on end, so Carey did us a favour and put a list together of things he’s noticed/learned while being glued to the bench these past few weeks.

- The Bell Centre scoreboard is slightly bigger than the TV I have in my apartment.

- Apparently Jaro can’t tell the difference between Regular Gatorade and Human Gatorade.

- Kirk Muller’s hair has exactly 38 different shades in it.

- Jacques Martin has no style.

- This guy named Jean Beliveau has awesome seats, I wonder why?

- Pierre McGuire’s head is way too small for his body; he looks like that guy from ‘Men In Black’
after Tommy Lee Jones blew his head off.

- They say celebrities go to Kings games in LA but the only one I saw was Jay Leno, and he’s not a celebrity anymore.

- As far as I know, Youppi is not a real animal.

- The Energie Cardio people keep singing the wrong words to that song. It drives me crazy every time.

- Polo on ice would not catch on in North America. Hahaha Horse skates.

- It must cost the Molson Brothers a fortune to pay the salaries for 21,273 coaches for every home game.

- Opposing teams’ back up goalies do not like to partake in cross-rink staring contests.

- I invented a new game. Every time Maxime Lapierre fights I donate 1 Million dollars to Haiti.

- Don’t try to throw a white sheet over you and walk around the Bell Centre pretending to be a ‘Forum Ghost’. Everyone will know it’s you.

- The Refs don’t like it when I sneak in to their locker room before the game and turn their Mics on when they’re not looking.

- They ALSO don’t like it when I bring my own whistle.

- Eating at 3 Amigos before the game is a terrible idea.

- I think it’s weird how nobody noticed that they misspelled ‘Gainey’ on his retirement banner....probably not on purpose.

And his most insightful thought of all...

-Why don’t they sell Poutine at the Bell Centre? I feel like that would sell huge.