Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Captain-Part One

“I've never been captain in 16 years in the NHL. But that didn't stop me being a leader in my own way."

-Guy Lafleur

Oh Guy...if that’s not a sugar coated way to say ‘I was never captain, but I still have a shit load of points so it doesn’t matter....but it actually does matter because Captains are the most respected people in the game and my ego really needs that title...but I’m going to pretend that I don’t care by saying that I was a leader in other ways’ then I don’t know what is.

Aside from the games that the team plays, the biggest story surrounding the Canadiens this year has been the lack of a team Captain. Some say we needed one on October 1st, others say we need to be patient.

Recently Jacques Martin made the decision to look for a Captain to lead the Montreal Canadiens into the post season (whether they’ll be playing on ice or on grass is not relevant).

Being the Captain in Montreal is a harder job than being Gary Bettman’s tailor (He’s that weird height in between adult and do you clothe that man?)

You have to deal with the media, the fans, the media, the media, Scott Gomez, and the media...hard!

How will he choose?

He could just name one.

He could put it to a player vote.

Orrrrrr he could have a ‘bachelor’ type competition. Yah let’s go with that.

Welcome to:


The scene opens to show the famous rink of the Bell Centre in Montreal.

On it is every single player to have played for the Montreal Canadiens in the 2009-2010 season(except for Guimauve and BGL) Jacques Martin, Kirk Muller and Perry Pearn.

The players are skating around the rink with the coaches in the center ice circle.

They are casually talking amongst themselves, we casually pan in to some of their conversations.

The team is in high spirits after playing back to back games against New Jersey and New York and winning both in fine fashion.

Mike Cammalleri:
What a weekend boys, huge wins eh?

Benoit Pouliot: I know I feel like we’re going to build off of this win.

Scott Gomez:
It felt so good to burn the old teams.

Mike Cammalleri: I wish I knew what that felt like...

Benoit Pouilot: You could always get traded and then play us.

Mike Cammalleri:
HAHAHAHAHA....wait really?

Benoit Pouilot: Well around here...seems like all you have to do is play poorly for two consecutive years, get scratched a few times while still making full salary, say some harsh yet vague comments to the media...and you’ll be out before you know it!

Mike Cammalleri: I don’t have a problem with all of that except that play poorly part...I don’t think I could do that if I tried.

Brian Gionta: Plus that seems like a lot of work just to try and get a win against your former team. Why not just wait until L.A. or Calgary roams around on the schedule again.

Mike Cammalleri: That would take too long. Benny, tell me more about this trade plan...


Sergei Kostitsyn: ...And zat is how eye lend up in Hemeelton.

Andrei Markov:
You could always haf just tried hard and worked to get back up to the team...

Sergei Kostitsyn: Da, but some funny man named Bertrand Raymond pay me moneys to throw heesee feet so he could write story in paper.


Tomas Plekanec: Hey Hal...How’s the air up there?

*skates away*

Hal Gill: Umm...cold?

Josh Gorges: Man you are slow...

Hal Gil:


Matt D’Agostini: I hope the coach is watching me, I really need to be back up here, I can’t stand Hamilton anymore I’m going to go crazy.

Max Pacioretty:
At least you get to come back after 2 weeks...I have no expiration date. Do you know how hard it is to pick up a girl when you smell like Diesel fuel? Even the strippers cost me double!

David Desharnais:
At least you guys have played up there for a while...I played one game.

Ryan White:
At least you got to play a whole game...


The whistle blows and the players converge at center ice.

Jacques Martin:
Alright good skate les boys, now there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.

Glen Metropolit: Pension plan?

Jacques Martin:
No it’s-

Travis Moen: The Habs rodeo is canceled?

Jacques Martin:’s abou-

Carey Price:
Oh thank god.

Jacques Martin:
If we’re finished!....Thank you.

I want to talk to you about the selection of our Captain. I feel as if we’ve put it off long enough and it’s time to make the selection.

Mike Cammalleri:

Brian Gionta: Shotgun!

Mike Cammalleri:
Nuh’re not in view of the captaincy.

Brian Gionta:
How can you view a Captaincy?

Scott Gomez:
Just look at me.

Carey Price: Pwned.

Jacques Martin:
Anyways! Over the next few weeks we’ll be getting to know you in different get a feel for who you are as a person. There will be eliminations, challenges, and at the end of it all we’ll select the winner...I mean Captain.

That’s all for today, we’ll start first thing tomorrow.

Jacques and the coaches skate off the ice leaving the players there to think about the task at hand.

Mike Cammalleri: wow...a chance to be captain...*stares off into distance....again*

Brian Gionta:
Hello? Mike? *waves hand in front of his face*

Tomas Plekanec:
Just leave him...he’ll snap out of it can slap him if you want it’s really fun.

MAB: Did someone say Slap shot?

Everyone: Oh Bergy!


  1. Good Job...You are very creative!

  2. Hilarious man

  3. Once again, hilarious. Do they have a Rose Ceremony at each elimination?