Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Captain-Part Two

The last time we saw our beloved Canadiens they found out that management would be conducting a rigorous search for the team’s next Captain. A few days have passed and the players have had time to think about their chances throughout the competition. While it’s obvious that some have more than others (EG: Brian Gionta 85% chance of becoming Captain and Ryan O’Byrne 0% chance) every single player that has played a game for the Habs this season returned to the rink to face whatever challenges await them. (If Hal Gill is reading this; Yes, skating backwards is mandatory)
We cut right to the rink with all of the players lined up at the red line facing them are Jacques Martin, Kirk Muller, and Perry Pearn. Most of the players look as nervous as Mike Komisarek at an All Star Game, but some look cool and collected.

Jacques Martin: Welcome back all of you. First off I want to say that we’re not going to talk about the game on Saturday afternoon...

Kirk Muller: Great point Jacques.

Jacques Martin: And that we’re going to out it behind us, find a leader, and go on from there.

Kirk Muller: I agree 100%.

Jacques Martin: No we all know why we’re here....

Kirk Muller: Again, great comment.

Jacques Martin: And that is to find the one who will be our next Captain.

Kirk Muller: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Jacques Martin: Kirk, please...I’m trying to run something here.

Kirk Muller: I know and let me just take this opportunity to say that you’re doing an amazing job...*Glory Days doo doo dooo doo doo doo doooo* Oh hold on my phone is ringing.

He puts his finger to his hear in which his trademark earpiece with that little wire hanging down is resting.

Kirk Muller:
Hello?..Oh Hi Honey.....I told you not to call me when I’m working....I’m very important....Assistant coach....Yes assistant....I don’t know....I don’t know I’m working on it.....Ummm I guess I’ll have a club sandwich and a black cherry...ok fine a diet black cherry....

Jacques Martin: Kirk!

Kirk Muller: look I’m in the middle of something...I’ll call you later...No I don’t want to say it...come on I’m working...ok fine I’m your little eleven...Love you too Mom.

Jacques Martin: I...I don’t even want to know what you do when you’re not here.

Anonymous: Did you just say Mom?!

Everyone turns to look at who just spoke, to their surprise it is Mike Cammalleri!

Jacques Martin: Mike!?!?

Mike Cammalleri: Yes?

Everyone is staring at him, mouths wide open in shock. Cammalleri is standing there...totally fine.

Mike Cammalleri: Caaaaan I help the next customer?

Jacques Martin: I’m sorry it’s just that the last time I saw were in a cast and using crutches.

Mike Cammalleri:....So?

Brian Gionta: I don’t think legs are supposed to bend the way your leg bent.

Hal Gill:
Yeah! uhh Dey usually bend like this! *Bends leg normally*

Ryan O’Byrne: Duhh everyone knows dat already Hal!!

Hal Gill: I know Ryyyyaaaann but I’m Just Making sure dey all know what da situation is...

Ryan O’Byrne: Oh yaaaa?

Hal Gill: Yaaaaaa

Ryan O’Byrne: Want to...fight about it?

Hal Gill: Mommmyyyyyy!

Paul Mara: For the last time...It’s pronounced both of you shut up.

Hall Gill and Ryan O’Byrne:
Yes Mommy.

Pal Mara: MARA!

Jacques Martin: Who does Bob draft? Goodness gracious...Mike! Are you telling me that that awkward fall, the one which resulted in you needing assistance to leave the ice, the one where we had to book an MRI for, the one in which all of us thought you were done for the year...has left little to no affect on your knee?

Mike Cammalleri:
Don’t look surprised. I’m Mike Cammalleri.

Scott Gomez:
It’s like your Superman or something.

Mike Cammalleri: hahahaha no no...Superman has weaknesses.

Jacques Martin: Well in any regard I’m happy that you’re ok and that you’re with us today. Moving on....

Before we finally get started, I just want to address something that---

Sergei Kostitsyn: You trade me?

Jacques Martin: No...but it has something to do with that.

Sergei Kostitsyn: Why not?

Jacques Martin: Look, all of you. I know many of you have heard about the moves the Leafs have made. That they have acquired and gotten rid of many key players...but Bob has told me to assure you that he has faith in your ability to win and will NOT be making any moves.

Matt D’Agostini, Max Pacioretty, Ryan White, Tom Pyatt, Yannick Weber, Ben Maxwell, Maxime Lapierre Jaroslav Halak: AWWWWWWWWWWW

Maxime Lapierre:
But I want so badlee to go to Minneee and be with my lover Gimmauve!

Hi ‘ave asked for the trade but Boob

Carey Price:

Maxime Lapierre: But ‘e just won’t move me.

Jacques Martin: Sorry Max but he won’t be making any more deals this season.

Brian Gionta: Did Bell discontinue his phone and internet service again?

Jacques Martin:...I wouldn’t know anything about that.

ANYWAYS back to business. We’re here to name the next captain. Now as you know I asked all of you to fill in these *holds up papers* questionnaires. It was just a way for us to get into your heads a little bit...and needless to say the results were...interesting.

*Cuts to last night, Martin, Muller, Pear, and Groulx are huddled around a table reading the questionnaires.*

Jacques Martin: AHAHAHAHA Oh man, some of these answers are just off the wall. Listen to what Gorges put down for strengths ‘result of best trade Gainey has ever made.’

Kirk Muller:
That’s nothing, for ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ Gomez put ‘playing for the Montreal Canadiens’.

Pierre Groulx: Get this: Weaknesses for Carey Price...’Glove Side’ No shit!

Perry Pearn: I think I have the winner here- Sergei Kostitsyn ‘What’s the best part about being a Montreal Canadien’ He wrote , literally. ‘It better dan steenkee Hemeelton”


Jacques Martin:
Hoo boy...well we’ve got some work to do boys...we need to narrow this down to about...6 or 7 guys for the second round..I mean...phase of our selection process.

*Cuts back to present day*

Jacques Martin: Now we’re going to be using these to help us make our decisions, but a lot of what we do today is going to be factored in as well. We’ve broken you up into groups, each group is going to go to a different coach who will be stationed around the rink and will rota throughout the day. You’ll find that each station will test the abilities you need to be the captain of the Montreal Canadiens.

Pearn will be at the ‘Media and Communications’ station.

Muller will be at the ‘Hockey Basics and Skills’ station.

And I will be at the ‘On and Off Ice leadership station’

Break into your groups please.

They break into their groups and skate to different spots on the ice.

Group One: Gionta, Pacioretty, Gomez, Gill, O’Byrne, Price, Moen, Mara, Metropilit, Gorges, Wyman.

Group Two: Plekanec, White, Pyatt, Halak, Spacek, D’Agostini, S. Kostitsyn, Darche, Maxwell, Carle, Markov.

Group Three: Pouliot, Lapierre, Desharnais, Hamrlik, Weber, Cammalleri, A. Kostitsyn, Spacek, Belle, Stewart.

*If I forgot anyone, he wasn’t invited.*

Jacques Martin: Ok head out to your stations.

We cut in to scenes from each session.

Group 1:

Station 1- Media and Communications

Perry Pearn:
Ok welcome to the Media and Communications station, it is here that we’ll get a gauge of how well you would handle the media and communications aspect of being the Captain of this team.

Scott Gomez: I already learned French, what more do I need to know?

Maxime Lapierre: Esti...You did not learn Francais.

Scott Gomez: I totally did. Re-guard: Bon Jure. Je Maple Scott Gomez. Been Venue. Seel voo plait. Mercy.

Maxime Lapierre:Ay yi yi yi....

Max Pacioretty:
I’m really good looking, does that count for anything? I’m good in front of the cameras.

Paul Mara:
I can grow my beard at will. That should count for something right?

Ryan O’Byrne:
Mommy has a thick thick beard!

Hal Gill: It’s so fuzzy....fuzzyyyy.

Paul Mara: Don’t make me send you two to time out—I mean stop calling me that!

Josh Gorges: I really think I have a good report with the media. They seem to like what I have to say.

Scott Gomez: Oooo goody goody Gorges, they have a word for you in French. It’s called Defenseueure.

Josh Gorges: That makes sense...

Scott Gomez:
Damn right it does. You got served got served a big hot plate of Alaskan King Crab.

Josh Gorges: Wow you really have no grasp of the language do you.

Scott Gomez: I’ll grasp you if you don’t stop!

Carey Price: That’s what she said.

Station 2-Hockey Basics and Skills.

Kirk Muller: Ok welcome to station 2, the Hockey basics and skills section. Let’s start off with some passing drills.
The players pair up and start passing back and forth.

Glen Metropolit
: I love passing, in fact I love it so much that I ask my General Managers to pass me from team to team.

Travis Moen: You ask to be traded and waived?

Paul Mara: Easy Travis...let him dream.

Hal Gill: I’ve never done this before...this could be so useful in a game!

J.T. Wyman: Why do I have to be stuck with Gomez? I thought I already got Hazed?

Scott Gomez: Too aim sa wee?

Station 3-On and Off Ice Leadership

Jacques Martin:
Welcome to Station 3, this is more of a role playing station to test your leadership skills.

Okay, Josh and Maxime I want you to pretend to fight and then...Travis will come in and try to break up diplomatically.

Maxime Lapierre: I don’t fight.

JT Wyman:
I’ll step in.

Jacques Martin: Who are you?

Group 2:

Station 1- Media and Communications

Perry Pearn:
I don’t care what Patrick Roy taught you’s not a good idea to say you’re never going to play a game for Montreal again.

Jaroslav Halak: But it worked out well for him!

Sergei Kostitsyn: Qvestion. If eye want trade. What best way? I try and try, but notheeng happen!

Plekanec: I don’t know...I called myself a little girl and that didn’t even work.

Sergei Kostitsyn: Why does fat Guillaume get trade? Why does chimmichanga get trade? Why no Sergei?

Matt D’Agostini: I don’t see why you want to get traded...Montreal rules.

Sergei Kostitsyn:
Shut up D’Agostini Martini Bikini...I no want slep chap.

Andrei Markov:
I hav question Perry. What do you do when you just want to play hockey and not be questioned by the media? I love sport but all the media is so distracting.

Jaroslav Spacek: Sign in Atlanta.

Station 2-

Hockey Basics and Skills:

MAB: And that’s how you take a slap shot.

Kirk Muller: Ok now can you show us to...take a wrist shot?

MAB: A what?

Station 3- On and Off Ice Leadership

Mathieu Darche:
Anyways I just want you to know...I’m sorry I took your spot on the roster, but if you give it your all and try really hard I’m sure you can make it back up here one day.

Matt D’Agostini:
You’re right...I forgive you.

*everyone claps*

Jacques Martin: That’s great...can we start the roleplay now?

Group 3-

Station 1- Media and Communications

Mike Cammalleri: You know...we just try to leave it all out on the’s a great atmosphere in the building and we really try to feed off the energy of the crowd....I think that helped us a lot going into the third. Ya we got a bad bounce on their first goal but we really came together as a team to overcome that and Gio got a big goal late in the second to tie it...and we just took off from there.....ok thanks.

Pearry Pearn:
THAT is how you conduct a post game interview.

Andrei Kostitsyn: TEACH ME WISE ONE!

Station 2- Hockey Basics and Skills.

Brian Gionta: Ok, now what you’re going to want to do is get really low to the ground when you come into the corner so that when the defender comes at you he should hit the boards instead of hitting you.

Benoit Pouliot:
But what do you do if you’re taller than 5’9.

Brian Gionta: I wouldn’t know Benoit...I wouldn’t know.

Andrei Kostitsyn:
What you talk of? Boards? I just shoot puck in net. I just got to net and try to put puck in net.

Greg Stewart:
Coach Muller? What do you do if you have no hockey skill?

Kirk Muller: Good question. I’m going to tell you the same thing Gainey told Patrice
Brisebois –Retire before you embarrass yourself...but we’ll offer you a contract anyways...for some reason. I don’t know why Bob told him that last part.

Greg Stewart:

Station 3-On and Off Ice Leadership

Jacques Martin:
Ok Mike let’s hear it.

Mike Cammalleri:
hear what?

Jacques Martin: Your speech about how you’re the perfect candidate, who knows all about leadership and all that stuff.

Mike Cammalleri:
I have no speech.

Brian Gionta: *Puts a hand to Cammalleri’s forehead* No fever.

Andrei Kostitsyn:

Mike Cammalleri: ...yeah? What’s the problem here...

Roman Hamrlik: Are you ok? You seem...different...almost as if you’re playing in a role that you shouldn’t be playing in because it’s outside of your age and skill limitations.

Jacques Martin: Guys I think he’s legitimate here...look we’re running late on time...let’s meet in the middle *blows whistle*.

Mike Cammalleri goes up to Benoit Pouliot who slips him a 100 dollar bill.

Mike Cammalleri: Told you I could hold out.


The coaches are standing in front of the team again.

Jacques Martin: Ok I’ve had a chance to evaluate you all, and now we’re going to skim the field a bit. What I have here are A’s, normally given out to the Alternate Captains. If you receive a rose, I mean make it to the next round of selection.

The players look nervous.

Jacques Martin: When I call your name, step forward and get an A. For those of you who don’t get hard feelings we just decided to go in a different direction.

Scott Gomez.

Brian Gionta.

Hal Gill.

Mike Cammalleri: WHAT!?

Jacques Martin:

Roman Hamrlik.

Carey Price...for the Luongo aspect.

Josh Gorges.

Maxime Lapierre.

Tomas Plekanec.

Travis Moen.



Mike Cammalleri: I’m actually going to bust a nut.

Jacques Martin: And Mike Cammalleri.

Mike Cammalleri:....Oh thank god....thank the lord...I almost puked.

Jacques Martin: Those of you who received As, you’ll be contacted soon with more information...thank you all for coming out today!


Carey Price: hehehe Boob.


  1. Kahkareja PoopsinellaFebruary 1, 2010 at 10:08 PM

    Nice!...It's gonna be interesting to see where you go from here!

  2. The chimichanga and the slap chop parts had me in tears. Well done.

  3. LMAO you rockkkk! Thats so funnyy xD