Thursday, September 13, 2012

Tweet Tens

Tweet Ten things Youppi! will do during a lockout.

10. Shave
9. Become Geoff Molson's personal Butler.
8. Appear in a series of Sesame Street episodes playing Elmo's Canadian cousin.
7. Participate in Survivor: Mascot Island
6. Rent himself out as a pillow for hire.
5. Learn to talk.
4. Will become the Alouettes Mascot after EndZone and Blitz mysteriously disappear.
3. Brag about being one of 3 Mascots in the MLB Hall of Fame
2. Haunt Jeffrey Loria.
1. Write an autobiography entitled: 50 Shades of Orange

Tweet Ten new Features found in NHL 13
10. The Edmonton Oilers now have the ability to draft defensemen.
9. Find the hidden Easter Egg that lets you push Gary Bettman down a flight of stairs.
8. Enter the code "daddyhelps" to lower penalty frequency for your team and raise it for your opponents-Only available while playing with the Bruins.
7. New realism while playing with Toronto: Make any trade you want to make, still finish 13th or worse.
6. Be A Pro mode now let's you choose whether or not you want to go to a bar at 2AM during the playoffs.
5. Be A GM Mode now has a "automatically the siblings of your star players" feature.
4. Choose Your Own Adventure CBA negotiations mode!
3. Integrate your game with NBA and Madden titles to make sure the other teams in your city lose so you become the most popular team in town.
2. Gauthier Mode-Your players disappear during games and the game itself costs $2000
1. Press ABAB after winning or losing a playoff series with Montreal to enter Fan Riot Mode. 

Tweet Ten Soccer Celebrations.

10. The Thierry Henry: Scores then refreshes himself by drinking a water bottle full of Irishmen's tears.
9. The Cristiano Ronaldo: Scores then kisses his own feet.
8. The Diego Maradona: Scores then thanks the big man upstairs.
7. The Ronaldo: Scores then eats an entire Birthday Cake.
6. The Landon Donovan: Scores then goes on a rant about how more people should pay attention to MLS.
5. The Fernando Torres: Scores then signs with another team for 3 times the money he's currently making.
4. The Lionnel Messi: Scores then performs open heart surgery while jumping over the grand canyon on a skateboard.
3. The Frank Ribery: Scores then continues to be the world's biggest badass.
2. The Mario Balotelli: Scores then punches the goalie in the face
1. The David Beckham: Scores then makes out with Posh Spice for 45 minutes

Tweet Ten Clauses Included in Max Pacioretty's Deal.

10. $5 per twitter follower.
9.  Unlimited access to the Youppi costume, no questions asked.
8.  8 Free wings from Cage Aux Sports every time the team scores 5 goals.
7. All of his goals must be announced by The Rock.
6. Penthouse in the Tours Des Canadiens.
5. If injured, he gets full control of the goal horn.
4. One Million Dollar Bonus every time he defies all odds and makes us feel awesome inside.
3. No Lockout Clause? Worth a try....
2. A No Trade Clause for Erik Cole
1. Season tickets for life for Mike Obrand AKA Habs Laughs. 

Tweet Ten Excuses given by the Norwegian Referee in the Canada/USA Semi Final.

10. You think I'm going to piss off Obama?
9. I was told that I can't let Maple Leafs fans experience winning.
8. Someone needed to get that country off of their Vancouver 2010 high horse
7. I hate Justin Bieber
6. They told me they would let Norway win at something...
5. I spent the entire match watching Dressage on my iPhone.
4. I was promised a Disneyland in Oslo!
3. I am terrified of Abby Wambach
2. I am equally terrified of Hope Solo
1. I'm Norwegian, I just found out what Soccer was like 2 hours ago.

Tweet Ten Improvements to Olympic Events.

10. Blindfold Archery
9. Shark infested Water Polo
8. 400 Meter running of the bulls.
7. Buttered Pole Vault
6. Javelin catch
5. Slamball
4. Pommel actual horse
3. Quadrathalon: Swimming, Biking, Running,
2. Alcoholic beverage Table Tennis AKA Beer Pong
1. Lightsaber Fencing

Tweet Ten fake Rick Nash quotes spoken after his trade to New York

10. "Pinch me!"
9. "Pinch me again!"
8. "So this is what happiness feels like"
7. That's all you got for me?"
6. "So...can I win now?"
5. "Wisniewski wanted me to ask you if he can come too"
4."When you say I've been traded to New mean the Rangers right?"
3."I'd like to thank the fan in Columbus for his continuous support"
2."Please inform Team Canada that I will be unavailable for next year's World Hockey Championship"
1. "Yes I definitely do believe in God"

Tweet Ten Donald Fehr reactions to the NHL's CBA proposal.

10. I'll tell you when he stops laughing.
9. I need to write them back, are there one or two Ps in "Work Stoppage"?
8. Hey everyone! Come and see this hilarious fake CBA proposal Bettman just sent me!
 7. Why is this handwritten in crayon?
6. That's it. I'm changing our Facebook relationship status to "Complicated"
5. At least we see eye to eye on the "we both want more money" issue.
 4.It appears as though the NHL owners are all on crack
3. Are you Franzen kidding me?
2. Who taught this guy how to negotiate? Montreal Students?
1. I guess Bettman is as dumb as he looks. 

Tweet Ten Little known facts about the MLB Home Run Derby
10. The gold balls weren't actually gold.
9. The fans weren't booing Cano because because he's a Yankee...oh wait...yes they were.
8. One of Trumbo's bombs is still in orbit.
7. $615,500 was donated to a suspicious charity called "definitely not Bud Selig's bank account"
6. When asked about his 1 HR Matt Kemp said "I don't care I'm still really, really rich"
5. Everyone let Fielder win because they felt really bad about his haircut.
4. Chris Berman was covered in BBQ sauce the entire time.
3. The pitchers weren't really trying.
2. Jose Bautista lost on purpose because he is contracually obligated to deny Toronto fans to feel happy about anything.
1. All of the kids in the outfield actually belonged to Vladimir Guererro
Tweet Ten things Gary Bettman says to you after you get drafted.
10. Does this suit make me look fat?
9. Maple Leafs? Tough break man.
8. Thank you for not Lindrosing
7. How does it feel to know that you might be traded to Colmbus at any moment?
6. Whatever you do don't piss off Zdeno Chara.
5. Ever been to Kansas City? No? Well better get a map.
4. Can you kneel down when we take the picture?
3. Remember, 3 headshots MAX.
2. I own you
1. For the love of God take the cardboard out of the hat before you put it on!
Tweet Ten Reasons why Therrien was hired.

10. Youppi put in a good word.
9. He makes a delightful Sangria.
8. He promises to be the Anti-Therrien from a few years ago.
7. Bribe? What bribe?
6. They really enjoyed his "Don't play Gomez" strategy.
5.  He won "Canadiens Coaching Candidate's Got Talent"
4. The dart landed on his name.
3. Goes by Michel AND Mike win/gagner!
2. Has already got all of his losing out of the way.
1. Second time's a charm!

Tweet Ten best fan signs seen throughout the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

10. If the ref had another eye he'd be a cyclops
9. Hey Fleury, switch to Geico, you'll save more.
8. Dear Quebec, please take the Coyotes, they suck.
7. I had no idea the Panthers existed until 2 weeks ago.
6. My jock has more cups than your entire team.
5. Seguin, I've seen better hands on a digital clock
4. Radulov and Kostitsyn walk into a bar...
3. Africa sees more ice than Ovechkin.
2. Coupons save more than the Flyers Goalies.
1. This sign has more words than a Tortorella press conference
Tweet Ten things said between Tortorella and DeBoer during their
screaming match last night.

10. Nice suit, did your mother pick out your shoes too?
9.  Don't feel bad, a lot of people suck at coaching.
8. I just want to make things awkward for Pierre McGuire and Glen Healy.
7. You're such a bad coach you make Ron Wilson look like Mike Babcock
6. You Mother Father!
5. How many times do I have to flush to get rid of you?
4. I think that you are a very nice person!
3. Do you believe in God considering what he did to your face?
2. You're such a Gauthier.
1. KovalCHUK YOU!

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.

10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your won shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Brain Trust-Series Premiere

We open to Marc Bergevin’s new office on the 7th floor of the Bell Centre. The camera focuses on a simple desk, a series of chairs, a small lamp and a dartboard with Scott Gomez’s picture stapled to it.
Sitting around a table stationed at the far corner of the room are the members of new “Habs Brain Trust” consisting of Scott Mellanby, Rick Dudley, Larry Carriere, Patrice Brisebois, Martin Lapointe and of course, Marc Bergevin.
They appear to be engaged in intense and rapid conversation…let’s have a listen.

Marc Bergevin: And then he says “Don’t hire Larry Robinson”

All: *Laughter*

Marc Bergevin: He was serious.

Martin Lapointe: Wait…what?

Marc Bergevin: You know he signed in San Jose last week right? I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this story. Don’t you have phones? TVs?

Scott Mellanby: Yeah but I spend all of my time playing Draw Something and watching Storage Wars.

Marc Bergevin: You guys know you have jobs right?

Rick Dudley: Oh I know I have a job. Right now I’m planning to kidnap the Prime Minister’s daughter and hold her for ransom!

Marc Bergevin: That’s….not leg-

Rick Dudley: And then I’m going to make her fall in love with me!

Marc Bergevin: Does Harper even have a daugh-

Rick Dudley: And then, after she inevitably spurns my advances, I’m going to tie her up and leave her on railroad tracks! *he fingers his moustache* Nyehehehe!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly.

Marc Bergevin: Are you high?

Rick Dudley: As a kite!

Marc Bergevin: So you don’t actually think you’re an old timey villain?

Rick Dudley: Oh I most certainly do!

Scott Mellanby: I heard about this from Burke at the draft. Just ignore him until he comes back to earth.

Patrice Brisebois: Like Georges Laraque?

Scott Mellanby: Exactly.

Marc Bergevin: Alright, on to business then. As you may or may not have heard, I’m awesome.

Larry Carriere: Who said that?

Marc Bergevin: Doesn’t matter. The point is that we’re well on our way to recovering from the dark ages and I think that we’re making good headway into establishing ourselves as a legitimate organization within the NHL again.

Larry Carriere: I have to admit that things are a lot better since he who must not be named was fired.

Marc Bergevin: You’re right. And you know what that reminds me, why won’t you say Pier-

Larry Carriere: NO! Please don’t say his name. It’s not that a won’t say it…it’s more like I can’t say it.

Marc Bergevin: Why not?

Larry Carriere: I maybe kind of most definitely have developed a conditioned reflex to that name.

Marc Bergevin: Because he made your life a living hell for a year.

Larry Carriere: Yes. So I would really appreciate you not saying his name.

Marc Bergevin: Ok.

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Without warning, Carriere jumps across the table and punches Lapointe in the face.

Patrice Brisebois: Jesus!

Larry Carriere: I’m sorry, I warned him.

Marc Bergevin: You should probably see a shrink about that.

Larry Carriere: I’ve been to four. Two are pressing charges.

Marc Bergevin: Tabled?

Scott Mellanby: Tabled.

Patrice Brisebois: Tabled.

Rick Dudley: Tabled mmmyesssss!

Marc Bergevin: Anyways, As I was saying: Our image is improving but it’s still not up to where I want it to be. We’ve been trying to get our name out there in the media world but we haven’t been very successful.

Scott Mellanby: Family Feud was a disaster.

*The scene cuts to several members of the Canadiens on the hit TV gameshow Family Feud*

Steve Harvey: Well congratulations Brian, you did fantastic in the first round of Fast Money earning 170 points! It’s now up to you, Tomas, to get at least 30 points to win 50,000 for your charity!

Tomas Kaberle: I am ready Steve!

Steve Harvey: Alright, to go over the rules one more time, I will tell you a survey question and if you-

Tomas Kaberle: I watched this show all the time as a kid. I know the rules Steve.

Steve Harvey: Alright a pro! Here we go folks! 70 seconds on the clock! Name somewhere you drive to…

Tomas Kaberle:…..Pass.

Brian Gionta: Crap.

*Cut back to the office*

Patrice Brisebois: And we all know sending Desharnais to the Children’s hospital was a terrible idea.

*Cut to the Montreal Children’s Hospital*


*Cut back to the office*

Larry Carriere: And getting Emelin to work that kid’s birthday party was not smart.

*Cut to birthday party*

Alexei Emelin: Who want see dead body?!*

*Cut back to the office*

Marc Bergevin: So I think we can all agree that we should slow it down with the public appearances but I think we still need to tell the world that the old regime is over and that we’re back to the old Habs who love to win and be all in your face about it. Scott, what’s Twitter saying about us?

Scott Mellanby: Well, they want you to sign a top 6 forward.

Marc Bergevin: What? There were like none available!

Larry Carriere: What? There tons!

Marc Bergevin: No.

Scott Mellanby: Jagr, Whitney, Parenteau-

Marc Bergevin: They’re no-

Larry Carriere: Parise, Hudler-

Marc Bergevin: I don’t se-

Scott Mellanby: Semin and Doan are still available

Patrice Brisebois: Latendresse called us like 6 times!

Marc Bergevin: THANK YOU, TEAM!

Scott Mellanby: I’m just saying…

Marc Bergevin: I have a plan, alright?

Patrice Brisebois: Do tell.

Rick Dudley: Yeah, tell us!

The Brain Trust stares at Dudley blankly again.

Rick Dudley: Oh I came back during the flashbacks.

Marc Bergevin: Good lord…anyways, I can’t tell you what my plan is because it has to be super secret or else it’s going to get messed up. Can you guys trust me, do your jobs, and just let it play out?

Rick Dudley: That seems fair. In Toronto Burke’s plan was to keep trading crap to Jay Feaster until the team made the playoffs.

Scott Mellanby: That’s alright with me, I have no idea what my actual job is anways. I just show up and play Draw Something and-

Marc Bergevin: Watch Storage Wars, I got it.

Patrice Brisebois: And I will keep telling the youth of this team how to be successful in Montreal until you earn your big contract!

Marc Bergevin: And also after they’ve earned their big contract too.

Patrcie Brisebois: Um, yeah…after too!

Martin Lapointe: PIERRE GAUTHIER!

Larry Carriere: GAAAHHH!!!

*The Camera fades to black*

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pierre Gauthier and Marc Bergevin: A Comparison

                                                                          "I am smiling"

Pierre Gauthier and Marc Bergevin: A Comparison.

Fact: Marc Bergevin is the exact opposite of Pierre Gauthier.
Fact: 95% of Habs fans are happy about Bergevin being the new GM because he represents the return of class, smarts and all around niceness to the organization.
Fact: 5% of Habs fans are morons.
Marc Bergevin is the light at the end of the tunnel and Habs fans indeed feel like they’re in heaven after going through 2ish years of pure hell.
While Habs fans were quick to cut the cord connecting Gauthier to the Habs I want to go back for one more drag through mud…considering that’s what Gauthier did to the Canadiens during his time as Supreme Overlord of the team.  
Gauthier and Bergevin couldn’t be more different, here are some comparisons to prove just how different they actually are.

Marc Bergevin: Is very patient and friendly to the media. He graciously answered questions and made himself available for public appearances.
Pierre Gauthier: You paid for that cookie, right?

Marc Bergevin: Will be patient and tactical while exploring trade avenues with other General Managers throughout the league.
Pierre Gauthier: Swears that is was Gainey’s idea to trade Ryan McDonagh

Marc Bergevin: Has 20 years as an NHL player, time as an assistant coach, head of player development and Assistant General Manager on his impressive resume.
Pierre Gauthier: Has worked for the IRS, been a dentist specializing in root canals and was the General Manager of the Ottawa Senators.

Marc Bergevin: Is an overall nice guy.
Pierre Gauthier: Took the term “Nice guys finish last” way too seriously.

Marc Bergevin: Is a huge fan of the Bee Gees.
Pierre Gauthier: Gives everyone the heebeegeebees.

Marc Bergevin: Has a great sense of humour often being cited as a fantastic practical joker.
Pierre Gauthier: Idea of a joke is trading Mike Cammalleri for Rene Bourque. Get it?

Marc Bergevin: Is not a big drinker but does enjoy going for a few beers with his buddies every now
and then.
Pierre Gauthier: Drinks a glass full of Habs fans’ tears every night before bed.

Marc Bergevin: Knows this is a bit weird but loves drinking soft drinks through a straw.
Pierre Gauthier: Just sucks.

Marc Bergevin: Believes that the key to winning is by playing as a team.
Pierre Gauthier: Winning?

Marc Bergevin: Is all for the natural progression of the sport of Hockey.
Pierre Gauthier: Wants the red line added back in and thinks there’s too much shot blocking going on.

Marc Bergevin: Brings a breath of fresh air to the Canadiens organization.
Pierre Gauthier: Usually needs a breath of fresh air due to his head being up his own ass 90% of the time.

Marc Bergevin: Is keeping his distance from the student protestors, his business is Hockey.
Pierre Gauthier: Was overheard saying “Hey, aren’t those fees a bit too high?” to Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois.

Marc Bergevin: Is heavily invested in the future of the organization.
Pierre Gauthier: Is heavily invested in Facebook.

Marc Bergevin: Is spending time carefully searching for the perfect Head Coach.
Pierre Gauthier: Probably sits in first class while his wife and kids sit in coach.

Marc Bergevin: Doesn’t believe in quitting.
Pierre Gauthier: Doesn’t believe in quitting, he just does a terrible job and eventually gets fired.

Marc Bergevin: Wants to create a friendly repertoire with his players.
Pierre Gauthier: That will be $1,250, Mr. Cammalleri.

Marc Bergevin: Gives him a high five every time he runs into Youppi! in the hallway.
Pierre Gauthier: Yells “IT’S BACK” and runs away every time he runs into Youppi! in the hallway.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tweet Tens

I'm going to be getting back to updating the blog more regularly, until I can get something new up here are some recent Tweet Tens to satisfy your Habs Laughs appetite. You can listen to the Tweet Ten live on Tuesday nights on TSN 990 Radio.

Tweet Ten ways the Habs can make the playoffs
10. Fire the gangly, creepy, unprofessional dude who runs the front office, I'm not naming names so use your imagination.
9. Acquire an elite Italian/Jewish sniper who once scored 39 goals in one year.
8. Convince Bettman to expand the playoffs from 8 seeds to 13 seeds.
7. Play the Rangers at home 82 times
6. Go back in time and do whatever they can to prevent Bob Gainey from even thinking about acquiring Scott Gomez.
5. Shotgun a playoff spot!
4. Become the Boston Bruins
3. Sign Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer to long term contracts.
2. Win games
1. Ask me again in 2014.

Tweet Ten ways we can get the expos back
10. Free Henry Rodriguez Bobblehead to the first MLB franchise to relocate to Montreal
9. We spoke to every Montrealer and they all totally promised that they would all go to games this time around
8. City wide temper tantrum?
7. We'll stop bitching about 94
6. Youppi! will go on a hunger strike
5. Get Annakin Slayd to write another epic song about them.
4. We're open to sacrificing the Impact...
2. We'll drop the whole French thing if that's a dealbreaker
1. Ensure to the government and private investors that Carey Price and his 7,420 career saves will indeed be the team's closer.

Tweet Ten Excuses Tim Tomas gave for missing the White House ceremony.

10. I have never paid my taxes.
9. My Skinnard cover band had a gig that night.
8. I couldn't get someone at the border to cover my shift.
7. I waited at 1602 Pennsilvania avenue for like 5 hours!
6. I was on my way but my Hummer only gets 5 miles to the galon.
5. I didn't want to break my lunch date with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
 4. What, and miss Dr. Oz?
3. Zdeno Chara sneezed on me and I wound up in Kansas.
2. I thought we were meeting Osama!
1. Nah I'm just kidding, I knew it was Obama, I'm just a douche!

Tweet Ten Fake Habs Quotes from the 2011-2012 season

10. "If you spell Erik with a C one more time I'm going to play terribly, get traded for a 3rd liner and then score 30 goals for the Bruins next season"-Erik Cole
9. "Winning is overrated"-Jacques Martin
8. "I agree with everything the refs did tonight"-The Bell Centre Crowd
7. "Just warning you I have no idea how to skate backwards...or forwards"-Tomas Kaberle
6. "What's a Budaj?" Carey Price
5. "We're number one....five!!!" Pierre Gauthier
4. "X Men origins: Wolverine is losely based off my life" Max Pacioretty
3. "I only fight in practice because of our "not in the face" rule"- P.K. Subban
2. "I'm probably the smallest Double D you'll ever see"-David Desharnais
1. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I a figment of your imagination"-Andrei Markov

Tweet Ten reasons to keep watching the Canadiens
10. I hear they're going to retire Tomas Kaberle's number...and by "retire" I meant "throw in the garbage"
9. Rene Bourque might decide to try.
 8. PK Subban.
7. Wouldn't want to lose track of your "Chris Campoli Terrible play-O-Meter"
6. Scott Gomez might score. That's like the Halley's Comet of Hockey.
5. Steven Stamkos could hit 60 goal on Wednesday!
4. I hear Saturday is Gauthier PiƱata night!
3. Cannot pass up the chance to watch Guy Boucher and Kirk Muller coach random south-east teams. 2. Who knows what the Toronto crowd will chant next?!
1. Brad Staubitz and Ryan White are going to fight a bear!

Tweet Ten signs the draft lottery is fixed

10. Gary Bettman tells Scott Howson to go home.
9. There's a Yakupov Blue Jackets jersey sitting on Jeff Tambellini's seat.
8. The lottery rules have been changed from "worst team has the best chance" to "Most Eastern American team has the best chance"
7. The Islanders GM is introduced as Garth "No chance in hell" Snow.
6. Halfway through the proceedings Sidney Crosby shows up and stares at Bettman with puppy dog eyes for 15 minutes.
5. There's only one ball.
4. A scandalous text message from Bettman to Ken Holland is revealed: "Got ur back xoxo"
3. Bettman asks Larry Carriere if he remembers what happened at Survivor Series '97
2. Peter Chiarelli shows up to personally pick the winner.
1. Brian Burke won't stop smiling

Tweet Ten Signs your playoff series is too violent

10. You notice that your enforcers gauntlets are actual medieval gauntlets.
9. Your team calls up prospect Chuck Lidell who has apparently been on the team the whole time.
8. Don Cherry calls it the best Hockey he's ever seen.
7. Your coach asks you if you ever seen "300"
6. The arena is out of usable stanchions.
5. Michael Buffer is your PA Announcer.
4. Claude Julien's head is the same color as a tomato.
3. Instead of a Hockey stick your star winger is using a Samurai Sword.
2. Daniel Carcillo comments "This series is too vioilent"
1. No clue, I play for the Devils or Panthers.

Tweet Ten Suggested New NBA Team Names.

10. The New Orleans At Least We're Not The Saints
9. The Philadelphia Cream Cheasers
8. The Toronto Maple Leafs (Gives another chance for the Leafs to win something)
7. The New York Lins
6. The Golden State Guess Where We Play
5. The Los Angeles We Also Existers
3. The Cleveland Please Come Backs
2. The Dallas Catch An All New Shark Tank This Thursday On ABC 9 Easten 8 Centrals
1. The Charlotte Michael Jordans

Tweet Ten More Appropriate names for Metta World Peace
10. Ron Artest
9. Anything but Metta World Peace
8. Insane-o the clown
7. Purple Monkey Dishwasher
6. Lamar Odom
5. The Elbower
4. Metta Polar Fleece
3. Douchebag
2. Uno Cinqo
1. The Basketball player formerly known as Metta World Peace

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.
10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your own shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Habs 2011-2012 Season In Review

Well, this season has been pretty crap but at least that makes it pretty fun for me to make fun of them.

The 2011-2012 season will be a season to forget if not to remind us all about what should never ever happen again.

Here’s a 2011-2012 Player Review, here’s to a Gauthier-less 2012-2013.

Yeah, I’m not bitter or anything.


Carey Price
Positive: Will never have to deal with the playoff stress and pressure that Halak had to put up with while he was here.
Negative: Having to deal with Tim Tebow’s stupid prayers every Sunday.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will be the first NHL player to get penalized for “Roping”

Josh Gorges
Positive: Finally knows what a tenderized steak feels like.
Negative: Thinks he looks delicious whenever he looks in themirror.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will be the first defenseman to bruise the puck after blocking a shot.

P.K. Subban
Positive: Strength isn’t a question after watching him carry Tomas Kaberle and Chris Campoli all season.
Negative: Literally had to carry around Andrei Markov allseason.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will make a killing after he starts charging admission for his in practice fights.

Max Pacioretty
Positive: Makes Leafs fans cry a little inside when they see his jersey number
Negative: Only like, 15 years left of him.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: will spend all summer stunt-doubling for Hugh Jackman in the next X-Men movie

Brian Gionta
Positive: Will have a brand spanking new surgically repaired bicep next season.
Negative: Can’t close the lights in the dressing room due to the Gill trade
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Upon his request, the team will sign Yao Ming in the off season

Louis Leblanc
Positive: Eyebrows provided an extra layer of protection against high sticks
Negative: The French media probably hates him:
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: See: Guillaume Latendresse

David Desharnais
Positive: Proved that he can be an effective NHL playmaker and scorer.
Negative: On a last place team
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will finally hit his growth spurt!

Alexei Emelin
Positive: Established himself as a hard, painful and nasty checker.
Negative: Does not understand a single word I am writing.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will play Ivan Drago’s son in Rocky 7.

Tomas Kaberle
Positive: Uh…
Negative: Everything
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Will use a stick so small that even Brian Gionta will call it too short.

Scott Gomez
Positive: Probably the 2nd or 3rd best Alaskan in the NHL
Negative: Not his bank account.
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Traded to the new expansion team The Wichita Thisteamtotallyexistsers for a 1st round pick and the right to Sidney Crosby from the Penguins.

Chris Campoli
Positive: I’m positive that he will be unemployed next season.
Negative: Can’t be happy about having less points than Scott Gomez
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: Sucking

Pierre Gauthier
Positive: Nowhere to go but up
Negative: Go us to the ‘nowhere to go but up’ stage
2012-2013 Habs Laughs fearless Prediction: GM of the Leafs….please?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tweet Ten Tim Thomas Excuses

Long time no see, Hockey fans.

Timmy Thomas made headlines this week by snubbing Barack Obama at the White house for their visit with the big man.

Word is that he missed the party because of his political views...wrong!

I have the Tweet Ten Tim Thomas Excuses for snubbing POTUS.

10. I have never paid my taxes.

9. My Skinnard cover band had a gig that night.

8. I couldn't get someone at the border to cover my shift.

7. I waited at 1602 Pennsilvania avenue for like 5 hours!

6. I was on my way but my Hummer only gets 5 miles to the galon.

5. I didn't want to break my lunch date with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.

4. What, and miss Dr. Oz?

3. Zdeno Chara sneezed on me and I wound up in Kansas!

2. I thought we were meeting Osama!

1. Nah I'm just kidding, I knew it was Obama, I'm just a douche!