Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Tweet Tens

I'm going to be getting back to updating the blog more regularly, until I can get something new up here are some recent Tweet Tens to satisfy your Habs Laughs appetite. You can listen to the Tweet Ten live on Tuesday nights on TSN 990 Radio.

Tweet Ten ways the Habs can make the playoffs
10. Fire the gangly, creepy, unprofessional dude who runs the front office, I'm not naming names so use your imagination.
9. Acquire an elite Italian/Jewish sniper who once scored 39 goals in one year.
8. Convince Bettman to expand the playoffs from 8 seeds to 13 seeds.
7. Play the Rangers at home 82 times
6. Go back in time and do whatever they can to prevent Bob Gainey from even thinking about acquiring Scott Gomez.
5. Shotgun a playoff spot!
4. Become the Boston Bruins
3. Sign Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer to long term contracts.
2. Win games
1. Ask me again in 2014.

Tweet Ten ways we can get the expos back
10. Free Henry Rodriguez Bobblehead to the first MLB franchise to relocate to Montreal
9. We spoke to every Montrealer and they all totally promised that they would all go to games this time around
8. City wide temper tantrum?
7. We'll stop bitching about 94
6. Youppi! will go on a hunger strike
5. Get Annakin Slayd to write another epic song about them.
4. We're open to sacrificing the Impact...
3.....Riot?
2. We'll drop the whole French thing if that's a dealbreaker
1. Ensure to the government and private investors that Carey Price and his 7,420 career saves will indeed be the team's closer.

Tweet Ten Excuses Tim Tomas gave for missing the White House ceremony.

10. I have never paid my taxes.
9. My Skinnard cover band had a gig that night.
8. I couldn't get someone at the border to cover my shift.
7. I waited at 1602 Pennsilvania avenue for like 5 hours!
6. I was on my way but my Hummer only gets 5 miles to the galon.
5. I didn't want to break my lunch date with Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
 4. What, and miss Dr. Oz?
3. Zdeno Chara sneezed on me and I wound up in Kansas.
2. I thought we were meeting Osama!
1. Nah I'm just kidding, I knew it was Obama, I'm just a douche!

Tweet Ten Fake Habs Quotes from the 2011-2012 season

10. "If you spell Erik with a C one more time I'm going to play terribly, get traded for a 3rd liner and then score 30 goals for the Bruins next season"-Erik Cole
9. "Winning is overrated"-Jacques Martin
8. "I agree with everything the refs did tonight"-The Bell Centre Crowd
7. "Just warning you I have no idea how to skate backwards...or forwards"-Tomas Kaberle
6. "What's a Budaj?" Carey Price
5. "We're number one....five!!!" Pierre Gauthier
4. "X Men origins: Wolverine is losely based off my life" Max Pacioretty
3. "I only fight in practice because of our "not in the face" rule"- P.K. Subban
2. "I'm probably the smallest Double D you'll ever see"-David Desharnais
1. "I can neither confirm nor deny that I a figment of your imagination"-Andrei Markov

Tweet Ten reasons to keep watching the Canadiens
10. I hear they're going to retire Tomas Kaberle's number...and by "retire" I meant "throw in the garbage"
9. Rene Bourque might decide to try.
 8. PK Subban.
7. Wouldn't want to lose track of your "Chris Campoli Terrible play-O-Meter"
6. Scott Gomez might score. That's like the Halley's Comet of Hockey.
5. Steven Stamkos could hit 60 goal on Wednesday!
4. I hear Saturday is Gauthier PiƱata night!
3. Cannot pass up the chance to watch Guy Boucher and Kirk Muller coach random south-east teams. 2. Who knows what the Toronto crowd will chant next?!
1. Brad Staubitz and Ryan White are going to fight a bear!

Tweet Ten signs the draft lottery is fixed

10. Gary Bettman tells Scott Howson to go home.
9. There's a Yakupov Blue Jackets jersey sitting on Jeff Tambellini's seat.
8. The lottery rules have been changed from "worst team has the best chance" to "Most Eastern American team has the best chance"
7. The Islanders GM is introduced as Garth "No chance in hell" Snow.
6. Halfway through the proceedings Sidney Crosby shows up and stares at Bettman with puppy dog eyes for 15 minutes.
5. There's only one ball.
4. A scandalous text message from Bettman to Ken Holland is revealed: "Got ur back xoxo"
3. Bettman asks Larry Carriere if he remembers what happened at Survivor Series '97
2. Peter Chiarelli shows up to personally pick the winner.
1. Brian Burke won't stop smiling

Tweet Ten Signs your playoff series is too violent

10. You notice that your enforcers gauntlets are actual medieval gauntlets.
9. Your team calls up prospect Chuck Lidell who has apparently been on the team the whole time.
8. Don Cherry calls it the best Hockey he's ever seen.
7. Your coach asks you if you ever seen "300"
6. The arena is out of usable stanchions.
5. Michael Buffer is your PA Announcer.
4. Claude Julien's head is the same color as a tomato.
3. Instead of a Hockey stick your star winger is using a Samurai Sword.
2. Daniel Carcillo comments "This series is too vioilent"
1. No clue, I play for the Devils or Panthers.

Tweet Ten Suggested New NBA Team Names.

10. The New Orleans At Least We're Not The Saints
9. The Philadelphia Cream Cheasers
8. The Toronto Maple Leafs (Gives another chance for the Leafs to win something)
7. The New York Lins
6. The Golden State Guess Where We Play
5. The Los Angeles We Also Existers
4. The Orlando DisneysTRADEMARKCOPYRIGHTS
3. The Cleveland Please Come Backs
2. The Dallas Catch An All New Shark Tank This Thursday On ABC 9 Easten 8 Centrals
1. The Charlotte Michael Jordans

Tweet Ten More Appropriate names for Metta World Peace
10. Ron Artest
9. Anything but Metta World Peace
8. Insane-o the clown
7. Purple Monkey Dishwasher
6. Lamar Odom
5. The Elbower
4. Metta Polar Fleece
3. Douchebag
2. Uno Cinqo
1. The Basketball player formerly known as Metta World Peace

Tweet Ten Questions asked during the Habs coaching interviews.
10. Do you promise to always make Tomas Kaberle a healthy scratch?
9. What does the 'H' stand for?
8. How many twitter followers do you have?
7.What is your stance on frustratingly good defensemen with abbreviated first names?
6. Have you ever hit a fan with your own shoe?
5. Parlez vous francais?
4. How many times have you badmouthed us on L'Antichambre?
3. Are you afraid of orange bigfoots?
2. Why didn't you put gretzky in the shootout?
1. Why were you fired as the head coach of the montreal canadiens your first time around?

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