Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Habs Sing

Narrator: We’re sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming, we will return you to *insert sitcom/drama/comedy/Hockey Game/Leafs Game/witty political comedy show here* in just a moment but we just wanted to take the time to extend this INCREDIBLE OFFER to you!

Have you ever wondered to yourself ‘Man, I wish I had a CD with songs sung by my favorite Hockey team’? If your answer was yes then HAVE WE GOT THE OFFER FOR YOU! If your answer was no then I would seriously consider watching this infomercial and giving us your money anyways!

The Bell and Molson corporations have teamed up to create: ‘The Habs Sing’, a bona-fide cornucopia of songs sung by your favorite Montreal Canadiens!

In this 3 disc set you get a mélange of 62 songs sung by your heroes who wear the Bleu Blanc et Rouge!

Like altered lyrics? This CD set is full of them! Order now, before even hearing any of the songs to get your hands on this once in a lifetime collection!

Have you ordered? GREAT! Now here’s a sample of what you’ve just purchased while you wait the 6-8 months it takes for the set to arrive at your house due to the shoddy and unprofessional delivery service we hired to save money!

Like Disco? We don’t either…but who can resist boogie-ing down to this fiiine interpretation of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will Survive’ sung by third liner (at best) pest Maxime Lapierre!

Maxime Lapierre:

First Hi was hafraid, Hi was petrified,
Kept thinking Hi could never live without Gui by my side,
But then I spend so many nights with the new frenchy Mathieu Darche,
Hand hi grew strong, Hi convinced them Hi belong,
But Hi do not, I dive for fun,
Hand hi ham the biggest rat out of hanyone,
You should have traded me like Gui but Hi know I that Hi Ham good for on thiiiiing,
And that’s not fightiiiiing, not fightiiiiiiiiiiiing HEY HEY!

Narrator: Classic, what a voice on that kid.

Let me ask you something, what comes to mind when I say the words Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches? If you thought the same as me and two bunnies wrestling came to mind then I would seriously think about consulting a Psychiatrist. If you’ve read these pre-approved cue cards that are right in front of me then it should remind you of Elvis! You know who loves Elvis? Mike Cammalleri, here’s good ole Mike singing and interpretation of his favorite Elvis tune ‘Hound Dog’!

Mike Cammalleri:

You ain’t nothin but a roo-kieee,
Cryin’ all the time.
You ain’t nothin’ but a rooo-kieeee,
Cryin’ all the time.
Welllll you can’t take a slash and your name is hard to rhyme.

Narrator: Oh baby that was something! You know, one of my favorite styles of music is rap. No, seriously! Coincidentally, Hal Gill loves rap too! Check him out in his interpretation of Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’

Hal Gill:

You betta LOSE YOURSELF in the D-zone, the for-ward is comin and he’s way better than you!
You only got one shot! Do not miss your awkward lunge or else he will use you like a pylon YOU BETTA!

Narrator: I am down with that! I know what you’re thinking: ‘Where is the Country song on this album?’ Yes, I am a mind reader, don’t tell the government! Your wait for a Country song is over as Country fanatic Carey Price takes his hand at Johnny Cash’s classic ‘Ring Of Fire’

Carey Price:

My 5 hole was as big as a tire’s, many lost faith in me even Pierre Mcguire,
But it was Halaaaaak that got fired, that got fired.


Hoooo doggy!! Now, how much would you think we would charge for such a cd set? $500? Wow…that’s pretty close! We can offer you this incredible collection for the very high price of $250 plus shipping handling and purchase fee of $200. What a bargain! Call now and receive the bonus of receiving it sooner than you would have had you called later! What a deal!

What’s that you say? You want more?


Here is Andrei Kostitsyn singing a song about butts by those dudes from the 90s!

Andrei Kostitsyn:

I like bieg Butt, cannot lie.
Where is money?

Narrator: And here is P.K. Subban singing the Backstreet Boys!

P.K. Subban:

I don't care who you are,
Where you're from,
What you did,
As long as you love meeee

Narrator: The kid’s got moxie! Didn't change a single word!

Don’t touch that dial, because you don’t want to miss the next snippet from our incredible collection, Roman Hamrlik singing MC Hammer! Get it?

Roman Hamrlik:

Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do
Can’t touch this.
Doo do do do, do do, do do

It’s times like these when I wish I had a tradeable contract.

Narrator: I’m sure you’re not alone Roman!

Had enough? Too bad because we still have more time to kill in our commercial spot! Have fun listening to the incomparable duo of Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta sing another classic Duo’s hit; Sonny and Cher’s ‘I Got You Babe’

Brian Gionta: They say I’m short, but when you’re around, I play like a giant the fans they just can’t frown.
Scott Gomez: I’m from Alaska, I know that’s weird but when I’m with you I barely have any fearrrrs.
Together: Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..I got you Babe…..
Brian Gionta: We played in Jersey and we won a cup, but the following year you left me because you cleaned up.
Scott Gomez: Oh yea that’s true I am a wealthy man, but don’t be afraid I’m still your number one fan.
Together: Babe….I got you babe…I got you Babe….I got youuuuu Baaaaaaabe.

Narrator: Charming. Charming. We know the Holidays are right around the corner so we made sure to include some of your favorite Holiday classics! Here is Tomas Plekanec singing the famous Christmas song; Jingle Bells!

Tomas Plekanec:

I was a little girl,
But now I am a man,
I have a big new contract,
That was the master plan,
I can play Hockey,
Really really well,
Annnnd that is why,
Halak said farewell!
OHHHH Turtle-necks Turtle-necks are what I like to wear,
Oh what fun it is to play for a man with terrible haaaiiiirrr!
Turtle-necks Turtle-necks they look so good on me,
I hope that we win a Stanley cup or I want out; just like Gui!

Narrator: So touching…don’t think we forgot about youl Jewish viewers, here is real life Jew Jeff Halpern singing the classic Hanukkah song; Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel!

Jeff Halpern:

I guess that you can sayyyy, that I’m a journeyman,
But have you seen my face-offfffs? You’ll be my biggest fan!
Ohhh Face-offs Face-offs Face-offs I’m the best and I ain’t lyin.
And just because I’m Jewish I don’t know your cousin Chaim.

Narrator: And How!

Well friends, that’s all we have time for here in this paid advertisement. If you want to order this CD call the number on your screen or visit our website

Note: Not an actual website, it just looks cool!

Call now!





  1. I would pay to hear Lapierre sing that version of Hi will survive... epic! And the Andrei Kostitsyn song had me laughing out loud.

    Keep it up man, this stuff is great :)

  2. Super funny! Well done man!

  3. Andrei Kostitsyn is clearly the greatest rapper of all time.

  4. This is genius! I think I laughed the hardest at andrei lol.