Monday, February 8, 2010

The Captain-Part Three

Jacques Martin: Hello and Bonjour everyone and welcome to the season finale urm I mean final day of our quest to find a captain for the Montreal Canadiens. As you know, we started with the entire team, and whittled down the field to ten finalists. I believe that any of these ten could be an effective Captain and each have the qualities necessary to lead this team. If you’re wondering what qualities Carey Price brings to the table…well then you would be in the same boat as me, I only brought him in because I lost a bet with Molson…long story.

Let me introduce you to each of our finalists.

*As Martin introduces each player we cut to a talking head of said player*

Scott Gomez: Why should I be captain? I’ll give you 8 Million reasons why.

Brian Gionta: I may be small, but what I lack in height I make up for in hard work, perseverance, effort, work ethic, goatees, a desire to work hard, trying, working hard, playing bigger than my size, being tough, being really good at trying hard and last but not least....trying to work hard being good at persevering.

Hal Gill: C is da third letter of the alphabet. *smiles*…

Roman Hamrlik: I don’t get Hammertime. What is Hammertime? Why do people tell me to stop Hammertime whenever I score a goal? If I get the captaincy I will ban Hammertime from vocabulary.

Andrei Markov: I no really want Captaincy, I just be quiet whole time ok?

Carey Price: If I get the…… captaincy I would probably have to make….. an entirely new….. mask design that…… incorporates…the theme….of being a captain….onto the mask. *gasps for air* I’m looking…forward….to designing it….it would give me….something to do….on the bench….

Josh Gorges: I’m not a big talker, but I did write something up for this occasion.

*picks up paper*

Ask not what your captain can do for you, ask what you can do for your captain.
Pretty slick eh?

Maxime Lapierre:
Hi tink it’s pretty obvious as to why Hi should be captain…

I’m French….in case you were wondering.

Tomas Plekanec: Turtlenecks for everyone!

Just kidding…or am I?

Yeah I’m kidding….

or am I?


No. No I’m not kidding.

Travis Moen: Yeah I’ve been in the public eye before…what…you mean you never saw my guest spot on Corner Gas? Come on! I won a Prairie Emmy for ‘most outstanding sport/musician/person from other tv show guest spot on a half hour show with a kind of hot girl as the female lead.' It’s a very exclusive category.

Mike Cammalleri: I just want to take this time to say that I would love to be…hey…hey where are you going? Don’t get up I’m not finished! I didn’t get to say anything. If you leave this room I’m going to flip out! Come on guys! I was only joking! I don’t even know how to flip! I didn’t even get to read my poem! It has rhyming couplets! Guys?....guys?

They let Darche read HIS poem when he got called up *pouts*

Jacques Martin: Over the past few days we’ve been putting them in different situations and evaluating them based on a certain level of criteria, I won’t bore you with the details because it would be like watching the Devils play the Wild...but we have made our decision and will inform the players…right now!

*The camera pans out to reveal the ten finalists standing in a line facing Martin, Muller and Pearn.*

Jacques Martin:
Finalists! Over the past few days we’ve had some fun! We went to Disney World to see how you can let loose and be one of the guys.

*Cuts to the finalists at Disney World*


*Mickey waves*

Hal Gill:


Disney Worker: I’m sorry but you have to be *this* tall to ride the ride.

Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez, Mike Cammalleri: Awwwwwww

Tomas Plekanec: Better luck next time guys.

Disney Worker:
You too.

Tomas Plekanec:


Carey Price:
Guys….does anyone else….see that….giant cricket?

Roman Hamrlik: …uh yeah…he’s from Pinocchio.

Carey Price: Phew! Wow…for a second there… I thought that…hooo boy…

Scott Gomez:
Hey Carey I was going to ask you…I thought they only served cheese pizza here…why was yours Mushroom?


Maxime Lapierre:
Hi don’t understand…you say you’re from France, but you don’t speak French.

Belle: Look I’m just an actress.

Maxime Lapierre: Je t’aime

Belle: What?

Maxime Lapierre:
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?


Travis Moen: I swear it was Johnny Depp!

Josh Gorges:
It’s a Johnny Depp robot man…

Travis Moen:
Well I’ll be…

*present day*

Jacques Martin:
And then there was the talent show.

*Cuts to talent show*

Jacques Martin: Ok Brian, what have you got for us!

Brian Gionta: Ok, I know this is might sound weird to you but I have power of invisibility.

Jacques Martin:
Um…ok…go ahead.

Brian Gionta:
Ok, I need everyone to close their eyes.

*everyone closes their eyes*

Brian Gionta: Ok now open them!

*Everyone opens their eyes…Brian Gionta is nowhere to be seen!*

Scott Gomez: Brian? Oh my god BRIAN!!!

Mike Cammalleri: Everyone look down, maybe he just got shorter!

Travis Moen: WITCH!

Roman Hamrlik:
I once saw a gipsy do the same thing…but when I opened my eyes my wallet was gone.

Jacques Martin: Guys, seriously…Hal can you move over please?

*Hal Gill takes a step to the side, behind him is a slouching Brian Gionta.*

Brian Gionta:

Jacques Martin:
Next up...Max?

Maxime Lapierre: I have de secrret for perfect ‘air.

Jacques Martin:
Wow that’s big...what is it?

Maxime Lapierre: All you ‘ave to do his never work hup a sweat!

Jacques Martin: ...I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Mike you’re up.

*Mike Cammalleri begins juggling on his knees*

Jacques Martin: We already know you’re good on your knees Mike...

Carey Price:
Like your MOOOOMMM! Right guys?!?!

Jacques Martin:
Another game on the bench for you Carey.

*cuts to present day*

Jacques Martin:
And as you know we’ve been keeping tabs on you during the games we’ve played.

*Cuts to game action, Martin talk to players on the bench*

Jacques Martin: OK Hal, let’s look at what you just did there. Instead of using the puck’s momentum to sweep it around the boards…you stopped the puck and waited for the defender to come to you…then you lost the puck.

Hal Gill: Yes…yes I did that. Should I have done something different?

Jacques Martin: Well yeah.

Hal Gill: Oh I thought you WANTED me to give up the puck.

Jacques Martin:
Sweet Jeebus


Brian Gionta:
Anything I could have done better there coach?

Jacques Martin: You could have been a foot taller...

Brian Gionta: What?

Jacques Martin:


Jacques Martin: Man I’m thirsty...I could use a water.

Kirk Muller:
I can grab it for you boss.

Jacques Martin: No I need you here, I’ll get someone who isn’t doing anything to get it for me....



Jacques Martin: That was perfect, keep it up.

Roman Hamrlik and Josh Gorges:
I know.

Hahahaha, Oh you!

*cuts to present day*

Jacques Martin: After all of that...we’ve finally made a decision. To be honest, there was a time when I wasn’t convinced that we should name a captain...but in the end one of you stepped up big and really showed us what you’re made of.

Mike Cammalleri: Before we continue...can I say something?

Jacues Martin:...Sure Mike.

Mike Cammalleri: Playing for the Habs is really really fun
You can be a fan if you’re 5 or 81!
We play in Montreal, and that’s is really cool
I’m glad that Komisarek is gone, that guy seems like a tool.

Jacques Martin: MIKE, NO POEMS!

Mike Cammalleri:

Jacques Martin: No ‘Buts’! I want to announce the captaincy before Grey’s Anatomy starts...I mean before it gets too late!

Mike Cammaller: Oh of course silly of me...also nice tie.

Jacques Martin:
Now as I said...the decision was difficult...all of you portray the necessary traits...but in the end it came down to one.

The new Captain of the Montreal Canadiens IS......

*Will Mike Cammalleri get to finish his poem?

Will Carey Price ever awake from his half slumber?

Will Maxime Lapierre ever fight?

Will Josh Gorges ever make a defensive zone mistake?

Will Brian Gionta and Scott Gomez finally cut the chord and get their own apartments?

Who will be the Canadiens Captain?

All of the questions will be answered....


Yes, No, Hell No, Never, I hope so, Mike Cammalleri.


  1. whoa! i was slightly tipsy when i read this, so i had to read verrrryyyyy carefully, but holy crap it was funny.

    well done. it really feels like we're peering into the imagination of whoever you are in real life.

  2. lmao why they tell me to stop hammertime
    Lol your stories are addicting you really should
    publish more often,like i mean plz lol!
    Keep it up!